Texts From Last Night

bgruning's Favorites Texts:

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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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  (512): Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids. http://tfl.nu/hflo
  Replies (20) Good night (4075) Bad night (1047) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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  (601): You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion. http://tfl.nu/8mpu
  Replies (10) Good night (2059) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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  (862): He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking http://tfl.nu/6gnv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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  (917): He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman. http://tfl.nu/emjq
  Replies (5) Good night (2662) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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  (+44): There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it. http://tfl.nu/t5pt
  Replies (7) Good night (3084) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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  (406): And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha http://tfl.nu/j31u
  Replies (7) Good night (2414) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
  Replies (74) Good night (17986) Bad night (808)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever

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  (605): So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever http://tfl.nu/ken4
  Replies (16) Good night (3525) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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  (708): he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet http://tfl.nu/enn5
  Replies (40) Good night (6288) Bad night (517) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.

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  (973): i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex. http://tfl.nu/uspy
  Replies (13) Good night (2795) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.

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  (678): That's the secret to virgins: blizzards. http://tfl.nu/jgfw
  Replies (10) Good night (1911) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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  (651): Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man. http://tfl.nu/8z1d
  Replies (12) Good night (2849) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.

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  (817): Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night. http://tfl.nu/bkam
  Replies (7) Good night (1982) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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  (978): Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fg6
  Replies (39) Good night (925) Bad night (6380) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
  Replies (14) Good night (5907) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.

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  (401): Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick. http://tfl.nu/vuwe
  Replies (17) Good night (1215) Bad night (4122) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

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  (773): I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you. http://tfl.nu/kzww
  Replies (25) Good night (928) Bad night (2839) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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  (541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed http://tfl.nu/93gi
  Replies (45) Good night (2174) Bad night (11068) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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  (508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg
  Replies (10) Good night (4147) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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  (646): So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking http://tfl.nu/bz34
  Replies (13) Good night (4415) Bad night (571) Order T-Shirt
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  (936): View more from Texas

  To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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  (936): To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex. http://tfl.nu/0t9p
  Replies (24) Good night (5010) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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  (647): Get out of your relationship and into my pants. http://tfl.nu/sn5l
  Replies (45) Good night (23050) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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  (443): She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/dqlg
  Replies (6) Good night (2625) Bad night (464)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
  Replies (17) Good night (5542) Bad night (1114)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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  (269): He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better. http://tfl.nu/o020
  Replies (21) Good night (5408) Bad night (1687) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
  Replies (43) Good night (15466) Bad night (1665) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear

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  (952): You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear http://tfl.nu/fvq9
  Replies (10) Good night (2069) Bad night (3593) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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  (724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard. http://tfl.nu/gkmc
  Replies (62) Good night (9524) Bad night (1405) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.

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  (443): When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain. http://tfl.nu/mvaw
  Replies (6) Good night (2120) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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  (330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7
  Replies (27) Good night (1842) Bad night (5577) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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  (815): you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes http://tfl.nu/koyr
  Replies (195) Good night (788) Bad night (8201) Order T-Shirt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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  (339): I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. http://tfl.nu/m237
  Replies (93) Good night (5190) Bad night (1964) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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  (307): this is worse than the time i threw up a condom. http://tfl.nu/98sx
  Replies (15) Good night (743) Bad night (4803) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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  (319): just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa... http://tfl.nu/k3oe
  Replies (29) Good night (5216) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Worst stoner tragedy.

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  (262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo. (715): Worst stoner tragedy. http://tfl.nu/7uyr
  Replies (41) Good night (1736) Bad night (6217)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?

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  (773): I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex. (773): Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"? http://tfl.nu/bxnr
  Replies (15) Good night (697) Bad night (2007)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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  (253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf
  Replies (4) Good night (6360) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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  (602): i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule. http://tfl.nu/edaa
  Replies (10) Good night (4032) Bad night (2360) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

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  (210): she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know? http://tfl.nu/j2zq
  Replies (49) Good night (6860) Bad night (680) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i already hear my dad disowning me

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  (814): i already hear my dad disowning me http://tfl.nu/x26e
  Replies (2) Good night (2142) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

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  (201): it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships http://tfl.nu/cs10
  Replies (28) Good night (718) Bad night (4116) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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  (818): I hate you but I'm not in hate with you http://tfl.nu/vrzb
  Replies (5) Good night (1458) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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  (412): he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/rnh5
  Replies (64) Good night (3629) Bad night (5144) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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  (913): Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry. http://tfl.nu/57v9
  Replies (3) Good night (2461) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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  (914): I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit". http://tfl.nu/lyvs
  Replies (19) Good night (6871) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"

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  (303): You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty" http://tfl.nu/y2bi
  Replies (21) Good night (978) Bad night (5824) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language

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  (905): Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language http://tfl.nu/v1ob
  Replies (17) Good night (4408) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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  (435): Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night http://tfl.nu/xeqd
  Replies (19) Good night (1753) Bad night (1032) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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  (902): I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush. http://tfl.nu/kzf1
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
  Replies (14) Good night (3219) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (16140) Bad night (1254)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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  (973): On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now? http://tfl.nu/9ud5
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
  Replies (21) Good night (7568) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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  (908): i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman http://tfl.nu/e120
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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  (303): How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head? http://tfl.nu/wek5
  Replies (5) Good night (1821) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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  (203): Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock? http://tfl.nu/k7ck
  Replies (27) Good night (5999) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

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  (617): were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground http://tfl.nu/2c7r
  Replies (40) Good night (10701) Bad night (1087) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.

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  (301): you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off. http://tfl.nu/9btz
  Replies (26) Good night (6150) Bad night (1819) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
  Replies (59) Good night (12173) Bad night (1559)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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  (203): dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me http://tfl.nu/k760
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (631): View more from New York

  Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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  (631): Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america http://tfl.nu/n1lq
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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  (607): I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson. http://tfl.nu/gvkr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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  (317): Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call" http://tfl.nu/v8oa
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

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  (604): just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe. http://tfl.nu/ejrn
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to

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  (941): Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to http://tfl.nu/6uk1
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized

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  (602): well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized http://tfl.nu/19cr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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  (440): yea ive hooked up with like half those guys (1-440): and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag http://tfl.nu/9hzs
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  Seriously?

  (305): View more from Florida

  100%

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  (305): I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox? (1-305): Seriously? (305): 100% http://tfl.nu/w2fu
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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  (507): Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up. http://tfl.nu/yb0n
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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  (717): If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate. http://tfl.nu/gd7q
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  (925): View more from California

  He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.

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  (925): He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept. http://tfl.nu/niyr
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
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  (530): View more from California

  Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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  (530): Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe. http://tfl.nu/c8em
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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  (514): Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene? http://tfl.nu/zsme
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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  (614): the wall and i were having dominance issues. http://tfl.nu/itlm
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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  (214): So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat. (1-214): Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/vioy
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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  (563): Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience. http://tfl.nu/j0u8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  it happened again.

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  (973): remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels? (973): it happened again. http://tfl.nu/jmjg
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  (518): View more from New York

  I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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  (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese. http://tfl.nu/65in
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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  (503): Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/cj8d
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

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  (210): I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low. http://tfl.nu/u768
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  (650): View more from California

  I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)

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  (650): I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-) http://tfl.nu/fk4n
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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  (541): for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college http://tfl.nu/6h6z
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.

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  (+44): Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint. http://tfl.nu/r0bi
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.

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  (817): I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that. http://tfl.nu/nbo5
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  (830): View more from Texas

  You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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  (830): You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy http://tfl.nu/g7o4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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  (248): you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion." http://tfl.nu/tkud
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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  (314): Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again http://tfl.nu/jwo1
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and the officer said have you been drinking

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and i said NOO SIR.

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and he said, I am a woman.

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  (864): and the officer said have you been drinking (864): and i said NOO SIR. (864): and he said, I am a woman. http://tfl.nu/8g3i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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  (248): I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone http://tfl.nu/ll67
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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  (+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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  (406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (760): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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  (760): I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant. http://tfl.nu/boqw
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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  (503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (972): View more from Texas

  By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

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  (972): By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor. http://tfl.nu/m469
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  (253): View more from Washington

  once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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  (253): once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced. http://tfl.nu/7kbq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things

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  (847): We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things http://tfl.nu/jwjz
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  (516): View more from New York

  i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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  (516): i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me. http://tfl.nu/fl66
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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  (757): you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse' http://tfl.nu/umk4
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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  (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. http://tfl.nu/vfbd
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?

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  (317): I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it? http://tfl.nu/wfmi
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I was always good at matching as a child.

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  (614): she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her. (614): I was always good at matching as a child. http://tfl.nu/vx3e
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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  (404): my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material. http://tfl.nu/r91w
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  (214): View more from Texas

  If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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  (214): If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes. http://tfl.nu/n8v9
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  No. You're kidding.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.

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  (919): OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto! (1-919): No. You're kidding. (919): I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth. http://tfl.nu/fp67
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.

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  (623): she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five. http://tfl.nu/kcej
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

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  (+44): Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman. http://tfl.nu/smcd
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands

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  (412): I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands http://tfl.nu/w6ka
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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  (804): there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule! (1-804): Wait are they playing beer pong to? http://tfl.nu/dq3n
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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  (520): just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon?? http://tfl.nu/c1fp
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....

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  (206): We just picked up about 540 lbs of women.... http://tfl.nu/g6wv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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  (519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Your friend and I already don't get along

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  (404): I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend. (734): Your friend and I already don't get along http://tfl.nu/d3pe
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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  (706): Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings? http://tfl.nu/0565
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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  (517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.

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  (610): dude, she masturbates with a ken doll. http://tfl.nu/7x56
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..

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  (902): i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this.. http://tfl.nu/inhx
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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  (303): I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep http://tfl.nu/pnlq
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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  (812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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  (231): So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was? http://tfl.nu/e02a
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  (210): View more from Texas

  By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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  (210): By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE http://tfl.nu/98pz
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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  (817): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side http://tfl.nu/uejy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

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  (603): You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet" http://tfl.nu/9891
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

  (1-478): View more from Georgia

  And thats what homeschooling is for

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  (478): I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!" (1-478): And thats what homeschooling is for http://tfl.nu/vl1o
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  (850): View more from Florida

  the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  that makes sense.

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  (850): the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you... (1-850): that makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5jmk
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  (212): View more from New York

  Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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  (212): Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help? http://tfl.nu/19hc
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.

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  (309): Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still. http://tfl.nu/aa8c
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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  (770): I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected. http://tfl.nu/i708
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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  (+27): I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal. http://tfl.nu/i549
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  ...i wondered where i left that...

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  (732): please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong... (1-732): ...i wondered where i left that... http://tfl.nu/q7mv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.

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  (917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant. http://tfl.nu/wa98
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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  (928): I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas! http://tfl.nu/f207
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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  (902): You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes http://tfl.nu/flaw
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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  (919): My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD. http://tfl.nu/zazo
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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  (303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd
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  (530): View more from California

  I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.

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  (530): I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother. http://tfl.nu/6hsn
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine

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  (314): Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine http://tfl.nu/lktn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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  (401): You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions. http://tfl.nu/pgpr
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?

  (1-705): View more from Ontario

  I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.

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  (705): How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk? (1-705): I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month. http://tfl.nu/0dv4
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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  (843): I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier. http://tfl.nu/n87w
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  (347): View more from New York

  Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono

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  (347): Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono http://tfl.nu/a0gb
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  (858): View more from California

  She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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  (858): She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol. http://tfl.nu/gw51
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.

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  (502): I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off. http://tfl.nu/n96o
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  (305): View more from Florida

  considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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  (305): considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it? http://tfl.nu/ijgp
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts

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  (847): his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts http://tfl.nu/kozn
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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  (308): whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on. http://tfl.nu/zd9d
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  (407): View more from Florida

  me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

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  (407): me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun. http://tfl.nu/sy2c
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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  (313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures. http://tfl.nu/7qyy
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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  (574): Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter. http://tfl.nu/0enu
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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  (519): I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus. http://tfl.nu/vafe
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.

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  (905): I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing. http://tfl.nu/u29p
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  (772): View more from Florida

  A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.

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  (772): A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm. http://tfl.nu/ew0u
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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  (610): Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it. http://tfl.nu/l5ke
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder

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  (252): Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder http://tfl.nu/zp9e
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  (646): View more from New York

  Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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  (646): Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too. http://tfl.nu/dkri
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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  (336): Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her. http://tfl.nu/icjy
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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  (614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.

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  (832): I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets. http://tfl.nu/n0nj
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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  (719): I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel... http://tfl.nu/j6ej
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  (786): View more from Florida

  It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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  (786): It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries... http://tfl.nu/iebn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (209): View more from California

  kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

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  (209): kindergarten is hard when you're hung over. http://tfl.nu/68v6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.

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  (314): Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins. http://tfl.nu/7xw4
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

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  (414): i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall... http://tfl.nu/m552
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
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  (510): View more from California

  I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

  (1-510): View more from California

  Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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  (510): I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard (1-510): Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening. http://tfl.nu/lvw9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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  (720): I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk http://tfl.nu/2ycv
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...

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  (225): Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM... http://tfl.nu/su1z
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  (969): View more from

  I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

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  (969): I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight. http://tfl.nu/btdd
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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  (479): If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/qsaq
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?

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  (661): I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class? http://tfl.nu/dw55
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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  (647): Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference. http://tfl.nu/9fcx
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