Texts From Last Night · amor

amor_vires's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.

Fav 9 1179 629
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

Fav 4 1178 521
share tweet

(415): View more from California

I have a present for you

(415): View more from California

Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked

Fav 6 1218 474
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

Fav 4 1386 621
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(330): View more from Ohio

I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse

Fav 1 740 574
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Why do you hate her?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....

Fav 1 1099 579
share tweet

(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

Fav 21 4452 970
share tweet

(818): View more from California

My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.

Fav 10 1568 680
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

Fav 12 1142 1277
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

Fav 27 2890 930
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.

Fav 3 1182 857
share tweet

(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

Fav 4 1848 688
share tweet

(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

Fav 10 2755 847
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

Fav 3 1381 683
share tweet

(850): View more from Florida

That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.

Fav 6 1671 600
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

Fav 4 1414 883
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

Fav 2 1652 782
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?

(515): View more from Iowa

Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...

Fav 4 979 610
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

Fav 7 2578 832
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

Fav 8 2574 929
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

Fav 17 2554 1139
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I'm puking in a turkey pan....

Fav 6 1406 748
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

Fav 2 3888 873
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I need to hump something and I know u understand.

Fav 3 1423 758
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

Fav 5 2888 859
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

Fav 25 3811 1002
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here

Fav 5 2104 604
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

Fav 5 939 1384
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

Fav 9 2083 741
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.

Fav 33 1027 6321
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

Fav 11 6994 1496
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

Fav 5 1681 967
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

Fav 7 1800 861
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

Fav 11 3264 1082
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take

Fav 11 2135 757
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

Fav 9 2024 968
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

Fav 14 5143 1072
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

Fav 20 1163 2693
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.

Fav 5 1442 639
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

Fav 10 2015 837
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

Fav 9 2089 848
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

Fav 8 1694 844
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?

Fav 3 1457 856
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

Fav 2 1741 825
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.

Fav 8 1413 776
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.

Fav 9 1106 745
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

Fav 12 2978 871
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

Fav 21 1728 1422
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.

Fav 2 1116 753
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

Fav 12 2791 946
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

Fav 3 2116 780
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

Fav 7 1822 672
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.

Fav 7 1664 982
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

Fav 14 2099 990
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

Fav 16 1585 1103
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

Fav 4 2211 1446
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.

Fav 2 1852 1151
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

Fav 4 1976 790
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

Fav 6 1851 782
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

Fav 7 2013 1297
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

Fav 6 2511 855
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'

Fav 4 1694 802
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.

Fav 10 1601 902
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.

Fav 14 794 2465
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

Fav 4 1533 666
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him

Fav 1 641 1286
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

Fav 3 1323 691
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

Fav 8 1955 1018
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...

Fav 16 1029 1907
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

Fav 8 2624 760
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

Fav 16 2995 897
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

Fav 16 2461 1067
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

Fav 6 1552 912
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

Fav 25 5945 1515
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

Fav 12 3241 935
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

Fav 41 14362 1969
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

Fav 21 1681 5081
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

Fav 56 16889 1910
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3021 835
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4813 1357
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable

(318): View more from Louisiana

You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.

Fav 13 3031 1132
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

Fav 3 1526 1111
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.

Fav 8 2138 889
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

Fav 9 2051 725
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

Fav 16 3859 1672
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.

Fav 0 1152 765
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

Fav 12 2799 1179
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

Fav 14 4780 1284
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Fav 22 3434 1197
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

Fav 26 7570 1149
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

Fav 13 7347 1280
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets

Fav 6 1567 706
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...

Fav 3 1135 660
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan

Fav 9 1674 1102
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.

Fav 4 1271 783
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian

Fav 5 1266 678
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way

Fav 19 2586 936
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4

Fav 36 1951 976
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

Fav 7 2519 1043
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself

Fav 5 1596 802
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

Fav 4 1801 794
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

Fav 4 2242 777
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

Fav 4 2178 1242
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

Fav 18 6573 1378
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

Fav 6 3289 1086
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

Fav 4 1658 734
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

Fav 17 4818 1126
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.

Fav 19 4559 1313
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one

Fav 23 1326 11733
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

Fav 14 6874 1220
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

Fav 33 1839 3345
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

Fav 38 7979 1698
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

Fav 4 1822 787
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

Fav 24 4665 1051
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

Fav 7 2664 826
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

they sound like some classy girls.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.

Fav 4 2302 894
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.

Fav 17 2861 735
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

Fav 11 4040 1015
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening

Fav 4 1600 757
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

Fav 14 1329 977
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed

Fav 3 1240 788
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

Fav 10 4392 1059
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.

Fav 4 720 1211
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...

Fav 3 591 927
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

Fav 18 2296 962
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.

Fav 5 845 933
share tweet
(949): View more from California

did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?

Fav 9 1179 746
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.

Fav 4 1370 647
share tweet
(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

Fav 12 3431 926
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

Fav 20 3934 1227
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.

Fav 11 2093 832
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.

Fav 10 1254 671
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

Fav 13 1630 839
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

Fav 9 3380 937
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

Fav 6 4805 1122
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

Fav 20 4381 1147
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

Fav 5 3061 1133
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

Fav 7 2678 1569
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..

(973): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..

Fav 4 1907 708
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

Fav 5 2930 949
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

Fav 5 1861 898
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

Fav 8 1832 721
share tweet
(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

Fav 13 3754 1247
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."

Fav 4 2830 852
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

Fav 4 2073 895
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

Fav 2 1135 1551
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

Fav 20 3126 1117
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

Fav 9 2828 1050
share tweet
(+97): View more from

Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

Fav 8 1901 746
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?

Fav 15 3246 878
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear

Fav 6 2336 1665
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.

Fav 6 2438 1023
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

Fav 24 4253 1296
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.

Fav 10 1211 1211
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

Fav 8 2878 962
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

Fav 12 7942 1355
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

Fav 7 5408 1367
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

Fav 18 8619 1348
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

Fav 17 6772 1624
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.

Fav 5 2049 718
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

Fav 7 2279 1037
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

Fav 72 11321 1843
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.

Fav 48 1764 3421
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

Fav 10 4040 917
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.

Fav 7 1940 759
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?

Fav 5 1386 653
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

Fav 26 5329 1042
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit

Fav 5 789 1221
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

Fav 6 3547 946
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy

Fav 5 1507 812
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

Fav 7 2722 887
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

Fav 7 1930 870
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

Fav 8 3313 922
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from

Fav 12 2817 967
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29387 1934
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

Fav 56 31645 2127
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

Fav 111 30493 1711
share tweet
(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

Fav 292 30517 14150
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30638 1936
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32303 1626
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

Fav 71 30267 1902
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31761 1915
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32822 1971
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

Fav 91 31986 1630
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35241 2052
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

Fav 166 32927 2482
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32853 3005
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33307 1774
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38250 5876
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39277 2237
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38161 2300
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40356 3922
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39921 2446
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40091 2212
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39782 2521
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39350 1768
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42071 2245
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42079 1692
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

Fav 145 41234 2021
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45574 2412
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46782 4628
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48815 2420
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48524 2761
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49302 2809
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51205 2737
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53076 3391
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61933 8168
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63482 2871
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63932 5486
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

Fav 236 67221 3281
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

Fav 184 96415 5742
share tweet