Texts From Last Night

AgnoParxi's Favorites Texts:

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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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  (905): Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass. http://tfl.nu/tco3
  Replies (9) Good night (4201) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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  (267): my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle http://tfl.nu/n0zg
  Replies (14) Good night (4719) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.

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  (732): Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related. http://tfl.nu/sl34
  Replies (5) Good night (2237) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.

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  (910): I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea. http://tfl.nu/24jk
  Replies (11) Good night (636) Bad night (1277)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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  (218): Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple. http://tfl.nu/aihu
  Replies (4) Good night (2130) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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  (616): This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room. http://tfl.nu/k8xh
  Replies (16) Good night (2810) Bad night (828) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
  Replies (20) Good night (5306) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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  (405): He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night. http://tfl.nu/m9rk
  Replies (4) Good night (2588) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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  (906): Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you http://tfl.nu/vgld
  Replies (3) Good night (3311) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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  (815): thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends. http://tfl.nu/i5k2
  Replies (4) Good night (2772) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.

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  (207): I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose. http://tfl.nu/mchv
  Replies (5) Good night (1331) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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  (774): I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you. http://tfl.nu/ievp
  Replies (8) Good night (1813) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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  (319): Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him http://tfl.nu/qb96
  Replies (16) Good night (2115) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15811) Bad night (825)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

  (1+44): View more from

  That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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  (+44): You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl... (1+44): That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh http://tfl.nu/agy9
  Replies (22) Good night (4181) Bad night (1001)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Youre getting too old for this

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  (615): Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame. (1-615): Youre getting too old for this http://tfl.nu/7foh
  Replies (5) Good night (1393) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo

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  (514): Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo http://tfl.nu/7ynr
  Replies (8) Good night (1648) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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  (717): I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman? http://tfl.nu/8vyd
  Replies (6) Good night (1816) Bad night (524)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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  (419): I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook http://tfl.nu/40z7
  Replies (25) Good night (2506) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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  (517): Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying. http://tfl.nu/uj2j
  Replies (3) Good night (1983) Bad night (668) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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  (413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu
  Replies (6) Good night (3240) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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  (605): Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing http://tfl.nu/3itv
  Replies (9) Good night (1961) Bad night (569)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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  (571): you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again http://tfl.nu/ac3x
  Replies (5) Good night (3016) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
  Replies (9) Good night (3863) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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  (316): Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip. http://tfl.nu/doru
  Replies (12) Good night (2460) Bad night (487)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
  Replies (8) Good night (3269) Bad night (667)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level

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  (780): they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level http://tfl.nu/15nb
  Replies (19) Good night (1493) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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  (706): Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories http://tfl.nu/hpss
  Replies (5) Good night (1857) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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  (202): I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now. http://tfl.nu/oo06
  Replies (5) Good night (2714) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics

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  (484): unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics http://tfl.nu/l12l
  Replies (23) Good night (801) Bad night (2351) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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  (616): All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good. http://tfl.nu/bkrn
  Replies (2) Good night (3321) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.

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  (207): We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks. http://tfl.nu/8fko
  Replies (3) Good night (1322) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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  (203): Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day http://tfl.nu/dgax
  Replies (23) Good night (1691) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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  (+61): You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out http://tfl.nu/lg4i
  Replies (7) Good night (1997) Bad night (624)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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  (239): im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me. http://tfl.nu/81g0
  Replies (12) Good night (1834) Bad night (848) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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  (412): I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof http://tfl.nu/k401
  Replies (7) Good night (2925) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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  (901): I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking. http://tfl.nu/t4jf
  Replies (11) Good night (4782) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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  (902): Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro http://tfl.nu/z3ei
  Replies (10) Good night (2870) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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  (708): There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit. http://tfl.nu/svzs
  Replies (5) Good night (2351) Bad night (520)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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  (978): This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke. (1-978): Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting. http://tfl.nu/cqts
  Replies (11) Good night (3429) Bad night (578)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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  (832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it. http://tfl.nu/3ywv
  Replies (25) Good night (5409) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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  (601): We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level. http://tfl.nu/1en2
  Replies (12) Good night (3376) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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  (412): just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass http://tfl.nu/r852
  Replies (3) Good night (3263) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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  (205): Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/g7ht
  Replies (6) Good night (3396) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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  (414): in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself. http://tfl.nu/j69f
  Replies (5) Good night (3785) Bad night (1477)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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  (612): Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie http://tfl.nu/901f
  Replies (3) Good night (2342) Bad night (671)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

  (206): View more from Washington

  and semen

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  (360): it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing (206): and semen http://tfl.nu/0fmk
  Replies (14) Good night (4197) Bad night (725)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
  Replies (17) Good night (7139) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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  (248): So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis." http://tfl.nu/nekp
  Replies (5) Good night (2572) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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  (850): that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick http://tfl.nu/ww0j
  Replies (11) Good night (3770) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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  (416): I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin http://tfl.nu/wbk6
  Replies (12) Good night (4426) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (353) Good night (7748) Bad night (48317)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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  (216): Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing http://tfl.nu/jpc8
  Replies (4) Good night (1803) Bad night (745) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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  (781): She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug. http://tfl.nu/2oj9
  Replies (11) Good night (2598) Bad night (1312) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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  (508): I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes http://tfl.nu/xrcl
  Replies (37) Good night (5564) Bad night (1281) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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  (613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo
  Replies (4) Good night (3112) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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  (903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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  (403): My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind. http://tfl.nu/y5d8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

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  (517): Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned. http://tfl.nu/fz01
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  (315): View more from New York

  i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

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  (315): i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there. http://tfl.nu/6jl7
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  (206): View more from Washington

  In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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  (206): In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone http://tfl.nu/jkow
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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  (410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?

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  (313): At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely? http://tfl.nu/gf43
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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  (406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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  (254): Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen." http://tfl.nu/2yxx
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  (408): View more from California

  This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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  (408): This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/u3v1
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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  (205): He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero. http://tfl.nu/osga
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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  (906): i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius? http://tfl.nu/ei5s
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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  (413): I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3. http://tfl.nu/k38v
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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  (480): Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles. http://tfl.nu/jmsm
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
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  (310): View more from California

  and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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  (310): and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity http://tfl.nu/4zrt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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  (303): I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer. http://tfl.nu/2j6i
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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  (303): I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number. http://tfl.nu/465z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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  (678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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  (248): New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people. http://tfl.nu/cghq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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  (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever." http://tfl.nu/4fcm
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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  (973): They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it. http://tfl.nu/8sm7
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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  (248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so horny!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm so hungry

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  For your pussy...

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  (508): I'm so horny! (781): I'm so hungry (508): WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY! (781): For your pussy... http://tfl.nu/7j50
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.

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  (719): I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer. http://tfl.nu/q96h
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where the hell would u of bought a deer

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  (717): found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it (1-717): where the hell would u of bought a deer http://tfl.nu/semf
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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  (856): 12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong. (856): Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits http://tfl.nu/ncaq
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  (661): View more from California

  The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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  (661): The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me. http://tfl.nu/fztu
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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  (859): You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower. http://tfl.nu/ss7c
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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  (541): You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize. http://tfl.nu/yage
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

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  (440): Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore http://tfl.nu/9n7j
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  (432): View more from Texas

  There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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  (432): There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses! http://tfl.nu/cuv6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.

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  (207): At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/nn7l
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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  (910): You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year. http://tfl.nu/jiz9
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!

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  (515): I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME! http://tfl.nu/9v3y
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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  (908): but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before. http://tfl.nu/ra7g
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

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  (517): She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name... http://tfl.nu/ngxr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

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  (603): I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife. http://tfl.nu/98pl
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.

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  (770): She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40. http://tfl.nu/qfdq
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