Texts From Last Night

Mamaof2's Favorites Texts:

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  (818): View more from California

  i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do

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  (818): i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do http://tfl.nu/n44h
  Replies (40) Good night (998) Bad night (4554) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

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  (330): you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now" http://tfl.nu/lsq6
  Replies (30) Good night (1929) Bad night (4629) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

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  (954): Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube. http://tfl.nu/0ubi
  Replies (38) Good night (571) Bad night (4603) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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  (206): at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception. http://tfl.nu/j51s
  Replies (34) Good night (1659) Bad night (4695) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Why?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward

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  (480): Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight (1-480): Why? (480): 'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward http://tfl.nu/ohlj
  Replies (8) Good night (1118) Bad night (4638)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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  (480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag http://tfl.nu/fc0e
  Replies (134) Good night (1335) Bad night (4817)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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  (423): If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom http://tfl.nu/66s8
  Replies (32) Good night (1557) Bad night (4681) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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  (913): I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick. http://tfl.nu/xsrx
  Replies (21) Good night (1737) Bad night (4787) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

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  (847): I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore. http://tfl.nu/qnk6
  Replies (32) Good night (942) Bad night (4713) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says

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  (229): whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says http://tfl.nu/6xum
  Replies (47) Good night (1006) Bad night (5273) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  again?

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  (612): I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job. (651): again? http://tfl.nu/ai0g
  Replies (11) Good night (900) Bad night (4743)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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  (713): You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin (954): Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language http://tfl.nu/75up
  Replies (34) Good night (924) Bad night (4893)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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  (617): Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero. http://tfl.nu/4xtx
  Replies (33) Good night (1608) Bad night (4897) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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  (651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS. (1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much. http://tfl.nu/xzl0
  Replies (40) Good night (3744) Bad night (4909) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.

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  (802): You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises. http://tfl.nu/vxkf
  Replies (33) Good night (2131) Bad night (4942) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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  (617): I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot. http://tfl.nu/tunm
  Replies (45) Good night (1374) Bad night (4905) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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  (520): she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said" http://tfl.nu/5y3k
  Replies (39) Good night (2568) Bad night (4934) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

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  (818): I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head http://tfl.nu/6xrq
  Replies (141) Good night (2122) Bad night (4852) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.

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  (413): You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant. http://tfl.nu/uoqp
  Replies (49) Good night (1316) Bad night (4924) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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  (402): Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown. http://tfl.nu/l3ul
  Replies (49) Good night (2194) Bad night (5229) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

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  (858): Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo. http://tfl.nu/gbo1
  Replies (44) Good night (2247) Bad night (5149) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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  (862): Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside http://tfl.nu/iwzn
  Replies (23) Good night (1167) Bad night (5335) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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  (410): As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie. (443): im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile http://tfl.nu/7kar
  Replies (31) Good night (2151) Bad night (5261)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  well apparently not.

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  (978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax
  Replies (50) Good night (1282) Bad night (5295) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

  (416): View more from Toronto

  From?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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  (647): It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM (416): From? (647): Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table... http://tfl.nu/hv77
  Replies (16) Good night (2311) Bad night (5303)
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  but it's kind of a high honor.

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  (308): I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly. (402): but it's kind of a high honor. http://tfl.nu/hn5k
  Replies (30) Good night (1228) Bad night (5820)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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  (337): but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp? http://tfl.nu/p1my
  Replies (28) Good night (1099) Bad night (5692) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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  (937): I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning http://tfl.nu/bu5f
  Replies (22) Good night (1082) Bad night (5704) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

  (1-228): View more from Mississippi

  brownberry?

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  (228): Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!! (1-228): brownberry? http://tfl.nu/y1s8
  Replies (19) Good night (1241) Bad night (5862) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  i got excepted to unl lol

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You mean "accepted".

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  (402): i got excepted to unl lol (402): You mean "accepted". http://tfl.nu/3nr7
  Replies (76) Good night (1593) Bad night (5996)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
  Replies (38) Good night (21347) Bad night (2020) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (35) Good night (15128) Bad night (1275) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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  (503): I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed http://tfl.nu/wtld
  Replies (55) Good night (954) Bad night (6253) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas

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  (917): I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas http://tfl.nu/eh4r
  Replies (58) Good night (1000) Bad night (6011) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  let's bang

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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  (216): let's bang (773): You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no. http://tfl.nu/cr4i
  Replies (68) Good night (1286) Bad night (6237)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?

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  (978): Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before? http://tfl.nu/qhly
  Replies (28) Good night (585) Bad night (6168) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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  (404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life. http://tfl.nu/huxl
  Replies (168) Good night (5749) Bad night (6583) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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  (405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu
  Replies (65) Good night (3304) Bad night (6417) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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  (678): His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum. http://tfl.nu/czce
  Replies (35) Good night (822) Bad night (6503) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war

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  (916): rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war http://tfl.nu/t68o
  Replies (32) Good night (892) Bad night (6496) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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  (941): CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES. http://tfl.nu/rhol
  Replies (32) Good night (1514) Bad night (6843) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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  (806): and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"... http://tfl.nu/oz9l
  Replies (77) Good night (1746) Bad night (6586) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.

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  (815): If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight. http://tfl.nu/9c3v
  Replies (40) Good night (3164) Bad night (6824) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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  (631): So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone http://tfl.nu/mgb2
  Replies (40) Good night (921) Bad night (6614) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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  (412): words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing. http://tfl.nu/a6am
  Replies (45) Good night (1254) Bad night (6734) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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  (604): The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches. http://tfl.nu/tdy2
  Replies (57) Good night (1272) Bad night (6562) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole

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  (817): i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole http://tfl.nu/vkxw
  Replies (21) Good night (743) Bad night (6848) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  1:57 a.m. Where did you go???

  (586): View more from Michigan

  1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?

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  (586): 1:57 a.m. Where did you go??? (586): 1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding? (586): 2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in? http://tfl.nu/vrje
  Replies (33) Good night (1259) Bad night (8574)
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  (516): View more from New York

  i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"

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  (516): i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth" http://tfl.nu/n9fj
  Replies (44) Good night (979) Bad night (6797) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.

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  (217): i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair. http://tfl.nu/v80o
  Replies (25) Good night (1176) Bad night (6962) Order T-Shirt
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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  (574): I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself. http://tfl.nu/2lez
  Replies (24) Good night (1016) Bad night (7070)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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  (978): i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened http://tfl.nu/l318
  Replies (23) Good night (936) Bad night (7095) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?

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  (703): You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl? http://tfl.nu/mavc
  Replies (75) Good night (3318) Bad night (7064) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.

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  (773): I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier. http://tfl.nu/mu3y
  Replies (36) Good night (1176) Bad night (7318) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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  (214): I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited (1-214): I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope http://tfl.nu/jd28
  Replies (93) Good night (1321) Bad night (7301)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.

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  (717): Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me. http://tfl.nu/6xgz
  Replies (39) Good night (768) Bad night (7440) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

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  (989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother. http://tfl.nu/be9n
  Replies (86) Good night (3873) Bad night (7474) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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  (602): So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better. http://tfl.nu/qcgw
  Replies (79) Good night (3848) Bad night (7555) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  can I come stay the night

  (217): View more from Illinois

  yeah, but no sex tonight

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'll stay home

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  (810): can I come stay the night (217): yeah, but no sex tonight (810): I'll stay home http://tfl.nu/tu8g
  Replies (34) Good night (2206) Bad night (7980)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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  (512): in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size" http://tfl.nu/ckqj
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  (207): View more from Maine

  there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets

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  (207): there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets http://tfl.nu/n8se
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  (360): View more from Washington

  afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.

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  (360): afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep. http://tfl.nu/xylt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  three words: i give head

  (770): View more from Georgia

  three words: not that well

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  (404): three words: i give head (770): three words: not that well http://tfl.nu/mukd
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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  (250): Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward. http://tfl.nu/w09f
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  (253): View more from Washington

  she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.

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  (253): she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time. http://tfl.nu/yrce
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (716): View more from New York

  she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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  (716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.

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  (443): told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why? (410): i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks. http://tfl.nu/uckj
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..

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  (201): its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin.. http://tfl.nu/g7eu
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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  (609): I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted http://tfl.nu/rfs0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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  (678): so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style. http://tfl.nu/eq3b
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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  (416): So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying. http://tfl.nu/y4gl
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  It's shedding

  (1-912): View more from Georgia

  I told you penises don't tan

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  (912): It's shedding (1-912): I told you penises don't tan http://tfl.nu/7fx9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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  (541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed http://tfl.nu/93gi
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before

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  (609): So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before http://tfl.nu/fve5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

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  (404): dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs http://tfl.nu/cgkd
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  (805): View more from California

  my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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  (805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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  (612): I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big? http://tfl.nu/wlg7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  so today I found out that she used to be a he....

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  are you gonna get a divorce?

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  (931): so today I found out that she used to be a he.... (1-931): are you gonna get a divorce? http://tfl.nu/5e03
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (631): View more from New York

  My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud

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  (631): My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud http://tfl.nu/p0vi
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

  (623): View more from Arizona

  What did she do!?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I didn't tell her...

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  (602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her... (623): What did she do!? (602): I didn't tell her... http://tfl.nu/i351
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

  (541): View more from Oregon

  I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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  (503): I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you (541): I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6ejs
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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  (215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk. (610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect. http://tfl.nu/dim5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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  (413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung http://tfl.nu/rtj3
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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  (248): she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing. http://tfl.nu/gzcy
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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  (201): As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere http://tfl.nu/2ys4
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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  (770): I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked http://tfl.nu/iw27
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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  (504): Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex. http://tfl.nu/adpf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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