Texts From Last Night

reelee2's Favorites Texts:

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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die

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  (703): No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die http://tfl.nu/xp9d
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.

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  (970): We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest. http://tfl.nu/w1i7
  Replies (16) Good night (2428) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.

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  (563): I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join. http://tfl.nu/n2je
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  (44): View more from United Kingdom

  I think he just caught a duck in mid flight

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  (44): I think he just caught a duck in mid flight http://tfl.nu/qjp2
  Replies (15) Good night (1382) Bad night (292) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

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  (705): I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka. http://tfl.nu/tvfv
  Replies (10) Good night (1063) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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  (860): Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love (1-860): I remember it like it was tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1n7o
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell

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  (905): Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell http://tfl.nu/79c2
  Replies (3) Good night (1218) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunday is the day of rest.

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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  (857): Sunday is the day of rest. (857): As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest. http://tfl.nu/lma5
  Replies (3) Good night (1876) Bad night (323)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?

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  (231): Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night? http://tfl.nu/zmtw
  Replies (2) Good night (899) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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  (904): Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars. http://tfl.nu/rfvc
  Replies (2) Good night (1445) Bad night (622) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.

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  (608): I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs. http://tfl.nu/xnbx
  Replies (9) Good night (1264) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit

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  (207): you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit http://tfl.nu/zspy
  Replies (3) Good night (1436) Bad night (266)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.

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  (970): I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life. http://tfl.nu/eqcg
  Replies (21) Good night (1282) Bad night (945)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
  Replies (11) Good night (3178) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.

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  (412): This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him. http://tfl.nu/rlpz
  Replies (6) Good night (1238) Bad night (436)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  God bless us, everyone.

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  (228): I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!" (601): God bless us, everyone. http://tfl.nu/p8dj
  Replies (2) Good night (985) Bad night (391)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.

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  (610): I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels. http://tfl.nu/rc9i
  Replies (9) Good night (768) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.

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  (816): Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks. http://tfl.nu/88uh
  Replies (20) Good night (1783) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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  (714): They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost. http://tfl.nu/dynq
  Replies (3) Good night (1665) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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  (419): don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties http://tfl.nu/ivn3
  Replies (2) Good night (1254) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.

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  (281): Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me. http://tfl.nu/lutc
  Replies (11) Good night (400) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

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  (301): Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours? http://tfl.nu/n62u
  Replies (4) Good night (1092) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (+88): View more from

  I swear the crows are laughing at me.

  (1+88): View more from

  You my friend are stoned into submission

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  (+88): I swear the crows are laughing at me. (1+88): You my friend are stoned into submission http://tfl.nu/466h
  Replies (8) Good night (918) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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  (303): The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING.... http://tfl.nu/av21
  Replies (7) Good night (1810) Bad night (335)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Last time i carry you out of a forest

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  (262): Last time i carry you out of a forest http://tfl.nu/h410
  Replies (8) Good night (817) Bad night (347) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

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  (515): So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night? (1-515): Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something .... http://tfl.nu/8iom
  Replies (10) Good night (2071) Bad night (404)
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  (631): View more from New York

  He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.

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  (631): He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes. http://tfl.nu/wcz4
  Replies (7) Good night (1293) Bad night (637) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.

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  (704): he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears. http://tfl.nu/5pre
  Replies (3) Good night (576) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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  (512): I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited. http://tfl.nu/hhhk
  Replies (7) Good night (2009) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

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  (585): He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going. http://tfl.nu/c63w
  Replies (7) Good night (1419) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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  (705): I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now." http://tfl.nu/lznt
  Replies (3) Good night (1672) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  DR UNK TOWN USA

  (770): View more from Georgia

  TEAM USA GO AMERICA

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  (770): DR UNK TOWN USA (770): TEAM USA GO AMERICA http://tfl.nu/6sjd
  Replies (3) Good night (868) Bad night (335)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.

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  (775): Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American. http://tfl.nu/e4rx
  Replies (13) Good night (3539) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  That dog was the best thing i ever touched

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  (636): That dog was the best thing i ever touched http://tfl.nu/rr6d
  Replies (8) Good night (745) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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  (206): I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE http://tfl.nu/qqx3
  Replies (12) Good night (2515) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.

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  (206): I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent. http://tfl.nu/cy1a
  Replies (6) Good night (770) Bad night (367) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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  (206): If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/sboa
  Replies (15) Good night (1507) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.

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  (215): I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa. http://tfl.nu/hvqf
  Replies (4) Good night (1188) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3466) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

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  (443): I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD! http://tfl.nu/k4l1
  Replies (14) Good night (965) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.

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  (443): He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us. http://tfl.nu/2gzn
  Replies (7) Good night (886) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.

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  (570): Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear. http://tfl.nu/m0op
  Replies (14) Good night (1831) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.

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  (941): My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth. http://tfl.nu/e5tu
  Replies (11) Good night (791) Bad night (591) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.

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  (919): I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline. http://tfl.nu/f3bf
  Replies (14) Good night (2584) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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  (402): Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night? http://tfl.nu/skph
  Replies (9) Good night (1877) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all 3? possibly?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I think I'm up to the challenge.

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  (410): Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone. (732): all 3? possibly? (410): I think I'm up to the challenge. http://tfl.nu/jtli
  Replies (4) Good night (1250) Bad night (670)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?

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  (920): Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night? http://tfl.nu/ykmq
  Replies (4) Good night (539) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!

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  (812): New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!! http://tfl.nu/n65x
  Replies (4) Good night (1040) Bad night (381) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

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  (708): you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group http://tfl.nu/bihz
  Replies (12) Good night (1261) Bad night (432)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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  (817): I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins. http://tfl.nu/povt
  Replies (8) Good night (2295) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.

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  (609): I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth. http://tfl.nu/cul4
  Replies (4) Good night (1013) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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  (605): I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us.. http://tfl.nu/2996
  Replies (20) Good night (3284) Bad night (555)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night

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  (505): She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night http://tfl.nu/ai6j
  Replies (12) Good night (411) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?

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  (347): I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night? http://tfl.nu/sddm
  Replies (17) Good night (498) Bad night (1495) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
  Replies (29) Good night (33561) Bad night (1067) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
  Replies (101) Good night (33901) Bad night (3565) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (35509) Bad night (961)
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
  Replies (41) Good night (37109) Bad night (1388)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
  Replies (118) Good night (37792) Bad night (1295)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38286) Bad night (1722)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

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  (310): I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover. http://tfl.nu/1zuj
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  (941): View more from Florida

  All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.

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  (941): All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave. http://tfl.nu/74ql
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Almost there.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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  (402): Almost there. (1-402): define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway. http://tfl.nu/xjed
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

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  (901): I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off. http://tfl.nu/oaek
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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  (519): My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now http://tfl.nu/86ra
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  (760): View more from California

  I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.

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  (760): I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired. http://tfl.nu/xk23
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja

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  (973): She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja http://tfl.nu/0g6m
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You pretty much isn't said it

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Those words don't go together.

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  (954): You pretty much isn't said it (404): Those words don't go together. http://tfl.nu/8gl1
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.

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  (570): Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter. http://tfl.nu/84op
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck

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  (412): I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck http://tfl.nu/1t6b
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  (+97): View more from

  Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.

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  (+97): Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer. http://tfl.nu/wfti
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.

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  (410): I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid. http://tfl.nu/ggrs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.

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  (303): I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high. http://tfl.nu/hr24
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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  (317): You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/qv2s
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  (867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

  We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.

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  (867): We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/l33f
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

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  (908): She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass. http://tfl.nu/vr1h
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".

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  (301): He said it. He actually said "yes it's in". http://tfl.nu/w699
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

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  (702): I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right? http://tfl.nu/36o3
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.

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  (514): so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view. http://tfl.nu/r0p2
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.

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  (586): We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard. http://tfl.nu/e4oz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?

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  (973): Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire? http://tfl.nu/uthj
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.

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  (906): I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day. http://tfl.nu/pyr7
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating

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  (262): At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun (262): Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating http://tfl.nu/mni7
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  (369): View more from California

  Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?

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  (369): Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night? http://tfl.nu/oh80
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  (806): View more from Texas

  It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.

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  (806): It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there. http://tfl.nu/4q4i
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.

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  (614): Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love. http://tfl.nu/irrq
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA

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  (413): They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA http://tfl.nu/xggi
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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  (204): I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL. http://tfl.nu/e718
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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  (919): Coming to you live from the floor of my office.. http://tfl.nu/0ate
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  (707): View more from California

  I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.

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  (707): I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night. http://tfl.nu/by2p
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.

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  (724): Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge. http://tfl.nu/wjo8
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  (661): View more from California

  Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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  (661): Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears. http://tfl.nu/33uz
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me

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  (708): I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me http://tfl.nu/82r8
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.

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  (936): I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining. http://tfl.nu/kdvr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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  (512): Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants. http://tfl.nu/4z6l
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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  (304): Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE. http://tfl.nu/c4re
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.

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  (937): I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast. http://tfl.nu/9len
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking

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  (850): Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking http://tfl.nu/6x7l
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  In some strange universe, yes

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  (662): So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores? (1-662): In some strange universe, yes http://tfl.nu/4gql
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech

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  (603): Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech http://tfl.nu/2ee5
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  (516): View more from New York

  We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL

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  (516): We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL http://tfl.nu/hj1k
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  (305): View more from Florida

  The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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  (305): The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies. http://tfl.nu/h31z
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds

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  (252): I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds http://tfl.nu/g7b7
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.

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  (919): Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out. http://tfl.nu/vb1r
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis

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  (360): Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis http://tfl.nu/354f
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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  (906): Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good. http://tfl.nu/y37n
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.

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  (778): She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/9heo
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.

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  (207): Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk. http://tfl.nu/4vbt
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I have grass duct taped all over my body

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  (819): I have grass duct taped all over my body http://tfl.nu/3nqm
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  (207): View more from Maine

  The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.

  (207): View more from Maine

  welcome to maine.

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  (207): The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade. (207): welcome to maine. http://tfl.nu/bd8m
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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  (401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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  (207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o
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  (207): View more from Maine

  i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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  (207): i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like http://tfl.nu/ol8k
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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  (719): I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer. http://tfl.nu/9z00
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore

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  (702): I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore http://tfl.nu/7m2v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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  (412): I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok http://tfl.nu/vgre
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.

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  (770): When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first. http://tfl.nu/jx84
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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  (508): Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay (1-508): Hey there's a sandwich in there too! http://tfl.nu/8qf0
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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  (720): So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword. http://tfl.nu/ujgp
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

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  (423): I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him. http://tfl.nu/x8vu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have

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  (207): Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have http://tfl.nu/07nn
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  (954): View more from Florida

  The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that

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  (954): The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that http://tfl.nu/l3dv
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  (408): View more from California

  Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?

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  (408): Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection? http://tfl.nu/3s68
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  (281): View more from Texas

  If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.

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  (281): If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/0of8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it

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  (614): I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it http://tfl.nu/e9vj
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  (585): View more from New York

  By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.

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  (585): By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some. http://tfl.nu/uaz4
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.

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  (414): Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter. http://tfl.nu/rhw8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

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  (802): when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us" http://tfl.nu/ho4p
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him

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  (813): I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him http://tfl.nu/hd5x
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  (607): View more from New York

  You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.

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  (607): You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house. http://tfl.nu/rggh
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot

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  (228): I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot http://tfl.nu/chtf
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....

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  (775): I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets.... http://tfl.nu/2q79
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

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  (302): Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak? http://tfl.nu/m53g
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  (831): View more from California

  I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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  (831): I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick. http://tfl.nu/d0cr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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  (203): Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny http://tfl.nu/4qb9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.

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  (217): Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again. http://tfl.nu/k53k
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  It's called being normal.

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  (660): I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals. (417): It's called being normal. http://tfl.nu/c2qe
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.

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  (219): We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual. http://tfl.nu/rrmi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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  (513): She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste' http://tfl.nu/jrl8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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  (732): FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY http://tfl.nu/r4u9
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