Texts From Last Night

lepriKon33's Favorites Texts:

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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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  (+44): I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten. http://tfl.nu/hxkk
  Replies (1) Good night (1088) Bad night (281)
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  (873): View more from

  I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in

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  (873): I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in http://tfl.nu/bvll
  Replies (3) Good night (1810) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

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  (801): When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw. http://tfl.nu/4mnb
  Replies (9) Good night (957) Bad night (255) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...

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  (202): I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him... http://tfl.nu/dz07
  Replies (7) Good night (773) Bad night (300)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK

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  (401): I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK http://tfl.nu/01hq
  Replies (2) Good night (862) Bad night (270) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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  (804): I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager. http://tfl.nu/fc01
  Replies (2) Good night (899) Bad night (269)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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  (318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5
  Replies (4) Good night (1165) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge

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  (404): I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge http://tfl.nu/wfh9
  Replies (1) Good night (622) Bad night (204)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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  (250): I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much. (1-250): What the fuck, why would you ever do that? (250): Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball? http://tfl.nu/mk5m
  Replies (4) Good night (1817) Bad night (244)
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  (619): View more from California

  how did you know i stayed over last night?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom

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  (619): how did you know i stayed over last night? (702): there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom http://tfl.nu/hfaf
  Replies (1) Good night (1070) Bad night (192)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.

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  (403): The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume. http://tfl.nu/nbz2
  Replies (5) Good night (2055) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...

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  (512): I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to... http://tfl.nu/6eke
  Replies (13) Good night (454) Bad night (1690)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Yep

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  (204): I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh? (1-204): Yep http://tfl.nu/wj63
  Replies (0) Good night (838) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.

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  (630): i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other. http://tfl.nu/01p2
  Replies (4) Good night (1258) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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  (515): nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying http://tfl.nu/wg7d
  Replies (3) Good night (1465) Bad night (442)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

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  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
  Replies (6) Good night (2592) Bad night (569)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

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  (810): He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me. http://tfl.nu/paz8
  Replies (24) Good night (2896) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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  (303): We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates. http://tfl.nu/w536
  Replies (8) Good night (2633) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.

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  (204): You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times. http://tfl.nu/dj81
  Replies (3) Good night (2010) Bad night (471)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8715) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
  Replies (10) Good night (3637) Bad night (609)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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  (610): Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole. http://tfl.nu/uyw0
  Replies (11) Good night (3581) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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  (703): I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is http://tfl.nu/znts
  Replies (1) Good night (1216) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (682): View more from Texas

  Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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  (682): Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this" http://tfl.nu/tpaw
  Replies (1) Good night (1231) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...

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  (850): I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away... http://tfl.nu/luji
  Replies (3) Good night (1179) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire

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  (+61): one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire http://tfl.nu/ff4y
  Replies (5) Good night (1441) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.

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  (740): omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause. http://tfl.nu/xm5u
  Replies (4) Good night (1281) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?

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  (208): wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night? http://tfl.nu/7e2i
  Replies (2) Good night (913) Bad night (352) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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  (515): We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all. http://tfl.nu/if2m
  Replies (9) Good night (2076) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

  (1-951): View more from California

  This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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  (951): You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you. (1-951): This is the first time I'm hearing this information. http://tfl.nu/wdlz
  Replies (20) Good night (3494) Bad night (434)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us

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  (954): stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us http://tfl.nu/1h6z
  Replies (3) Good night (1843) Bad night (406) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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  (206): I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE http://tfl.nu/qqx3
  Replies (12) Good night (2515) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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  (701): She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere. http://tfl.nu/am2w
  Replies (3) Good night (2064) Bad night (277)
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  (351): View more from Massachusetts

  I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.

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  (351): I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh. http://tfl.nu/v1ee
  Replies (1) Good night (835) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

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  (303): The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING.... http://tfl.nu/av21
  Replies (7) Good night (1810) Bad night (334)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....

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  (515): So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night? (1-515): Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something .... http://tfl.nu/8iom
  Replies (10) Good night (2068) Bad night (402)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.

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  (248): We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh. http://tfl.nu/c1tt
  Replies (7) Good night (1330) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco

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  (850): My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco http://tfl.nu/szsc
  Replies (5) Good night (1308) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you know how to give stiches?

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  I do not...this text concerns me

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  (612): Do you know how to give stiches? (1-612): I do not...this text concerns me http://tfl.nu/8jm1
  Replies (5) Good night (1526) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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  (740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to. http://tfl.nu/nnoc
  Replies (20) Good night (3437) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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  (630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win. http://tfl.nu/fnn3
  Replies (8) Good night (1684) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  whiskey

  (914): View more from New York

  stop

  (518): View more from New York

  tequila

  (914): View more from New York

  you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up

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  (518): whiskey (914): stop (518): tequila (914): you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up http://tfl.nu/4nb1
  Replies (3) Good night (1600) Bad night (354)
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  (818): View more from California

  No...this little piggys going to the bar

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  (818): No...this little piggys going to the bar http://tfl.nu/e3y1
  Replies (5) Good night (1489) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy

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  (989): I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy http://tfl.nu/as9c
  Replies (5) Good night (2254) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up

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  (270): Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up http://tfl.nu/1xaw
  Replies (3) Good night (851) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....

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  (303): As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak..... http://tfl.nu/pe8z
  Replies (1) Good night (856) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help

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  (780): Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help http://tfl.nu/jtky
  Replies (4) Good night (433) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You went to jail last night?!

  (1-910): View more from North Carolina

  Just a little bit.

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  (910): You went to jail last night?! (1-910): Just a little bit. http://tfl.nu/exzq
  Replies (24) Good night (3705) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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  (847): I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest... http://tfl.nu/j6s5
  Replies (6) Good night (2392) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

  (805): View more from California

  Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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  (818): You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy. (805): Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people. http://tfl.nu/c90f
  Replies (2) Good night (2137) Bad night (486)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

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  (+44): Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go. http://tfl.nu/hus5
  Replies (10) Good night (2154) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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  (812): I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me. http://tfl.nu/jath
  Replies (6) Good night (3002) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?

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  (209): Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2? http://tfl.nu/78yk
  Replies (3) Good night (997) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?

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  (810): Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july? http://tfl.nu/yisd
  Replies (6) Good night (1138) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend

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  (910): I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend http://tfl.nu/p2pa
  Replies (13) Good night (958) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.

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  (310): I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover. http://tfl.nu/1zuj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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  (519): My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now http://tfl.nu/86ra
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.

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  (813): I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now. http://tfl.nu/w7s6
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  (916): View more from California

  1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

  (707): View more from California

  *roof

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  (916): 1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor. (707): *roof http://tfl.nu/ph25
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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  (218): i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point http://tfl.nu/qeeg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...

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  (763): Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana... http://tfl.nu/pyu2
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.

  (574): View more from Indiana

  No I didn't. Whiskey did.

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  (765): You wore a man's plastic top hat last night. (574): No I didn't. Whiskey did. http://tfl.nu/63th
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  (949): View more from California

  July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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  (949): July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31 http://tfl.nu/jg6w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal

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  (617): she's five days sober.....are those consecutive???? (781): 5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal http://tfl.nu/ppjn
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.

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  (608): The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee. http://tfl.nu/13nr
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  (619): View more from California

  im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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  (619): im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull. http://tfl.nu/oak8
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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  (414): I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud? (262): Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing http://tfl.nu/ndin
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!

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  (814): i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen! http://tfl.nu/wf7b
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.

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  (814): BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team. http://tfl.nu/tfzh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

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  (302): Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak? http://tfl.nu/m53g
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.

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  (952): High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog. http://tfl.nu/sw6f
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.

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  (770): I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself. http://tfl.nu/dirk
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

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  (412): I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok http://tfl.nu/vgre
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey there's a sandwich in there too!

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  (508): Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay (1-508): Hey there's a sandwich in there too! http://tfl.nu/8qf0
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

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  (412): It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas http://tfl.nu/da47
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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  (970): I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation. http://tfl.nu/iw3q
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  (210): View more from Texas

  What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.

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  (210): What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that. http://tfl.nu/vntm
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

  (256): View more from Alabama

  FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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  (256): I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship. (1-256): I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them (256): FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT http://tfl.nu/i1rw
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  (786): View more from Florida

  What vodka is american?

  (1-786): View more from Florida

  Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.

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  (786): What vodka is american? (1-786): Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july. http://tfl.nu/p6uy
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool

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  (724): at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool http://tfl.nu/z0fe
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song

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  (908): Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song http://tfl.nu/uwq0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  God you're perfect.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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  (303): Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal. (1-303): God you're perfect. (303): I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier. http://tfl.nu/2wzm
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.

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  (919): He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP. http://tfl.nu/0m9q
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day

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  (808): I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day http://tfl.nu/wum7
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened

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  (505): I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened http://tfl.nu/wwzi
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  (760): View more from California

  I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.

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  (760): I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/aeiu
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  (760): View more from California

  It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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  (760): It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect http://tfl.nu/8hkz
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.

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  (773): I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day. http://tfl.nu/c735
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  (518): View more from New York

  I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!

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  (518): I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING! http://tfl.nu/za5e
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success

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  (413): This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame (774): I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success http://tfl.nu/49mo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.

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  (708): I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure. http://tfl.nu/qn53
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

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  (913): HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO?? http://tfl.nu/gz2t
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial

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  (406): She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial http://tfl.nu/8xau
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life

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  (907): Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life http://tfl.nu/0u5y
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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  (304): I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable. http://tfl.nu/maf5
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  (917): View more from New York City

  bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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  (917): bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was. http://tfl.nu/th2f
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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  (330): The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life. http://tfl.nu/qfsl
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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  (404): We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning. http://tfl.nu/65kx
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  (075): View more from

  thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.

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  (075): thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs. http://tfl.nu/pfb6
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

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  (601): When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub. http://tfl.nu/pgrs
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did

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  (610): You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did http://tfl.nu/pssp
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  (209): View more from California

  Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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  (209): Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way. http://tfl.nu/s3aa
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.

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  (907): Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman. http://tfl.nu/89v9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

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  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
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  (650): View more from California

  At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe

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  (650): At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe http://tfl.nu/ufvr
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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  (480): Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night. http://tfl.nu/uc8g
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****

  (734): View more from Michigan

  What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!

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  (586): Omg! Love it! Cant find L***** (734): What!!?? Like after last night you lost her? (586): Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts! http://tfl.nu/nyv8
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  (801): View more from Utah

  see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  wait.... you do what?

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  (801): see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks (1-801): wait.... you do what? http://tfl.nu/1q1g
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

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  (617): College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking http://tfl.nu/tpd8
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.

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  (435): Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control. http://tfl.nu/z6u1
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  Too low?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Yes.

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  (224): This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd. (309): Too low? (224): Yes. http://tfl.nu/cgtr
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.

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  (623): Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to. http://tfl.nu/084z
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it

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  (201): I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it http://tfl.nu/orze
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to

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  (703): We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to http://tfl.nu/xfm2
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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  (541): Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots. http://tfl.nu/feja
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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  (609): Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him. http://tfl.nu/6jaw
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up

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  (215): I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up http://tfl.nu/xoz1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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  (734): swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense. http://tfl.nu/wj9q
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends

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  (517): I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends http://tfl.nu/sky7
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  (916): View more from California

  Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties

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  (916): Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties http://tfl.nu/1wl7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.

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  (512): In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes. http://tfl.nu/9eez
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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  (715): your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage (608): HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES http://tfl.nu/buhh
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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  (313): Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight http://tfl.nu/29c9
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You would be my first round pick for a drinking team

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  (541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team http://tfl.nu/sq48
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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  (704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own. http://tfl.nu/ehgs
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

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  (416): I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS? http://tfl.nu/n2hz
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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  (206): Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry. http://tfl.nu/kkw8
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  (360): View more from Washington

  you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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  (360): you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands http://tfl.nu/td11
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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  (520): When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well. (1-520): Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand. http://tfl.nu/cdsz
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  (845): View more from New York

  First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...

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  (845): First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio... http://tfl.nu/v0nt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...

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  (780): just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon... http://tfl.nu/csyn
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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  (253): The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid http://tfl.nu/62ef
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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  (224): Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays http://tfl.nu/pg2c
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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  (720): He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible. http://tfl.nu/qdhh
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was

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  (514): I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was http://tfl.nu/5j8j
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  (858): View more from California

  I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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  (858): I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win. http://tfl.nu/f8rt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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  (601): He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle. http://tfl.nu/m2od
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
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  (510): View more from California

  This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

  (925): View more from California

  Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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  (510): This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over? (925): Quite the smooth talker. There in 5. http://tfl.nu/ccg0
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  dude why did you let me call her?!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...

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  (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation... http://tfl.nu/4h0w
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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  (740): I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing. http://tfl.nu/h581
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

  (614): View more from Ohio

  repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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  (614): my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat (614): repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES http://tfl.nu/9vr3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

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  (+44): The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her.. http://tfl.nu/uw6o
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round

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  (215): there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round http://tfl.nu/fnz0
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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  (514): I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me http://tfl.nu/t69r
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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  (617): FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day http://tfl.nu/h5lz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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  (908): You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night. (732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/bgum
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

  (226): View more from Ontario

  Don't answer that. It is bad.

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  (226): Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice? (226): Don't answer that. It is bad. http://tfl.nu/e65p
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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  (478): Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy. http://tfl.nu/ujmz
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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  (540): it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/zwfn
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Come down off the roof.

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  (847): Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go. (314): Come down off the roof. http://tfl.nu/d3mp
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.

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  (902): Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst. http://tfl.nu/a5qa
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  (707): View more from California

  do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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  (707): do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me http://tfl.nu/4f25
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

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  (603): A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you. http://tfl.nu/2hjp
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  (786): View more from Florida

  HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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  (786): HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM. http://tfl.nu/yhvq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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  (804): time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever http://tfl.nu/4zua
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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  (910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up http://tfl.nu/word
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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