Texts From Last Night

WhiskeyKid666's Favorites Texts:

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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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  (978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy. http://tfl.nu/bldo
  Replies (18) Good night (7639) Bad night (1192) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
  Replies (68) Good night (27473) Bad night (3096) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
  Replies (16) Good night (3689) Bad night (531)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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  (810): This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle http://tfl.nu/hm2k
  Replies (23) Good night (581) Bad night (1316) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59112) Bad night (7120) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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  (813): I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity. http://tfl.nu/otkw
  Replies (5) Good night (1217) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.

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  (803): I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer. http://tfl.nu/7z73
  Replies (2) Good night (514) Bad night (882) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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  (512): I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun. http://tfl.nu/d4m3
  Replies (21) Good night (2585) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?

  (1-925): View more from California

  Come on man nobody wants to admit that

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  (925): Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night? (1-925): Come on man nobody wants to admit that http://tfl.nu/8oz0
  Replies (7) Good night (2866) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.

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  (701): Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend. (701): The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer. http://tfl.nu/9cgs
  Replies (7) Good night (1998) Bad night (820)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  How have you survived this long?

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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  (479): Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever. (1-479): How have you survived this long? (479): Dumb luck and a deal with the devil. http://tfl.nu/0es8
  Replies (9) Good night (3087) Bad night (720)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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  (401): We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this." http://tfl.nu/1p18
  Replies (15) Good night (3914) Bad night (4750) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14691) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5872) Bad night (630)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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  (651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win (608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s
  Replies (6) Good night (3012) Bad night (621)
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
  Replies (39) Good night (706) Bad night (4276) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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  (303): I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned. (720): Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed? (303): my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are http://tfl.nu/22n0
  Replies (9) Good night (3682) Bad night (1169)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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  (519): You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month. http://tfl.nu/3065
  Replies (9) Good night (1981) Bad night (553)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (904): View more from Florida

  It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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  (904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum' (1-904): wtf? (904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend' http://tfl.nu/kgyk
  Replies (14) Good night (4267) Bad night (739)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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  (313): I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me (1-313): restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch http://tfl.nu/60qu
  Replies (10) Good night (842) Bad night (1753)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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  (401): I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa http://tfl.nu/56cb
  Replies (23) Good night (7216) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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  (908): We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!" http://tfl.nu/fs29
  Replies (11) Good night (3709) Bad night (938)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  pants will make it better? really?

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  (804): I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand. (1-804): pants will make it better? really? http://tfl.nu/cx1r
  Replies (7) Good night (2195) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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  (+44): you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing http://tfl.nu/zvza
  Replies (10) Good night (4045) Bad night (1327) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.

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  (732): Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful. http://tfl.nu/p1yf
  Replies (3) Good night (667) Bad night (2573) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
  Replies (44) Good night (4634) Bad night (8290)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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  (401): My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets". http://tfl.nu/hqdk
  Replies (15) Good night (8468) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.

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  (512): After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game. http://tfl.nu/rksq
  Replies (8) Good night (3394) Bad night (994)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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  (605): They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now? http://tfl.nu/s9tm
  Replies (11) Good night (3878) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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  (206): She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again. http://tfl.nu/x87e
  Replies (45) Good night (1779) Bad night (5555) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.

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  (843): Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing. http://tfl.nu/zggy
  Replies (5) Good night (1918) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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  (858): Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch http://tfl.nu/zban
  Replies (28) Good night (8591) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

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  (913): You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory http://tfl.nu/s661
  Replies (15) Good night (3942) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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  (541): blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best http://tfl.nu/qdc9
  Replies (17) Good night (3062) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
  Replies (11) Good night (4370) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I had to brake up with him.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  In my experience drinking helps.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You dont want to know why?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Not really. I want to drink.

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  (480): I had to brake up with him. (602): In my experience drinking helps. (480): You dont want to know why? (602): Not really. I want to drink. http://tfl.nu/mwqo
  Replies (27) Good night (4471) Bad night (856)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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  (651): Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me. http://tfl.nu/26ae
  Replies (7) Good night (3207) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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  (510): Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone" http://tfl.nu/xglm
  Replies (13) Good night (3148) Bad night (1300) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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  (217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg
  Replies (4) Good night (3262) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome

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  (530): i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome http://tfl.nu/b710
  Replies (10) Good night (1881) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

  (714): View more from California

  and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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  (562): tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will (714): and a girl gets the red ring of death every month http://tfl.nu/ybz8
  Replies (59) Good night (5845) Bad night (1192)
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  (212): View more from New York

  Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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  (212): Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did! http://tfl.nu/gcyx
  Replies (26) Good night (3826) Bad night (545) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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  (410): i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka. (443): do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob? http://tfl.nu/qeeu
  Replies (18) Good night (4705) Bad night (885)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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  (918): he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy. http://tfl.nu/so4p
  Replies (5) Good night (1104) Bad night (2523) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
  Replies (55) Good night (3267) Bad night (621)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

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  (573): My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son. http://tfl.nu/oti7
  Replies (7) Good night (3029) Bad night (541) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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  (317): I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people http://tfl.nu/qth2
  Replies (34) Good night (6555) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
  Replies (47) Good night (9942) Bad night (896)
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  (530): View more from California

  Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.

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  (530): Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying. http://tfl.nu/488f
  Replies (12) Good night (1481) Bad night (2454) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
  Replies (50) Good night (9220) Bad night (2831) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
  Replies (23) Good night (6001) Bad night (1543) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I can't feel my brain.

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  (417): I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison. (417): I can't feel my brain. http://tfl.nu/qap9
  Replies (11) Good night (1719) Bad night (3976)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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  (214): No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds. http://tfl.nu/2lul
  Replies (42) Good night (1758) Bad night (6454) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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  (914): im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj http://tfl.nu/kgi8
  Replies (22) Good night (5433) Bad night (1664) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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  (770): There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry. http://tfl.nu/klio
  Replies (9) Good night (3839) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....

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  (313): An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it.... http://tfl.nu/pvzg
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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  (905): Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should. http://tfl.nu/b27t
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night

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  (978): My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night http://tfl.nu/zzxc
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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  (253): The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid http://tfl.nu/62ef
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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  (678): So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God. http://tfl.nu/decj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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  (704): I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying. http://tfl.nu/un4v
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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  (662): this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here (601): on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends http://tfl.nu/r706
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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  (352): Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house? http://tfl.nu/bc2r
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  (650): View more from California

  I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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  (650): I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program. http://tfl.nu/1rj5
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

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  (401): Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out. http://tfl.nu/h447
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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  (847): The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job http://tfl.nu/ki5a
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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  (206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light. (1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had. http://tfl.nu/n63r
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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  (406): Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night http://tfl.nu/9n0e
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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  (208): Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time http://tfl.nu/nmkk
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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  (807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina. http://tfl.nu/rpnu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.

  (925): View more from California

  "half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.

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  (541): mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up. (925): "half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking. http://tfl.nu/v25q
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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  (404): Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night http://tfl.nu/nrlr
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK

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  (508): Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK http://tfl.nu/0izu
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  (646): View more from New York

  We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

  (1-646): View more from New York

  mom would be proud

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  (646): We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday (1-646): mom would be proud http://tfl.nu/m6gx
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.

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  (978): and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic. http://tfl.nu/tsdy
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

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  (973): Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests http://tfl.nu/b1y9
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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  (416): Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment. http://tfl.nu/mdg4
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (626): View more from California

  This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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  (626): This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side http://tfl.nu/w2qc
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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  (717): well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours (484): andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you http://tfl.nu/ooyd
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  (+79): View more from

  Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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  (+79): Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight http://tfl.nu/p28c
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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  (520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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  (225): He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day http://tfl.nu/y67c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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  (847): i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1. http://tfl.nu/5eb0
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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  (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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  (610): I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/xbiu
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.

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  (504): I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine. http://tfl.nu/uiwl
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.

  (281): View more from Texas

  No. Just liquor. Time's no good.

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  (253): I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time. (281): No. Just liquor. Time's no good. http://tfl.nu/1yv7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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  (203): no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet. http://tfl.nu/q394
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

  (213): View more from California

  so that means christmas in space?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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  (781): my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop (213): so that means christmas in space? (781): imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi http://tfl.nu/5ssx
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  (909): View more from California

  According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack

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  (909): According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack http://tfl.nu/ipzj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.

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  (702): I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks. http://tfl.nu/qdu7
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  (619): View more from California

  i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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  (619): i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die http://tfl.nu/4ks9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.

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  (617): The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door. http://tfl.nu/n48k
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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  (609): We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready. http://tfl.nu/9xou
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character

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  (361): I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character http://tfl.nu/1uae
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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  (+44): what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes http://tfl.nu/x7um
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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  (814): I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up... http://tfl.nu/nkqy
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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  (972): Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world http://tfl.nu/83f8
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm on page 4.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Im on beer infinity

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  (706): I'm on page 4. (678): Im on beer infinity http://tfl.nu/an89
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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  (724): I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong. http://tfl.nu/hgte
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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  (313): Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice http://tfl.nu/wuko
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine

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  (704): Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine http://tfl.nu/h0jd
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.

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  (270): Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture. http://tfl.nu/x5k8
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  (425): View more from Washington

  four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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  (425): four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone http://tfl.nu/zkvp
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  (315): View more from New York

  I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

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  (315): I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill. http://tfl.nu/1t9o
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  (909): View more from California

  Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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  (909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person? http://tfl.nu/yet0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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  (214): Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem http://tfl.nu/y1i7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Haym$ered

  (734): View more from Michigan

  turn off your phone and go to bed

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  (248): Haym$ered (734): turn off your phone and go to bed http://tfl.nu/2w37
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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  (401): Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time http://tfl.nu/icsx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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  (504): He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life. http://tfl.nu/mz8p
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (801): View more from Utah

  No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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  (801): No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything http://tfl.nu/rmdb
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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  (412): This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun. http://tfl.nu/9a4x
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.

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  (978): Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen. http://tfl.nu/nx95
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.

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  (580): He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/564h
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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  (937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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  (917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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  (918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request. http://tfl.nu/53d6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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  (303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work

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  (+44): He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work http://tfl.nu/peex
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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  (973): Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings. http://tfl.nu/ds3w
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

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  (253): I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels. http://tfl.nu/jjfn
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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  (862): I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard http://tfl.nu/ecro
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...

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  (203): Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night... http://tfl.nu/4ooo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

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  (678): Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead, http://tfl.nu/tjky
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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  (732): Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab. http://tfl.nu/smzr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."

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  (917): He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this." http://tfl.nu/rnir
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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  (651): how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting? http://tfl.nu/ew93
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  (559): View more from California

  You realize it's finals week?

  (408): View more from California

  Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.

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  (559): You realize it's finals week? (408): Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first. http://tfl.nu/rjos
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Prob not but she was surprised

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  (773): When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate" (312): Prob not but she was surprised http://tfl.nu/a9jx
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  (951): View more from California

  Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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  (951): Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries http://tfl.nu/sog5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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  (205): I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine. http://tfl.nu/wlnl
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  (315): View more from New York

  THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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  (315): THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7uwm
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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  (919): I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...? http://tfl.nu/n1uy
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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  (765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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  (918): We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime http://tfl.nu/yqbs
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
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  (310): View more from California

  you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.

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  (310): you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk. http://tfl.nu/32ev
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (845): View more from New York

  They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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  (845): They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory. http://tfl.nu/jr9q
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

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  (479): They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless. http://tfl.nu/hmfp
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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  (814): In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands." http://tfl.nu/l3oo
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.

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  (306): I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not. http://tfl.nu/ytdq
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