Texts From Last Night

shazzamm's Favorites Texts:

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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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  (862): I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated. http://tfl.nu/6ujy
  Replies (21) Good night (3259) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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  (307): Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids. http://tfl.nu/60tn
  Replies (15) Good night (3044) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.

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  (410): You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers. http://tfl.nu/ew7x
  Replies (6) Good night (622) Bad night (1579) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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  (613): On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it? http://tfl.nu/27yi
  Replies (5) Good night (1276) Bad night (581) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  She fuckin peed on me

  (817): View more from Texas

  Stay golden ponyboy

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  (757): She fuckin peed on me (817): Stay golden ponyboy http://tfl.nu/vooq
  Replies (16) Good night (4655) Bad night (965)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?

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  (+61): He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday? http://tfl.nu/aaeg
  Replies (5) Good night (1856) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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  (970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1
  Replies (23) Good night (6559) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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  (607): I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson. http://tfl.nu/gvkr
  Replies (13) Good night (3191) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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  (816): She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it http://tfl.nu/ag4k
  Replies (8) Good night (2585) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
  Replies (22) Good night (4285) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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  (707): He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ve7z
  Replies (21) Good night (7164) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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  (435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r
  Replies (29) Good night (5702) Bad night (1029)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
  Replies (13) Good night (4028) Bad night (1352) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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  (408): This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/u3v1
  Replies (8) Good night (4048) Bad night (666)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
  Replies (11) Good night (13039) Bad night (1076)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'

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  (713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly' http://tfl.nu/5ixk
  Replies (5) Good night (3481) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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  (410): I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward http://tfl.nu/w0c9
  Replies (10) Good night (3164) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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  (301): I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls <3 http://tfl.nu/wgu0
  Replies (73) Good night (1486) Bad night (3944) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
  Replies (5) Good night (1277) Bad night (894) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

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  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
  Replies (34) Good night (10524) Bad night (1107)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
  Replies (35) Good night (15366) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

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  (916): Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice http://tfl.nu/ob9j
  Replies (76) Good night (2650) Bad night (1494) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord

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  (570): i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord http://tfl.nu/ym53
  Replies (10) Good night (2735) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.

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  (301): just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom. http://tfl.nu/qack
  Replies (30) Good night (5222) Bad night (980)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.

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  (520): you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him. http://tfl.nu/r7kw
  Replies (10) Good night (641) Bad night (3394) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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  (601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf
  Replies (33) Good night (6887) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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  (810): we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect. http://tfl.nu/l0ek
  Replies (58) Good night (9065) Bad night (586)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  spencer pratt says his family invinted chess

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.

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  (210): spencer pratt says his family invinted chess (1-210): that kid is like the al gore of hollywood. http://tfl.nu/qms6
  Replies (19) Good night (731) Bad night (2044) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

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  (267): Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup. http://tfl.nu/dysq
  Replies (10) Good night (2983) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.

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  (760): Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros. http://tfl.nu/aucf
  Replies (19) Good night (512) Bad night (3421) Order T-Shirt
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.

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  (779): Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge. http://tfl.nu/lg3i
  Replies (6) Good night (1093) Bad night (1444) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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  (734): I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady. http://tfl.nu/nlis
  Replies (8) Good night (3776) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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  (240): I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy http://tfl.nu/3nw9
  Replies (3) Good night (954) Bad night (3309) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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  (415): dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint http://tfl.nu/6bee
  Replies (5) Good night (1060) Bad night (2245) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
  Replies (12) Good night (6880) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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  (414): oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv. http://tfl.nu/ywog
  Replies (7) Good night (3947) Bad night (742) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

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  (904): HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. http://tfl.nu/mng5
  Replies (9) Good night (2413) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do flat chested girls get laid?

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  (724): how do flat chested girls get laid? http://tfl.nu/7tbe
  Replies (189) Good night (1086) Bad night (5712) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

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  (215): Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day. http://tfl.nu/lmzq
  Replies (8) Good night (3244) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip

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  (360): In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip http://tfl.nu/ivxr
  Replies (3) Good night (1789) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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  (920): She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that http://tfl.nu/8ytu
  Replies (13) Good night (907) Bad night (4565) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.

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  (301): I wish Pampers made couches for people like us. http://tfl.nu/vwfv
  Replies (6) Good night (619) Bad night (3101) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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  (703): There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse. http://tfl.nu/1du4
  Replies (27) Good night (3353) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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  (404): It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more. http://tfl.nu/2mzd
  Replies (17) Good night (1249) Bad night (7649) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
  Replies (33) Good night (9114) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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  (571): he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time http://tfl.nu/1urp
  Replies (40) Good night (6597) Bad night (1506) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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  (405): I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny. http://tfl.nu/uleh
  Replies (30) Good night (5565) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Becoming a productive member of society?

  (509): View more from Washington

  Sam. Come on.

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  (509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? (860): Becoming a productive member of society? (509): Sam. Come on. http://tfl.nu/hrkz
  Replies (38) Good night (6519) Bad night (690)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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  (513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne
  Replies (24) Good night (14385) Bad night (1450) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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  (204): For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video. http://tfl.nu/6mdy
  Replies (6) Good night (2936) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?

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  (316): Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage? http://tfl.nu/r2cg
  Replies (6) Good night (2117) Bad night (1701) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.

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  (937): The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull. http://tfl.nu/s2w2
  Replies (8) Good night (3394) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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  (562): he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8. http://tfl.nu/qal7
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.

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  (732): a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart. http://tfl.nu/8pw6
  Replies (6) Good night (2816) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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  (613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts

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  (937): there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts http://tfl.nu/ju9y
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
  Replies (33) Good night (10954) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

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  (510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x
  Replies (36) Good night (4250) Bad night (551)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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  (412): there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty" http://tfl.nu/qrhn
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...

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  (313): Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this... http://tfl.nu/lox2
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  (914): View more from New York

  This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.

  (1-914): View more from New York

  maybe it's her son

  (914): View more from New York

  thats not any better.

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  (914): This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out. (1-914): maybe it's her son (914): thats not any better. http://tfl.nu/9ktq
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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  (314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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  (850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful. http://tfl.nu/1iey
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  (516): View more from New York

  The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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  (516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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  (270): We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel. http://tfl.nu/l81q
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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  (484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and the officer said have you been drinking

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and i said NOO SIR.

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and he said, I am a woman.

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  (864): and the officer said have you been drinking (864): and i said NOO SIR. (864): and he said, I am a woman. http://tfl.nu/8g3i
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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  (301): I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are http://tfl.nu/5z46
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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  (206): he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff. http://tfl.nu/ss2c
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.

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  (732): i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds. http://tfl.nu/8f3d
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again

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  (508): Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again http://tfl.nu/am23
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

  (1-641): View more from Iowa

  STOP listening to that song

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  (641): FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER (1-641): STOP listening to that song http://tfl.nu/q2fx
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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  (720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  "women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy

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  (201): "women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc (1-201): damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy http://tfl.nu/c3kq
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you don't even go to loyola anymore

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  (504): loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs (314): you don't even go to loyola anymore http://tfl.nu/fisu
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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  (416): Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before http://tfl.nu/meit
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.

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  (605): I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong. http://tfl.nu/jd9v
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

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  (989): He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame http://tfl.nu/n7tj
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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  (919): You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell http://tfl.nu/8yas
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

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  (815): i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot http://tfl.nu/m7cq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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  (303): My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/ipi0
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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  (540): we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here (540): you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill http://tfl.nu/12nq
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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  (217): I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in. http://tfl.nu/j76d
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  (619): View more from California

  I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.

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  (619): I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong. http://tfl.nu/qtfu
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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  (561): he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd http://tfl.nu/m32u
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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  (757): I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class. http://tfl.nu/buxk
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

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  (202): Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful. http://tfl.nu/bz9e
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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  (301): Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick? http://tfl.nu/d7bm
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  (716): View more from New York

  I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.

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  (716): I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting. http://tfl.nu/txta
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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  (301): My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake. http://tfl.nu/il6h
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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  (913): The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them. http://tfl.nu/9puy
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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  (208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe. http://tfl.nu/02tv
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.

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  (908): I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool. http://tfl.nu/5y98
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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  (740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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  (701): Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave? http://tfl.nu/y6y0
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

  (415): View more from California

  i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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  (702): chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate (415): i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube http://tfl.nu/nhs2
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i think i scared a bird with my dick

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  (832): i think i scared a bird with my dick http://tfl.nu/1tdx
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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  (334): You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool. http://tfl.nu/6ccl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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  (617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i
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  (772): View more from Florida

  I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

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  (772): I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates http://tfl.nu/4z1l
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (415): View more from California

  how hairy? two words: wookie tits

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  (415): how hairy? two words: wookie tits http://tfl.nu/0tmt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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  (615): How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"? http://tfl.nu/jnls
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  i want to fuck

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  ?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  it's pretty self explanatory

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  (701): i want to fuck (320): ? (701): it's pretty self explanatory http://tfl.nu/ul4n
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (713): View more from Texas

  You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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  (713): You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin (954): Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language http://tfl.nu/75up
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.

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  (304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires. http://tfl.nu/nxay
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  (239): View more from Florida

  In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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  (239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now. http://tfl.nu/wa2b
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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  (256): Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed http://tfl.nu/b65f
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five

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  (260): Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five http://tfl.nu/catf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

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  (717): dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long http://tfl.nu/r5ag
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.

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  (765): let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment. http://tfl.nu/novi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good

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  (512): Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good http://tfl.nu/r9g3
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  what's Bukake?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  a bad idea.

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  (513): what's Bukake? (1-513): a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/i91o
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

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  (253): Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt http://tfl.nu/m43s
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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  (815): I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance http://tfl.nu/h8yt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I chose taco bell over sex...

  (503): View more from Oregon

  good choice.

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  (503): I chose taco bell over sex... (503): good choice. http://tfl.nu/85cg
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Disappointment?

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  (404): They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces. (618): Disappointment? http://tfl.nu/lu72
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

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  (317): Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke http://tfl.nu/o61t
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  (+44): View more from England

  mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

  (+44): View more from England

  "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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  (+44): mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes. (+44): "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'" http://tfl.nu/aeg7
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina

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  (920): The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina http://tfl.nu/dlly
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cherish every text you send me

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  (410): I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland (412): I cherish every text you send me http://tfl.nu/05mc
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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  (989): I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis. http://tfl.nu/oi4a
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I felt like helen keller

  (810): View more from Michigan

  But she could have totally found that shit before me

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  (810): I felt like helen keller (810): But she could have totally found that shit before me http://tfl.nu/5p3h
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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  (918): When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty http://tfl.nu/ybq4
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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  (859): make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through. http://tfl.nu/bvv7
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (914): View more from New York

  my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet

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  (914): my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet http://tfl.nu/lao3
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  (212): View more from New York

  lets start a swedish sibling band together

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  (212): lets start a swedish sibling band together http://tfl.nu/bq14
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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  (204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps

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  (703): I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps http://tfl.nu/dpvm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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  (443): THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT. http://tfl.nu/04d2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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  (248): Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars http://tfl.nu/5z1n
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.

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  (804): So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets. http://tfl.nu/c2eo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

  (847): View more from Illinois

  And they lived happily ever after....

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  (815): We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal... (847): And they lived happily ever after.... http://tfl.nu/htue
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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  (617): His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava http://tfl.nu/q9zi
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.

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  (240): I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged. http://tfl.nu/1zhu
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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  (319): Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it http://tfl.nu/ymth
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Who?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Chris brown

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  No way... I bet he was intense

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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  (248): You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to.. (1-248): Who? (248): Chris brown (1-248): No way... I bet he was intense (248): Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two http://tfl.nu/q7w2
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  (772): View more from Florida

  it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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  (772): it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night http://tfl.nu/3jc9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation

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  (720): Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation http://tfl.nu/efec
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  (760): View more from California

  she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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  (760): she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse. http://tfl.nu/wf42
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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  (440): omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had http://tfl.nu/fpfu
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  (619): View more from California

  i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...

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  (619): i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"... http://tfl.nu/0of4
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