Texts From Last Night

rohoho's Favorites Texts:

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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

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  (+44): listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all. http://tfl.nu/7xa1
  Replies (8) Good night (1023) Bad night (2524)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

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  (+44): That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard. http://tfl.nu/cdhm
  Replies (20) Good night (4700) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?

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  (440): Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating? http://tfl.nu/ubob
  Replies (6) Good night (1440) Bad night (961) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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  (910): I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo. http://tfl.nu/5daz
  Replies (6) Good night (3456) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

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  (562): I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy. http://tfl.nu/l30m
  Replies (9) Good night (3173) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (+84): View more from

  The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white

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  (+84): The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white http://tfl.nu/gomk
  Replies (7) Good night (2826) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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  (206): He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking. http://tfl.nu/jryu
  Replies (25) Good night (6004) Bad night (709)
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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  (435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r
  Replies (29) Good night (5703) Bad night (1031)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
  Replies (28) Good night (2498) Bad night (11874)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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  (903): He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit. http://tfl.nu/92kz
  Replies (21) Good night (5391) Bad night (1272) Order T-Shirt
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.

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  (+64): You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited. http://tfl.nu/941d
  Replies (4) Good night (1461) Bad night (680)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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  (812): The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age http://tfl.nu/fek2
  Replies (10) Good night (3414) Bad night (589) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.

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  (+44): She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre. http://tfl.nu/gzcq
  Replies (5) Good night (2370) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore

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  (203): So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore http://tfl.nu/h83b
  Replies (11) Good night (712) Bad night (5155) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Worst stoner tragedy.

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  (262): I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo. (715): Worst stoner tragedy. http://tfl.nu/7uyr
  Replies (41) Good night (1725) Bad night (6209)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
  Replies (24) Good night (6914) Bad night (1942) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
  Replies (61) Good night (18524) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
  Replies (33) Good night (10401) Bad night (1155) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?

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  (314): Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent? http://tfl.nu/oc2y
  Replies (20) Good night (834) Bad night (1851) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.

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  (219): They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves. http://tfl.nu/j0o7
  Replies (9) Good night (1135) Bad night (2138) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
  Replies (21) Good night (7077) Bad night (1494) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
  Replies (33) Good night (10958) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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  (801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8
  Replies (4) Good night (3923) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (+43): View more from

  my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

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  (+43): my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe http://tfl.nu/lh72
  Replies (16) Good night (7706) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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  (414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day http://tfl.nu/nn34
  Replies (3) Good night (4750) Bad night (757) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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  (917): Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree. http://tfl.nu/ljt4
  Replies (16) Good night (2762) Bad night (1421)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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  (203): Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor. http://tfl.nu/o6bb
  Replies (54) Good night (1731) Bad night (5342) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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  (+44): We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in. http://tfl.nu/xqye
  Replies (8) Good night (3681) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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  (217): I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in. http://tfl.nu/j76d
  Replies (7) Good night (3339) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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  (636): she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina http://tfl.nu/0ynp
  Replies (23) Good night (7164) Bad night (803) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I cont stop tolking in a british axsent

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  (215): I cont stop tolking in a british axsent http://tfl.nu/j2m9
  Replies (45) Good night (3872) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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  (254): I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me. http://tfl.nu/dyjh
  Replies (8) Good night (3409) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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  (940): You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse. http://tfl.nu/kwi6
  Replies (10) Good night (2712) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.

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  (530): I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me. http://tfl.nu/jc9x
  Replies (29) Good night (4164) Bad night (952) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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  (860): So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out. http://tfl.nu/xnc4
  Replies (11) Good night (5123) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings

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  (901): oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass (901): fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings http://tfl.nu/b0u6
  Replies (118) Good night (4256) Bad night (1255)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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  (203): I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards. http://tfl.nu/12q7
  Replies (14) Good night (2804) Bad night (1289) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.

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  (949): My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship. http://tfl.nu/pxfl
  Replies (11) Good night (3102) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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  (+44): It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol http://tfl.nu/lr14
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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  (814): he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard. http://tfl.nu/0fj9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.

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  (206): Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night. http://tfl.nu/k8do
  Replies (15) Good night (497) Bad night (1616) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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  (954): I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M http://tfl.nu/v1d0
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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  (773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys. http://tfl.nu/g51j
  Replies (39) Good night (3797) Bad night (909) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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  (516): the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother. http://tfl.nu/cizt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you

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  (260): you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you http://tfl.nu/iz7v
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56842) Bad night (4687)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54027) Bad night (4403) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
  Replies (9) Good night (4148) Bad night (641)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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  (970): Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate. http://tfl.nu/9f37
  Replies (6) Good night (3334) Bad night (1196) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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  (845): she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave http://tfl.nu/ylty
  Replies (5) Good night (872) Bad night (2820) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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  (636): She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome http://tfl.nu/8vj5
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

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  (856): my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face http://tfl.nu/f36p
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  (512): View more from Texas

  what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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  (512): what did gay clubs do before lady gaga http://tfl.nu/x7iq
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.

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  (224): U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here. http://tfl.nu/6777
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.

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  (651): whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it. http://tfl.nu/g1hs
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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  (256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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  (604): You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band" http://tfl.nu/p9bm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.

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  (610): he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted. http://tfl.nu/laiq
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken

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  (705): her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken http://tfl.nu/6ixh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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  (732): just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit http://tfl.nu/qpl1
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  (310): View more from California

  Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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  (310): Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces. http://tfl.nu/d897
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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  (210): Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously http://tfl.nu/22yg
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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  (325): Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero http://tfl.nu/zl6f
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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  (208): the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes http://tfl.nu/a563
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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  (732): he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/xvk7
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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  (781): I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing. http://tfl.nu/7fgj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them

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  (617): were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them http://tfl.nu/uwjn
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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  (612): I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin. http://tfl.nu/g2gc
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly

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  (860): I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly http://tfl.nu/inbj
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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  (484): we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed. http://tfl.nu/819f
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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  (321): I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it. http://tfl.nu/0ggm
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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  (219): ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference... http://tfl.nu/jx5w
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  (619): View more from California

  Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

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  (619): Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/2isj
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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  (989): It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened. http://tfl.nu/z3yw
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed

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  (504): i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed http://tfl.nu/6hho
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  (661): View more from California

  What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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  (661): What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife http://tfl.nu/wigu
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  (914): View more from New York

  im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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  (914): im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj http://tfl.nu/kgi8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.

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  (410): well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed. http://tfl.nu/tir7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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  (214): I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all. http://tfl.nu/v9t7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

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  (913): We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount! http://tfl.nu/fchz
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

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  (618): i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette. http://tfl.nu/cqrz
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  (661): View more from California

  He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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  (661): He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/ay3j
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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  (412): woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered. http://tfl.nu/z2cy
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  (585): View more from New York

  I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

  (1-585): View more from New York

  You are so irish.

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  (585): I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better. (1-585): You are so irish. http://tfl.nu/pewr
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  (818): View more from California

  Finally jerked of with a banana peel.

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  (818): Finally jerked of with a banana peel. http://tfl.nu/gj9m
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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  (410): i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes http://tfl.nu/11ee
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  (716): View more from New York

  He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.

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  (716): He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER. http://tfl.nu/jf69
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it

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  (402): you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it http://tfl.nu/0kqo
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

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  (919): And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts. http://tfl.nu/x2s5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My hand turned me down

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  (303): My hand turned me down http://tfl.nu/yueq
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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  (413): i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool. http://tfl.nu/ncnm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

  (420): View more from

  your the best winggirl ever

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  (610): Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie (420): your the best winggirl ever http://tfl.nu/bhih
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  (914): View more from New York

  Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

  (1-914): View more from New York

  It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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  (914): Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk (1-914): It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you http://tfl.nu/bgwq
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  (818): View more from California

  I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.

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  (818): I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek. http://tfl.nu/wo3r
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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  (570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?

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  (206): would you consider dating someone with braces an investment? http://tfl.nu/nnkb
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you have got to be kidding?

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  (440): why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex. (1-440): you have got to be kidding? http://tfl.nu/stk6
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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  (732): That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. http://tfl.nu/7vfy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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  (303): I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep http://tfl.nu/pnlq
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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  (480): i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera.... http://tfl.nu/on9i
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

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  (303): So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing http://tfl.nu/363h
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

  (816): View more from Missouri

  please tell me you are kidding me

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  (913): i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell (816): please tell me you are kidding me http://tfl.nu/zfgp
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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  (780): She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever. http://tfl.nu/i189
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  (607): View more from New York

  I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.

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  (607): I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength. http://tfl.nu/np75
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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  (314): I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster. http://tfl.nu/3vkx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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  (920): The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila. http://tfl.nu/42di
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.

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  (604): What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners. http://tfl.nu/ayy8
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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  (336): Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see. http://tfl.nu/n17o
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

  (513): View more from Ohio

  so is it as big as he says?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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  (216): he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out (513): so is it as big as he says? (216): he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit http://tfl.nu/hksl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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  (917): Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste. http://tfl.nu/mscz
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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  (423): I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/dili
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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  (910): He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work. http://tfl.nu/wbkv
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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  (314): I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college... http://tfl.nu/a15y
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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  (864): We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use. http://tfl.nu/kk0h
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  (805): View more from California

  Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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  (805): Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement? http://tfl.nu/mmb3
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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  (307): there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends http://tfl.nu/lr33
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again

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  (417): That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again http://tfl.nu/ofmm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

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  (412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God. http://tfl.nu/yxgi
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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  (+44): Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong? http://tfl.nu/qz2n
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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  (+44): i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now... http://tfl.nu/kqc9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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  (512): Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie. http://tfl.nu/3ijz
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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  (517): He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine http://tfl.nu/n0tq
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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  (+44): You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize. http://tfl.nu/htot
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.

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  (203): she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it. http://tfl.nu/xu40
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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  (907): I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar. http://tfl.nu/wjyf
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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  (219): she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs' http://tfl.nu/aa98
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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  (859): I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me. http://tfl.nu/euxr
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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  (614): halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday' http://tfl.nu/p489
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  (518): View more from New York

  my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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  (518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0
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  (281): View more from Texas

  had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

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  (281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag. http://tfl.nu/mbm9
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (916): View more from California

  So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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  (916): So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off? http://tfl.nu/zq3l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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  (816): Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina http://tfl.nu/2dpv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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  (734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians. http://tfl.nu/rppl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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  (414): Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that. http://tfl.nu/4zb9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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  (+44): Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back http://tfl.nu/tdhe
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (562): View more from California

  In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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  (562): In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for... http://tfl.nu/hz7t
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  told you he was gay.

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  (401): he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head... (1-401): told you he was gay. http://tfl.nu/35fi
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
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