Texts From Last Night · Layla611's Favorites

Layla611's Favorites Texts:

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.

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(239): View more from Florida

We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(206): View more from Washington

he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

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(512): View more from Texas

You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.

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(813): View more from Florida

$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.

(270): View more from Kentucky

No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

(618): View more from Illinois

Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.

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(207): View more from Maine

remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween

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(785): View more from Kansas

They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

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(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(773): View more from Illinois

after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown

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(817): View more from Texas

I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(845): View more from New York

Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

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(786): View more from Florida

you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.

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(903): View more from Texas

The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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(858): View more from California

No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(631): View more from New York

I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(313): View more from Michigan

Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?

(501): View more from Arkansas

Go back and try to find another to go home with.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(214): View more from Texas

The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour

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(562): View more from California

The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on

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(914): View more from New York

He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.

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(614): View more from Ohio

2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My vagina supports interfraternal relations

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(818): View more from California

I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(805): View more from California

How much is that going to cost?

(1-805): View more from California

A lot of beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(360): View more from Washington

Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(925): View more from California

WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...

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(660): View more from Missouri

It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(517): View more from Michigan

This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.

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(602): View more from Arizona

By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(903): View more from Texas

True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

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(773): View more from Illinois

i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(773): View more from Illinois

will power is for people who don't want to get laid

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(925): View more from California

you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka

(816): View more from Missouri

You're so demanding.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(702): View more from Nevada

im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?

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(323): View more from California

What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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(904): View more from Florida

you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.

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(989): View more from Michigan

My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(214): View more from Texas

I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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