Texts From Last Night · classsssssyy's Favorites

classsssssyy's Favorites Texts:

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(613): View more from Ontario

The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(818): View more from California

Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(563): View more from Iowa

I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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(813): View more from Florida

Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.

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(214): View more from Texas

I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.

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(310): View more from California

The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear

(310): View more from California

We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(916): View more from California

I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

Oh shit. This is getting real.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night

(815): View more from Illinois

Bouncers are people too...giant angry people

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(845): View more from New York

I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex

(216): View more from Ohio

Never mind I found pizza just bring sex

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.

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(559): View more from California

Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

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(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(286): View more from

I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Wait, that's an option?

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(303): View more from Colorado

That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(440): View more from Ohio

Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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