Texts From Last Night

Mactastic's Favorites Texts:

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  (530): View more from California

  tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner

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  (530): tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner http://tfl.nu/ps9e
  Replies (7) Good night (91) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"

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  (307): It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically" http://tfl.nu/yzem
  Replies (6) Good night (311) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game

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  (412): Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game http://tfl.nu/gj5a
  Replies (15) Good night (1309) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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  (850): Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer. http://tfl.nu/iky6
  Replies (22) Good night (2298) Bad night (447)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT

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  (406): Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT http://tfl.nu/rebq
  Replies (7) Good night (799) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

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  (517): Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet. http://tfl.nu/zmql
  Replies (15) Good night (1215) Bad night (379) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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  (804): I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate http://tfl.nu/clkd
  Replies (6) Good night (1284) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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  (603): ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy http://tfl.nu/t11r
  Replies (13) Good night (2114) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?

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  (832): You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you? http://tfl.nu/n46m
  Replies (9) Good night (1383) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  He smells so good today

  (1-641): View more from Iowa

  Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.

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  (641): He smells so good today (1-641): Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit. http://tfl.nu/5jte
  Replies (13) Good night (1742) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
  Replies (15) Good night (2816) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

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  (914): I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow http://tfl.nu/1io8
  Replies (17) Good night (1745) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...

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  (507): I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs... http://tfl.nu/9q2b
  Replies (6) Good night (924) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized

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  (217): Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized http://tfl.nu/ymju
  Replies (6) Good night (1615) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...

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  (425): He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by... http://tfl.nu/ardl
  Replies (6) Good night (1489) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
  Replies (20) Good night (4061) Bad night (508)
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.

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  (518): Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass. http://tfl.nu/ms9b
  Replies (23) Good night (1231) Bad night (1087) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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  (360): sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name. http://tfl.nu/z35x
  Replies (12) Good night (2409) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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  (734): What do you wear to apply at a strip club? http://tfl.nu/ttz5
  Replies (16) Good night (1880) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.

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  (602): Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library. http://tfl.nu/6qen
  Replies (11) Good night (1494) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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  (715): 1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed http://tfl.nu/vbeb
  Replies (7) Good night (1918) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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  (916): It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie. http://tfl.nu/mir1
  Replies (12) Good night (1433) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog

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  (646): How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog http://tfl.nu/iwbb
  Replies (5) Good night (420) Bad night (1750) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk

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  (203): Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk http://tfl.nu/skkt
  Replies (15) Good night (444) Bad night (1089) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?

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  (615): Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night? http://tfl.nu/hddi
  Replies (11) Good night (1680) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago

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  (815): I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago http://tfl.nu/274p
  Replies (11) Good night (304) Bad night (2366) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.

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  (513): Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah. http://tfl.nu/232a
  Replies (16) Good night (327) Bad night (1630) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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  (213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." http://tfl.nu/jevy
  Replies (38) Good night (3240) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel

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  (323): I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel http://tfl.nu/ythu
  Replies (5) Good night (1123) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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  (850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life http://tfl.nu/ihqi
  Replies (15) Good night (451) Bad night (2452) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.

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  (641): My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days. http://tfl.nu/soru
  Replies (9) Good night (2561) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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  (401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd
  Replies (14) Good night (1800) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.

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  (309): Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience. http://tfl.nu/wh3c
  Replies (8) Good night (1326) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob

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  (440): I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob http://tfl.nu/pg2m
  Replies (13) Good night (2388) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (770): you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why. (678): THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/cex4
  Replies (18) Good night (2582) Bad night (359)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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  (724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl
  Replies (15) Good night (3572) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

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  (215): I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood. http://tfl.nu/t851
  Replies (3) Good night (1543) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like

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  (914): Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like http://tfl.nu/plug
  Replies (19) Good night (681) Bad night (1634) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours

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  (610): You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours http://tfl.nu/b1w1
  Replies (5) Good night (2398) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.

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  (504): She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv. http://tfl.nu/57s8
  Replies (7) Good night (576) Bad night (1436) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.

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  (317): Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid. http://tfl.nu/n6yk
  Replies (5) Good night (938) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.

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  (704): It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals. http://tfl.nu/tnox
  Replies (4) Good night (1762) Bad night (405)
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  (925): View more from California

  Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.

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  (925): Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis. http://tfl.nu/pfu8
  Replies (13) Good night (1063) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.

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  (313): It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike. http://tfl.nu/mqaw
  Replies (4) Good night (376) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
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  (108): View more from

  Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly

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  (108): Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly http://tfl.nu/wtl4
  Replies (6) Good night (2218) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about

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  (505): Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about http://tfl.nu/ldbx
  Replies (4) Good night (959) Bad night (370) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

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  (541): Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body. http://tfl.nu/3ysy
  Replies (7) Good night (1682) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.

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  (301): I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now. http://tfl.nu/ln6x
  Replies (8) Good night (1975) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god

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  (845): you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god http://tfl.nu/778n
  Replies (10) Good night (2377) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?

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  (843): Who's nuvaring is under my pillow? http://tfl.nu/bq0m
  Replies (7) Good night (408) Bad night (2396) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

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  (573): Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something http://tfl.nu/61ie
  Replies (7) Good night (445) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas

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  (734): I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas http://tfl.nu/ktjl
  Replies (8) Good night (1237) Bad night (400)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Your penis chewing exercise is not working

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  (813): Your penis chewing exercise is not working http://tfl.nu/tw98
  Replies (6) Good night (270) Bad night (1346) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

  (256): View more from Alabama

  he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

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  (256): hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by (256): he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch http://tfl.nu/0lqj
  Replies (12) Good night (1650) Bad night (351)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?

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  (919): Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas? http://tfl.nu/7kpc
  Replies (6) Good night (1625) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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  (386): he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it http://tfl.nu/bfv6
  Replies (15) Good night (1545) Bad night (969) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.

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  (801): I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens. http://tfl.nu/q3si
  Replies (8) Good night (1781) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.

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  (567): For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts. http://tfl.nu/swyw
  Replies (10) Good night (1674) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.

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  (410): he ate me out like he was chugging a beer. http://tfl.nu/i72l
  Replies (13) Good night (498) Bad night (2515) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  ...oh my god that's like anal suicide

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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  (260): ...oh my god that's like anal suicide (1-260): I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak. http://tfl.nu/xgzk
  Replies (9) Good night (431) Bad night (1483) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex

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  (949): And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex http://tfl.nu/q2uq
  Replies (7) Good night (2475) Bad night (377) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.

  (914): View more from New York

  I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.

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  (914): If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded. (914): I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit. http://tfl.nu/hj4l
  Replies (13) Good night (1609) Bad night (560)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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  (843): I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that http://tfl.nu/xola
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night

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  (253): Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night http://tfl.nu/3m0v
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.

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  (608): Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship. http://tfl.nu/pyi6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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  (253): At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets. http://tfl.nu/s5np
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.

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  (216): I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested. http://tfl.nu/d2mk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.

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  (706): Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon. http://tfl.nu/nu6w
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  (512): View more from Texas

  studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing

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  (512): studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing http://tfl.nu/zch9
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.

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  (920): I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign. http://tfl.nu/97x1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm teaching my cat to play fetch

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Yep, it's a friday

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  (678): So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina (404): I'm teaching my cat to play fetch (678): Yep, it's a friday http://tfl.nu/op0w
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  (631): View more from New York

  ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight

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  (631): ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight http://tfl.nu/dytu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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  (256): I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train. http://tfl.nu/pxln
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

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  (916): I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay http://tfl.nu/vfh5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

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  (757): Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early? http://tfl.nu/0ctz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat

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  (917): I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat http://tfl.nu/jkqr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights

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  (203): Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights http://tfl.nu/qbnp
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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  (219): The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up. http://tfl.nu/gycw
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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  (802): So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going? http://tfl.nu/1d2j
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.

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  (717): Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit. http://tfl.nu/5mnb
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  (817): View more from Texas

  No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.

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  (817): No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds. http://tfl.nu/9tr4
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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  (224): I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania http://tfl.nu/5wck
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  (850): View more from Florida

  your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.

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  (850): your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing. http://tfl.nu/7ema
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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  (587): Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?! http://tfl.nu/tyzg
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.

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  (620): And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life. http://tfl.nu/jjq6
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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  (205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes. http://tfl.nu/ntyj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Who are you high with right now?

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  (513): chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it. (513): Who are you high with right now? http://tfl.nu/0n4i
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  (941): View more from Florida

  You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.

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  (941): You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard. http://tfl.nu/vxrl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

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  (215): I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!" http://tfl.nu/0rpe
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  you seemed to enjoy falling down hill

  (540): View more from Virginia

  wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint

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  (703): you seemed to enjoy falling down hill (540): wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint http://tfl.nu/kb4o
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow

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  (802): He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow http://tfl.nu/7xi8
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

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  (906): I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u? http://tfl.nu/ided
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!

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  (541): I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed! http://tfl.nu/rzlj
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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  (609): She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew. http://tfl.nu/vnvf
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

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  (785): She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/2hle
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.

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  (561): I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition. http://tfl.nu/6rth
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.

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  (402): He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it. http://tfl.nu/81z6
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.

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  (580): Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service. http://tfl.nu/46gk
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  (631): View more from New York

  I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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  (631): I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse http://tfl.nu/4qxw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..

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  (519): I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow.. http://tfl.nu/bd79
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  (360): View more from Washington

  she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love

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  (360): she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love http://tfl.nu/d5q9
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