Texts From Last Night

x7426170x's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable http://tfl.nu/uhd1
  Replies (8) Good night (1690) Bad night (508)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
  Replies (16) Good night (3684) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
  Replies (14) Good night (2269) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"... http://tfl.nu/l31e
  Replies (7) Good night (1301) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/leum
  Replies (8) Good night (1353) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
  Replies (51) Good night (15119) Bad night (3706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job? http://tfl.nu/b7v3
  Replies (17) Good night (1011) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  just fucking run.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape? (301): just fucking run. http://tfl.nu/0wzu
  Replies (5) Good night (2817) Bad night (413)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (3819) Bad night (680)
• Favorite

  (565): View more from

  He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (565): He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever! http://tfl.nu/cg62
  Replies (16) Good night (2533) Bad night (630) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion. http://tfl.nu/luwj
  Replies (9) Good night (2488) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder. http://tfl.nu/bkbj
  Replies (11) Good night (2047) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

  (512): View more from Texas

  That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur. (512): That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot? http://tfl.nu/yofn
  Replies (10) Good night (2674) Bad night (501)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  details please.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life. (1-317): details please. (317): they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first." http://tfl.nu/d384
  Replies (61) Good night (5166) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!" http://tfl.nu/13ym
  Replies (6) Good night (865) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what? http://tfl.nu/cv8q
  Replies (51) Good night (1049) Bad night (4931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  I'm out of town so we should be golden.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me. (1-419): I'm out of town so we should be golden. http://tfl.nu/4amm
  Replies (5) Good night (2007) Bad night (309)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago. http://tfl.nu/udi4
  Replies (4) Good night (457) Bad night (1160)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician. http://tfl.nu/nnrt
  Replies (7) Good night (1842) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg. http://tfl.nu/31ua
  Replies (2) Good night (1220) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (6200) Bad night (551)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself. http://tfl.nu/4nxp
  Replies (10) Good night (1937) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults. http://tfl.nu/yz23
  Replies (4) Good night (2044) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (432): View more from Texas

  3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

  (1-432): View more from Texas

  Erry day erry day!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (432): 3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life. (1-432): Erry day erry day! http://tfl.nu/wghw
  Replies (22) Good night (1997) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0
  Replies (28) Good night (2813) Bad night (911)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene. http://tfl.nu/3l38
  Replies (8) Good night (4019) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC. http://tfl.nu/vvcv
  Replies (89) Good night (2923) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no http://tfl.nu/o8fg
  Replies (3) Good night (2203) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes. http://tfl.nu/frv8
  Replies (2) Good night (1093) Bad night (316) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone. http://tfl.nu/y1zp
  Replies (15) Good night (1394) Bad night (777)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck? http://tfl.nu/szfq
  Replies (8) Good night (1643) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die. http://tfl.nu/gg2b
  Replies (15) Good night (457) Bad night (1754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up! http://tfl.nu/jjmt
  Replies (14) Good night (6231) Bad night (614)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch http://tfl.nu/iuw1
  Replies (20) Good night (2928) Bad night (758) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
  Replies (21) Good night (6781) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/2nbx
  Replies (12) Good night (697) Bad night (2435) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post http://tfl.nu/8lgm
  Replies (17) Good night (2392) Bad night (667)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit? http://tfl.nu/zvq6
  Replies (9) Good night (2500) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision http://tfl.nu/1pgb
  Replies (21) Good night (4548) Bad night (516)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan http://tfl.nu/3du7
  Replies (3) Good night (2256) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon? (1-732): shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work http://tfl.nu/tkf9
  Replies (18) Good night (6244) Bad night (878)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning. http://tfl.nu/4pom
  Replies (17) Good night (2573) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension http://tfl.nu/j5kg
  Replies (12) Good night (1527) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!" http://tfl.nu/dw66
  Replies (15) Good night (3278) Bad night (804)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86430) Bad night (7094)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
  Replies (20) Good night (5301) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
  Replies (41) Good night (7975) Bad night (1033) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  could be more

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  absolutely not

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not http://tfl.nu/n6ii
  Replies (19) Good night (747) Bad night (1582)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day. http://tfl.nu/olid
  Replies (23) Good night (4609) Bad night (686) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference. http://tfl.nu/9fcx
  Replies (7) Good night (2191) Bad night (1087)
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
  Replies (13) Good night (4390) Bad night (688)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg. http://tfl.nu/2hwi
  Replies (11) Good night (2359) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night. http://tfl.nu/jhax
  Replies (4) Good night (645) Bad night (1528)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now. (1-206): Auto correct or actual 3rd graders? http://tfl.nu/qie2
  Replies (7) Good night (1617) Bad night (910) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level http://tfl.nu/da15
  Replies (2) Good night (1667) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
  Replies (7) Good night (3045) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast... http://tfl.nu/hk8s
  Replies (6) Good night (1386) Bad night (1417) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship (617): Wait http://tfl.nu/k9zo
  Replies (5) Good night (2364) Bad night (788)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time. http://tfl.nu/je0g
  Replies (14) Good night (2381) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches. http://tfl.nu/n5i2
  Replies (17) Good night (4668) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night. http://tfl.nu/wvak
  Replies (9) Good night (4140) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits... http://tfl.nu/sn6g
  Replies (6) Good night (1726) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson. http://tfl.nu/a7nh
  Replies (7) Good night (2204) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
  Replies (34) Good night (6788) Bad night (1722)
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level. http://tfl.nu/1en2
  Replies (12) Good night (3372) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  3.50 mugs at the bar.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.

  (512): View more from Texas

  How ugly, and does she have friends?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): 3.50 mugs at the bar. (1-512): Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice. (512): How ugly, and does she have friends? http://tfl.nu/peow
  Replies (40) Good night (557) Bad night (989)
• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please. http://tfl.nu/vb3l
  Replies (9) Good night (4338) Bad night (869)
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now. http://tfl.nu/pagz
  Replies (7) Good night (3930) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vh8b
  Replies (7) Good night (921) Bad night (3564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people. (1-615): Anal. http://tfl.nu/eagl
  Replies (23) Good night (3297) Bad night (762) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster. http://tfl.nu/zgi0
  Replies (29) Good night (2136) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick http://tfl.nu/qnn8
  Replies (21) Good night (1310) Bad night (1918) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
  Replies (18) Good night (909) Bad night (1513)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38525) Bad night (1464)
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success. http://tfl.nu/y8ni
  Replies (15) Good night (5069) Bad night (545)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
  Replies (51) Good night (2121) Bad night (13589)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism http://tfl.nu/00o3
  Replies (4) Good night (2738) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

  (1-731): View more from Tennessee

  ohh what kind?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street. (1-731): ohh what kind? http://tfl.nu/u9xt
  Replies (18) Good night (1174) Bad night (2403) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  ru fi oooo

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang (1-617): ru fi oooo http://tfl.nu/syl6
  Replies (71) Good night (5053) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Haha how do you remember that?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  HOW COULD I FORGET?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later. (1-717): Haha how do you remember that? (717): HOW COULD I FORGET?! http://tfl.nu/ylr0
  Replies (39) Good night (5374) Bad night (684)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him http://tfl.nu/b7ho
  Replies (113) Good night (7741) Bad night (1102)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love http://tfl.nu/hgdf
  Replies (86) Good night (7265) Bad night (1623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66700) Bad night (2994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  All of them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi
  Replies (42) Good night (9690) Bad night (578) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
  Replies (10) Good night (6655) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
  Replies (74) Good night (17944) Bad night (792)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister? http://tfl.nu/on91
  Replies (50) Good night (3233) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
  Replies (16) Good night (6123) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (605): We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor. http://tfl.nu/zlq5
  Replies (3) Good night (2381) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now. http://tfl.nu/wa2b
  Replies (32) Good night (9043) Bad night (1361) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes. http://tfl.nu/bjrk
  Replies (48) Good night (9145) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at http://tfl.nu/8c2c
  Replies (4) Good night (671) Bad night (1108) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone http://tfl.nu/qe9x
  Replies (13) Good night (3054) Bad night (1228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL. http://tfl.nu/l6ak
  Replies (1) Good night (782) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  No period for spring break; use this wisely.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): No period for spring break; use this wisely. http://tfl.nu/lbmo
  Replies (21) Good night (5281) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones http://tfl.nu/stex
  Replies (54) Good night (3615) Bad night (1436) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27825) Bad night (1798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
  Replies (111) Good night (29269) Bad night (1058) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
  Replies (180) Good night (36457) Bad night (4989)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38401) Bad night (3070)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
  Replies (348) Good night (43781) Bad night (4559) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
  Replies (116) Good night (46407) Bad night (2024) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51675) Bad night (5687)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168221) Bad night (42146) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (172994) Bad night (6893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  didn't stop?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  naw, they were rude, not me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family. (1-773): didn't stop? (773): naw, they were rude, not me. http://tfl.nu/wggq
  Replies (32) Good night (11515) Bad night (695)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56821) Bad night (4686)
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
  Replies (32) Good night (13398) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  RUDE.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  outsmarted mickey deeeees

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions. (1-248): RUDE. (248): I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o. (1-248): outsmarted mickey deeeees http://tfl.nu/mqmo
  Replies (11) Good night (2694) Bad night (510)
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions http://tfl.nu/cic0
  Replies (100) Good night (7080) Bad night (1047)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
  Replies (60) Good night (18539) Bad night (1686)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  so you're single again?

  (334): View more from Alabama

  yea but it was worth it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face (1-334): so you're single again? (334): yea but it was worth it http://tfl.nu/2tzr
  Replies (46) Good night (4862) Bad night (919)
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl? (780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus? (587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass. http://tfl.nu/i4m5
  Replies (68) Good night (2171) Bad night (4367)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
  Replies (43) Good night (7893) Bad night (2356) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38055) Bad night (1811)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it. http://tfl.nu/w24u
  Replies (18) Good night (1425) Bad night (6573) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY. http://tfl.nu/zzc9
  Replies (6) Good night (2945) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents? (1-617): Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend http://tfl.nu/hheb
  Replies (28) Good night (3640) Bad night (1096) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
  Replies (62) Good night (6021) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits. http://tfl.nu/7qz9
  Replies (24) Good night (3997) Bad night (646) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas. http://tfl.nu/ea9i
  Replies (39) Good night (2845) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal http://tfl.nu/rcec
  Replies (25) Good night (4798) Bad night (1805) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her http://tfl.nu/hb22
  Replies (74) Good night (8794) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat? http://tfl.nu/beg4
  Replies (64) Good night (10871) Bad night (1755) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
  Replies (11) Good night (6891) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51674) Bad night (2730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully. http://tfl.nu/qn1h
  Replies (119) Good night (12199) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
  Replies (44) Good night (14904) Bad night (1262)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
  Replies (33) Good night (15222) Bad night (689)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??! http://tfl.nu/ltdu
  Replies (55) Good night (8547) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again http://tfl.nu/g38z
  Replies (21) Good night (5608) Bad night (1145) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62243) Bad night (4264)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
  Replies (35) Good night (7345) Bad night (871)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia http://tfl.nu/7fa5
  Replies (17) Good night (1979) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
  Replies (60) Good night (12174) Bad night (737)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance. http://tfl.nu/rnd5
  Replies (37) Good night (7543) Bad night (1333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (571): i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me. http://tfl.nu/qg7x
  Replies (58) Good night (5378) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here. http://tfl.nu/eefr
  Replies (30) Good night (7974) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation. http://tfl.nu/k6x3
  Replies (35) Good night (6079) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe
  Replies (53) Good night (10831) Bad night (1192)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance http://tfl.nu/wkwu
  Replies (52) Good night (1909) Bad night (6745) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
  Replies (116) Good night (6309) Bad night (11937)