Texts From Last Night

Xatu's Favorites Texts:

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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
  Replies (13) Good night (3495) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

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  (610): How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you. http://tfl.nu/fpwy
  Replies (8) Good night (2267) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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  (508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up. http://tfl.nu/f7oz
  Replies (4) Good night (1856) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
  Replies (9) Good night (3562) Bad night (862)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4704) Bad night (560)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2702) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.

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  (518): Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg. http://tfl.nu/k1xd
  Replies (10) Good night (1490) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
  Replies (15) Good night (1766) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Things like this can't be explained over text man

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  (678): Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning? (404): Things like this can't be explained over text man http://tfl.nu/zzxh
  Replies (22) Good night (4247) Bad night (1006)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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  (409): Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo http://tfl.nu/65rk
  Replies (15) Good night (2353) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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  (647): Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference. http://tfl.nu/9fcx
  Replies (7) Good night (2193) Bad night (1090)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.

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  (403): Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one. http://tfl.nu/ek2z
  Replies (15) Good night (2898) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
  Replies (22) Good night (5909) Bad night (734)
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  (340): View more from US Virgin Islands

  I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..

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  (340): I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting.. http://tfl.nu/wypp
  Replies (4) Good night (1947) Bad night (563) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

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  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
  Replies (51) Good night (9285) Bad night (858)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.

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  (902): I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush. http://tfl.nu/kzf1
  Replies (5) Good night (2141) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
  Replies (9) Good night (5352) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Wait

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  (617): I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship (617): Wait http://tfl.nu/k9zo
  Replies (5) Good night (2368) Bad night (790)
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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  (+64): Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking. http://tfl.nu/52no
  Replies (6) Good night (1819) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
  Replies (21) Good night (6768) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy

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  (831): There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy http://tfl.nu/iwg7
  Replies (6) Good night (2191) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

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  (330): She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time. http://tfl.nu/qns1
  Replies (4) Good night (2727) Bad night (484) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Come over. Drunk tacos.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  That isn't even a sentence.

  (214): View more from Texas

  I kept the important parts.

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  (214): Come over. Drunk tacos. (1-214): That isn't even a sentence. (214): I kept the important parts. http://tfl.nu/2pq0
  Replies (8) Good night (4599) Bad night (665)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though

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  (406): I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though http://tfl.nu/qgj2
  Replies (1) Good night (1520) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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  (732): Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after. http://tfl.nu/ay86
  Replies (17) Good night (4485) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
  Replies (15) Good night (6912) Bad night (1294)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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  (423): no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet. http://tfl.nu/ph90
  Replies (10) Good night (2644) Bad night (1018) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.

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  (267): WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS. http://tfl.nu/9tp1
  Replies (10) Good night (2714) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

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  (617): Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night. http://tfl.nu/xmy8
  Replies (4) Good night (2039) Bad night (801) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.

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  (949): You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic. http://tfl.nu/5o2h
  Replies (8) Good night (2357) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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  (928): I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas! http://tfl.nu/f207
  Replies (9) Good night (3260) Bad night (712)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
  Replies (28) Good night (7980) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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  (803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv
  Replies (9) Good night (7609) Bad night (824) Order T-Shirt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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  (+61): woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME http://tfl.nu/6fbk
  Replies (15) Good night (6126) Bad night (791)
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  (530): View more from California

  I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.

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  (530): I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time. http://tfl.nu/t4yt
  Replies (16) Good night (2281) Bad night (822) Order T-Shirt
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  (351): View more from Massachusetts

  the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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  (351): the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me. http://tfl.nu/s3y3
  Replies (5) Good night (4217) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

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  (502): Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt. http://tfl.nu/f1ui
  Replies (10) Good night (3013) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

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  (702): Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim http://tfl.nu/n7dg
  Replies (11) Good night (3256) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

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  (260): apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much" http://tfl.nu/w7s7
  Replies (3) Good night (5184) Bad night (787) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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  (713): I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me. http://tfl.nu/0ubs
  Replies (10) Good night (3768) Bad night (886) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.

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  (404): I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home. http://tfl.nu/jfgz
  Replies (10) Good night (3275) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

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  (610): Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole. http://tfl.nu/uyw0
  Replies (11) Good night (3582) Bad night (722) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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  (570): Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes. http://tfl.nu/7z3e
  Replies (8) Good night (3013) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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  (757): i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too . http://tfl.nu/0v5g
  Replies (26) Good night (1471) Bad night (2842) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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  (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk
  Replies (20) Good night (2811) Bad night (4620) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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  (815): Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers? http://tfl.nu/gqlt
  Replies (9) Good night (2410) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
  Replies (21) Good night (6993) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

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  (303): Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life. http://tfl.nu/83b6
  Replies (8) Good night (2781) Bad night (1046) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

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  (256): So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen. http://tfl.nu/ty3k
  Replies (3) Good night (2383) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

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  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
  Replies (14) Good night (11441) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

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  (918): The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals. http://tfl.nu/o5rq
  Replies (4) Good night (2120) Bad night (1714) Order T-Shirt
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Oh Jesus.

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  (219): Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa (708): Oh Jesus. http://tfl.nu/7sg2
  Replies (9) Good night (2391) Bad night (790)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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  (214): The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become http://tfl.nu/8je0
  Replies (6) Good night (2765) Bad night (890) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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  (215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it http://tfl.nu/0kvz
  Replies (13) Good night (4242) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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  (561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84
  Replies (15) Good night (4701) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
  Replies (14) Good night (5046) Bad night (1152) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  meow

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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  (402): meow (1-402): WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD. http://tfl.nu/2v4y
  Replies (96) Good night (4825) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (43945) Bad night (1997)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (43623) Bad night (1465)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

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  (203): I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons http://tfl.nu/atte
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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  (678): I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back. http://tfl.nu/lb6m
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

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  (817): I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in http://tfl.nu/jhp8
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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  (773): I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit. http://tfl.nu/2ngx
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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  (403): Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend http://tfl.nu/6ul7
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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  (906): Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies http://tfl.nu/62p5
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  (348): View more from

  Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...

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  (348): Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment... http://tfl.nu/ldjn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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  (425): the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition http://tfl.nu/w42o
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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  (570): I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison. http://tfl.nu/ax4a
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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  (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus? http://tfl.nu/o777
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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  (270): I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles. http://tfl.nu/5ga0
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That's yours. We cut you off.

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  (715): Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off? (651): That's yours. We cut you off. http://tfl.nu/7df9
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

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  (989): I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made. http://tfl.nu/gowl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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  (303): I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM. http://tfl.nu/5j68
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  (432): View more from Texas

  Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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  (432): Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat" http://tfl.nu/ofhr
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Sucks about the cops last night

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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  (609): Sucks about the cops last night (848): to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party.. http://tfl.nu/rv14
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

  (518): View more from New York

  I am in love with you.

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  (203): Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think. (518): I am in love with you. http://tfl.nu/yy5e
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

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  (708): sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful http://tfl.nu/0wk6
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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  (919): Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick. http://tfl.nu/djhd
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what?how do you know?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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  (318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h
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  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  2.5

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  (740): How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement? (1-740): 2.5 http://tfl.nu/yjjp
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  (818): View more from California

  They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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  (818): They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps... http://tfl.nu/7lmv
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  (415): View more from California

  apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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  (415): apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window http://tfl.nu/1uz3
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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  (517): found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping. http://tfl.nu/l6f0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (626): View more from California

  i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen

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  (626): i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen http://tfl.nu/216j
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  (510): View more from California

  Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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  (510): Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight. http://tfl.nu/a7yq
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  "people in the room" being me.

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  (336): the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine. (336): "people in the room" being me. http://tfl.nu/hpsj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
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  (707): View more from California

  He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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  (707): He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/vg98
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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  (201): I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american http://tfl.nu/02ni
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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  (757): No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire http://tfl.nu/j9c5
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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  (816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/7j97
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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  (515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
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  (510): View more from California

  I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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  (510): I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders. http://tfl.nu/3tbi
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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  (905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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  (403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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  (603): could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt? (1-603): you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call? http://tfl.nu/6h21
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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  (501): Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain. http://tfl.nu/y5sc
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (408): View more from California

  hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

  (650): View more from California

  nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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  (408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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  (703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3
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