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cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
In the future we'll all be gay
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
are you still at the devil's house?
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
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