Texts From Last Night

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  (214): View more from Texas

  I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.

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  (214): I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted. http://tfl.nu/jl70
  Replies (6) Good night (1253) Bad night (283)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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  (740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to. http://tfl.nu/nnoc
  Replies (20) Good night (3437) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up

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  (215): When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up http://tfl.nu/2k98
  Replies (8) Good night (358) Bad night (1870) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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  (307): Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick. http://tfl.nu/ynec
  Replies (14) Good night (2037) Bad night (334) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.

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  (509): Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner. http://tfl.nu/7ypr
  Replies (6) Good night (607) Bad night (1217) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.

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  (417): She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night. http://tfl.nu/v9wx
  Replies (0) Good night (998) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.

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  (803): Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation. http://tfl.nu/hr81
  Replies (2) Good night (1359) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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  (415): I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station http://tfl.nu/tet7
  Replies (15) Good night (3597) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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  (352): The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again" http://tfl.nu/25pr
  Replies (6) Good night (3511) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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  (480): In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.." http://tfl.nu/m3fa
  Replies (6) Good night (2699) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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  (631): Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole http://tfl.nu/78ec
  Replies (7) Good night (2699) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5904) Bad night (566)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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  (505): Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard. http://tfl.nu/5mz2
  Replies (17) Good night (3138) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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  (910): He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening. http://tfl.nu/sddk
  Replies (5) Good night (1166) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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  (610): he was once again the drunkest girl at the party http://tfl.nu/18ag
  Replies (4) Good night (1950) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

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  (909): and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests".... http://tfl.nu/4e7u
  Replies (5) Good night (3402) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6937) Bad night (773)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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  (647): Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone http://tfl.nu/g67v
  Replies (8) Good night (2371) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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  (250): well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves. http://tfl.nu/btjv
  Replies (13) Good night (1224) Bad night (1899)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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  (207): remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are? http://tfl.nu/u6le
  Replies (6) Good night (2238) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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  (484): during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me' http://tfl.nu/06rz
  Replies (7) Good night (5960) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

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  (802): Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties. http://tfl.nu/nqyr
  Replies (9) Good night (2752) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

  (1-510): View more from California

  Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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  (510): I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard (1-510): Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening. http://tfl.nu/lvw9
  Replies (5) Good night (2287) Bad night (620)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.

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  (780): I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it. http://tfl.nu/t2hy
  Replies (12) Good night (1776) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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  (208): Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos. http://tfl.nu/080u
  Replies (7) Good night (2471) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
  Replies (9) Good night (5348) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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  (508): I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles http://tfl.nu/zr9b
  Replies (18) Good night (3296) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

  (773): View more from Illinois

  yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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  (708): is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro (773): yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house. (708): how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience? http://tfl.nu/hgr9
  Replies (10) Good night (5115) Bad night (617)
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm trying to make a sex playlist

  (916): View more from California

  record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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  (510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist (916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. http://tfl.nu/f4y5
  Replies (12) Good night (3124) Bad night (1099)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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  (816): You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do. http://tfl.nu/w9t3
  Replies (5) Good night (1931) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15797) Bad night (823)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Parents weekend was a success.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.

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  (804): Parents weekend was a success. (973): Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success... (804): Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend. http://tfl.nu/9gkg
  Replies (4) Good night (1588) Bad night (540)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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  (210): Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors. http://tfl.nu/4w9v
  Replies (20) Good night (3517) Bad night (1794) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

  (1+44): View more from

  That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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  (+44): You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl... (1+44): That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh http://tfl.nu/agy9
  Replies (22) Good night (4179) Bad night (999)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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  (701): Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice! http://tfl.nu/fa1l
  Replies (7) Good night (3065) Bad night (483)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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  (610): Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates. http://tfl.nu/faj1
  Replies (5) Good night (2406) Bad night (544)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6254) Bad night (647)
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Sounds like a really classy character....

  (478): View more from Georgia

  He is classy. It was argyle.

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  (478): So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis (410): Sounds like a really classy character.... (478): He is classy. It was argyle. http://tfl.nu/j1fr
  Replies (18) Good night (6429) Bad night (527)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
  Replies (43) Good night (7893) Bad night (2356) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
  Replies (51) Good night (17882) Bad night (1084)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

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  (604): Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero... http://tfl.nu/xsvf
  Replies (17) Good night (6150) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  So can I buy you a drink sometime?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

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  (918): So can I buy you a drink sometime? (206): Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days. http://tfl.nu/hks4
  Replies (28) Good night (1100) Bad night (7579)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Your an asshole

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

  (954): View more from Florida

  My point exactly

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  (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi
  Replies (47) Good night (3362) Bad night (601)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.

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  (847): I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning. http://tfl.nu/5xxn
  Replies (20) Good night (3509) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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  (413): you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure http://tfl.nu/kagu
  Replies (6) Good night (3237) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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  (310): I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one http://tfl.nu/kvjq
  Replies (12) Good night (798) Bad night (1737) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  please bring me a paper towel asap.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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  (540): please bring me a paper towel asap. (540): I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do. http://tfl.nu/d1je
  Replies (10) Good night (3545) Bad night (531)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.

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  (845): Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent. http://tfl.nu/xb5q
  Replies (5) Good night (2061) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
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  (+84): View more from

  he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.

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  (+84): he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man. http://tfl.nu/6dx4
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Touche.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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  (770): If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door? (910): That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating? (770): Touche. (910): I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR. http://tfl.nu/rwye
  Replies (6) Good night (3778) Bad night (675)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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  (715): Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out. http://tfl.nu/yvz7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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  (336): i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow. http://tfl.nu/uyrp
  Replies (17) Good night (2466) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  She fuckin peed on me

  (817): View more from Texas

  Stay golden ponyboy

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  (757): She fuckin peed on me (817): Stay golden ponyboy http://tfl.nu/vooq
  Replies (16) Good night (4655) Bad night (965)
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  (556): View more from

  Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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  (556): Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard http://tfl.nu/2l07
  Replies (10) Good night (1972) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  this better not be you asking for a beej

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  (303): She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner. (719): this better not be you asking for a beej http://tfl.nu/u03l
  Replies (14) Good night (1210) Bad night (2200)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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  (907): Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/278e
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday

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  (512): you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday http://tfl.nu/6yij
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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  (715): Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once. http://tfl.nu/y3bm
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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  (615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route

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  (519): Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route http://tfl.nu/dfjg
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  (518): View more from New York

  Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

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  (518): Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped? http://tfl.nu/52bj
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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  (305): Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright. http://tfl.nu/jxj8
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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  (940): Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers http://tfl.nu/bomc
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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  (701): Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten. http://tfl.nu/1asa
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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  (832): you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/gkpj
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?

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  (859): How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation? http://tfl.nu/5k7a
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.

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  (757): I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out. http://tfl.nu/cmh8
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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  (717): It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost. http://tfl.nu/w01g
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.

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  (614): she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again. http://tfl.nu/e05t
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

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  (330): I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child http://tfl.nu/htew
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.

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  (740): Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward. http://tfl.nu/xwna
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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  (214): Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up? http://tfl.nu/f130
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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  (417): When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion. http://tfl.nu/easp
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

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  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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  (417): I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/6bqy
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

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  (609): We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar. http://tfl.nu/d2sa
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

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  (850): He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day" http://tfl.nu/t1df
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

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  (561): you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic http://tfl.nu/jttf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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  (847): Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot. http://tfl.nu/nyh6
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

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  (770): The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com http://tfl.nu/sswj
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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  (218): The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME http://tfl.nu/4k9l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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  (303): We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is. http://tfl.nu/mbfy
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..

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  (781): i just added no after every hockey player in my phone.. http://tfl.nu/mdhx
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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  (719): You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/yqtc
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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  (608): it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face" http://tfl.nu/ke0l
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  (619): View more from California

  Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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  (619): Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell. http://tfl.nu/xu8z
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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  (303): "lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning" http://tfl.nu/szov
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed

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  (256): Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed http://tfl.nu/b65f
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy

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  (901): Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy http://tfl.nu/xs8r
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