Texts From Last Night

BirdDog's Favorites Texts:

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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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  (515): i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out. http://tfl.nu/7edz
  Replies (3) Good night (502) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.

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  (603): It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders. http://tfl.nu/0knl
  Replies (3) Good night (1023) Bad night (818) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Smooth sack

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  (864): I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf? (864): Smooth sack http://tfl.nu/a871
  Replies (12) Good night (1005) Bad night (415)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.

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  (417): I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted. http://tfl.nu/wdy8
  Replies (6) Good night (1411) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
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  (274): View more from Wisconsin

  Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place

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  (274): Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place http://tfl.nu/ignd
  Replies (9) Good night (1574) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?

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  (607): He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official? http://tfl.nu/vpzn
  Replies (6) Good night (1083) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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  (718): If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go http://tfl.nu/k79y
  Replies (9) Good night (1523) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation

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  (319): ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation http://tfl.nu/4iz3
  Replies (13) Good night (972) Bad night (887)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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  (615): When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/p92h
  Replies (17) Good night (2509) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.

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  (610): You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude. http://tfl.nu/8276
  Replies (6) Good night (1596) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.

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  (724): Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome. http://tfl.nu/u2pl
  Replies (5) Good night (1395) Bad night (439)
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  (310): View more from California

  I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.

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  (310): I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/ehsm
  Replies (3) Good night (1088) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

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  (715): It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection. http://tfl.nu/qz8n
  Replies (16) Good night (1662) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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  (641): FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS. http://tfl.nu/fecm
  Replies (5) Good night (1861) Bad night (896) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN

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  (715): just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN http://tfl.nu/9tva
  Replies (24) Good night (1949) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
  Replies (4) Good night (4185) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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  (678): Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask. http://tfl.nu/uqhe
  Replies (16) Good night (2566) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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  (503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol http://tfl.nu/9mqs
  Replies (10) Good night (1572) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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  (519): No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike. http://tfl.nu/0ndc
  Replies (15) Good night (627) Bad night (1572) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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  (516): I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears. http://tfl.nu/nh7v
  Replies (15) Good night (3588) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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  (717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error. (1-717): Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening. http://tfl.nu/753x
  Replies (8) Good night (2248) Bad night (452)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I swear they were about to hook up!!

  (1-240): View more from Maryland

  I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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  (240): I swear they were about to hook up!! (1-240): I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot. http://tfl.nu/yhvp
  Replies (5) Good night (1682) Bad night (454) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits

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  (860): Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits http://tfl.nu/8x16
  Replies (8) Good night (936) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
  Replies (26) Good night (3753) Bad night (633)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift

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  (406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift http://tfl.nu/uiqc
  Replies (3) Good night (739) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  fair point

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  (630): oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us (1-630): fair point http://tfl.nu/efw3
  Replies (8) Good night (1636) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.

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  (719): Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too. http://tfl.nu/z0t0
  Replies (14) Good night (2039) Bad night (683)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.

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  (540): I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time. http://tfl.nu/t7e6
  Replies (11) Good night (579) Bad night (1002) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.

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  (949): Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/wgn7
  Replies (10) Good night (1303) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina

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  (865): it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina http://tfl.nu/yy9c
  Replies (16) Good night (2147) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.

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  (781): I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever. http://tfl.nu/tgjb
  Replies (5) Good night (1128) Bad night (477) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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  (902): Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask? (902): It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet... http://tfl.nu/mgzk
  Replies (19) Good night (2020) Bad night (406)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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  (419): They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that. http://tfl.nu/gjrr
  Replies (11) Good night (4668) Bad night (551)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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  (703): There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened. http://tfl.nu/llik
  Replies (19) Good night (1390) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.

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  (509): also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight. http://tfl.nu/qnxk
  Replies (10) Good night (853) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized

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  (217): Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized http://tfl.nu/ymju
  Replies (7) Good night (1793) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night

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  (719): Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night http://tfl.nu/la5y
  Replies (6) Good night (1305) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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  (541): bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me? http://tfl.nu/wm16
  Replies (27) Good night (569) Bad night (2928) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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  (806): You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard. http://tfl.nu/t4z0
  Replies (6) Good night (2290) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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  (425): One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake. http://tfl.nu/mhbs
  Replies (14) Good night (1058) Bad night (1646) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.

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  (781): I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone. http://tfl.nu/b6do
  Replies (6) Good night (755) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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  (601): Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog. http://tfl.nu/t7wp
  Replies (7) Good night (2226) Bad night (491)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
  Replies (30) Good night (6802) Bad night (631) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.

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  (256): So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome. http://tfl.nu/71bx
  Replies (16) Good night (779) Bad night (2122)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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  (815): Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people http://tfl.nu/73fe
  Replies (8) Good night (1380) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that

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  (425): He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that http://tfl.nu/3z2y
  Replies (14) Good night (594) Bad night (1969) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.

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  (425): I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking. http://tfl.nu/k8z0
  Replies (4) Good night (1896) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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  (360): sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name. http://tfl.nu/z35x
  Replies (12) Good night (2637) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this

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  (508): Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this http://tfl.nu/b1b0
  Replies (10) Good night (2238) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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  (785): Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid. http://tfl.nu/egf9
  Replies (7) Good night (2005) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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  (905): Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today. http://tfl.nu/u9so
  Replies (37) Good night (1098) Bad night (2752) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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  (916): It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie. http://tfl.nu/mir1
  Replies (12) Good night (1638) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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  (519): I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning (519): Omg I think I'm in the wrong class http://tfl.nu/znqx
  Replies (11) Good night (3724) Bad night (517)
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  (04): View more from

  This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

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  (04): This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street. http://tfl.nu/uumo
  Replies (5) Good night (1741) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper

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  (303): he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper http://tfl.nu/eza0
  Replies (13) Good night (455) Bad night (1931) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
  Replies (22) Good night (5084) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

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  (727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now? http://tfl.nu/ch6a
  Replies (10) Good night (619) Bad night (1352) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
  Replies (14) Good night (1881) Bad night (548) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.

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  (407): I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by. http://tfl.nu/944n
  Replies (10) Good night (460) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.

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  (780): Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis. http://tfl.nu/lqrq
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  (949): View more from California

  how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

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  (949): how did we start talking about space blow jobs? http://tfl.nu/0fha
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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  (518): It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun. http://tfl.nu/n6c2
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.

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  (651): You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work. http://tfl.nu/ixce
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  (214): View more from Texas

  How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

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  (214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink? http://tfl.nu/kd28
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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  (904): Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already? http://tfl.nu/3n3w
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.

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  (731): You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely. http://tfl.nu/nb0c
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"

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  (252): she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN" http://tfl.nu/vt0o
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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  (623): It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too. http://tfl.nu/xu8j
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.

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  (604): I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag. http://tfl.nu/nwen
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  and you said he wasn't worth calling.

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  (515): he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer. (1-515): and you said he wasn't worth calling. http://tfl.nu/rvi9
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  ....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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  (405): New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot. (580): ....this is what your political science major is getting you? http://tfl.nu/c72s
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  (951): View more from California

  Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

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  (951): Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails. http://tfl.nu/29ec
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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  (712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  we should probably just go check in at the police station right now

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  (814): we should probably just go check in at the police station right now http://tfl.nu/dhxr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers

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  (919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers http://tfl.nu/9d3q
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You used the best tools you had at your disposal.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Slutty, slutty tools.

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  (507): You used the best tools you had at your disposal. (651): Slutty, slutty tools. http://tfl.nu/m6kb
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

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  (314): I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge. http://tfl.nu/tow2
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks

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  (918): All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks http://tfl.nu/j9e3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS

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  (203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS http://tfl.nu/964x
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  (925): View more from California

  We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car

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  (925): We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car http://tfl.nu/ofum
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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  (850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life http://tfl.nu/ihqi
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...

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  (913): Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen... http://tfl.nu/fq09
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling

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  (202): he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling http://tfl.nu/aha0
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.

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  (920): I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up. http://tfl.nu/mqfc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day

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  (850): I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day http://tfl.nu/lnlc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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  (973): I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication. http://tfl.nu/0f45
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.

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  (970): I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly. http://tfl.nu/vykw
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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  (814): Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone. http://tfl.nu/n7df
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.

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  (606): Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore. http://tfl.nu/afe8
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  (406): View more from Montana

  They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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  (406): They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl http://tfl.nu/mt8s
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Penises. Everywhere.

  (772): View more from Florida

  You're. Welcome.

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  (813): Penises. Everywhere. (772): You're. Welcome. http://tfl.nu/k2kj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

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  (503): You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want. http://tfl.nu/gyya
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.

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  (270): Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband. http://tfl.nu/lfj6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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  (703): The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night. (703): The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie. http://tfl.nu/hgcg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.

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  (617): No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack. http://tfl.nu/ritq
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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  (401): I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again http://tfl.nu/o3kd
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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  (507): you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now http://tfl.nu/xehl
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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  (270): I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms. http://tfl.nu/29v1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.

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  (678): I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j7y2
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.

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  (309): Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience. http://tfl.nu/wh3c
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.

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  (928): I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with. http://tfl.nu/qynz
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.

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  (971): You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified. http://tfl.nu/imja
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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  (770): After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me" http://tfl.nu/acul
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  next time we drink: battle shots.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.

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  (403): next time we drink: battle shots. (1-403): battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out. http://tfl.nu/hwdw
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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  (419): That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself. http://tfl.nu/02m3
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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  (484): Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret" http://tfl.nu/9brs
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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  (732): I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas. http://tfl.nu/d95y
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Do what your heart wants. . .

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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  (901): Do what your heart wants. . . (504): My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis http://tfl.nu/o9fm
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.

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  (260): He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis. http://tfl.nu/w515
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  (518): View more from New York

  I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.

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  (518): I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here. http://tfl.nu/4g6f
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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  (317): I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me. http://tfl.nu/xee4
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.

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  (406): I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday. http://tfl.nu/juga
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.

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  (313): It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike. http://tfl.nu/mqaw
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