Texts From Last Night

midwaystate's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (501): I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho. http://tfl.nu/d92o
  Replies (16) Good night (1245) Bad night (456)
• Favorite

  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  How did she break his doorknob?

  (1+41): View more from

  That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+41): How did she break his doorknob? (1+41): That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought. http://tfl.nu/2qqq
  Replies (4) Good night (1639) Bad night (378)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend? http://tfl.nu/abvl
  Replies (28) Good night (8001) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
  Replies (14) Good night (11474) Bad night (1175) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine. http://tfl.nu/rrcc
  Replies (3) Good night (1737) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour http://tfl.nu/upbq
  Replies (11) Good night (2301) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis. http://tfl.nu/m2ek
  Replies (15) Good night (6042) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for. http://tfl.nu/6yyp
  Replies (12) Good night (588) Bad night (2041)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home http://tfl.nu/j953
  Replies (10) Good night (1892) Bad night (318) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
  Replies (13) Good night (4414) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it http://tfl.nu/8y6r
  Replies (10) Good night (2434) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
  Replies (10) Good night (1380) Bad night (3391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her. http://tfl.nu/jxh9
  Replies (5) Good night (1056) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'll probably be on drugs forewarning

  (503): View more from Oregon

  forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): i'll probably be on drugs forewarning (503): forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you http://tfl.nu/wpmw
  Replies (1) Good night (1137) Bad night (376)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK http://tfl.nu/pb5y
  Replies (20) Good night (749) Bad night (2161)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/7fz1
  Replies (9) Good night (5951) Bad night (761)
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time" http://tfl.nu/be6i
  Replies (11) Good night (4229) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick. http://tfl.nu/dk06
  Replies (6) Good night (1054) Bad night (460)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work" http://tfl.nu/byzn
  Replies (8) Good night (1520) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME. http://tfl.nu/mm0e
  Replies (11) Good night (435) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender. http://tfl.nu/assa
  Replies (4) Good night (859) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Want me to give your number to an army recruiter? (614): I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist? (330): I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us. http://tfl.nu/ti2n
  Replies (6) Good night (3299) Bad night (558)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off. http://tfl.nu/dyhi
  Replies (2) Good night (919) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride http://tfl.nu/xs6r
  Replies (9) Good night (3456) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you (860): I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this. http://tfl.nu/r7r6
  Replies (5) Good night (1261) Bad night (365)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora. http://tfl.nu/zv3b
  Replies (16) Good night (2635) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I remember it like it was tomorrow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love (1-860): I remember it like it was tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1n7o
  Replies (2) Good night (2056) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (857): Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works. http://tfl.nu/hgbu
  Replies (5) Good night (1832) Bad night (609)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up. http://tfl.nu/igo8
  Replies (6) Good night (2291) Bad night (424)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  he has the hands of the vagina gods.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): he has the hands of the vagina gods. http://tfl.nu/xhgv
  Replies (12) Good night (4444) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth. http://tfl.nu/cmgz
  Replies (7) Good night (1525) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order http://tfl.nu/9jwa
  Replies (12) Good night (5099) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/w4kd
  Replies (7) Good night (2487) Bad night (1088) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding. http://tfl.nu/inbb
  Replies (5) Good night (1785) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair... http://tfl.nu/zi5i
  Replies (16) Good night (655) Bad night (1439)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job. http://tfl.nu/iztl
  Replies (7) Good night (3949) Bad night (842) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/hho5
  Replies (12) Good night (2384) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie http://tfl.nu/qsvp
  Replies (6) Good night (1147) Bad night (378) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time. http://tfl.nu/fvgl
  Replies (13) Good night (6287) Bad night (886)
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
  Replies (20) Good night (8544) Bad night (1244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (709): I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her. http://tfl.nu/w26o
  Replies (10) Good night (1992) Bad night (931) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): she's five days sober.....are those consecutive???? (781): 5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal http://tfl.nu/ppjn
  Replies (1) Good night (1219) Bad night (477)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love? http://tfl.nu/7zb0
  Replies (19) Good night (4105) Bad night (466)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce http://tfl.nu/158e
  Replies (41) Good night (978) Bad night (2958)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/d15a
  Replies (15) Good night (2186) Bad night (736)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand... http://tfl.nu/1d8q
  Replies (10) Good night (708) Bad night (4797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress? http://tfl.nu/gpyt
  Replies (9) Good night (1586) Bad night (482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle. http://tfl.nu/y28u
  Replies (7) Good night (464) Bad night (1342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (931): He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man. http://tfl.nu/ct9i
  Replies (31) Good night (6823) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer (919): Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can http://tfl.nu/61hu
  Replies (4) Good night (1488) Bad night (881)
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP. http://tfl.nu/nipi
  Replies (11) Good night (3002) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
  Replies (14) Good night (5977) Bad night (1577) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears http://tfl.nu/wgjj
  Replies (15) Good night (682) Bad night (1427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today? http://tfl.nu/v6y2
  Replies (7) Good night (1472) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
  Replies (13) Good night (2754) Bad night (361)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex?? http://tfl.nu/i4wa
  Replies (17) Good night (628) Bad night (2172) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game. http://tfl.nu/xx77
  Replies (15) Good night (3062) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..." http://tfl.nu/o2g7
  Replies (8) Good night (700) Bad night (1171) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
  Replies (19) Good night (3491) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other. http://tfl.nu/zykp
  Replies (12) Good night (1012) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures http://tfl.nu/emrg
  Replies (2) Good night (1415) Bad night (323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there. http://tfl.nu/uram
  Replies (2) Good night (1494) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5919) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap. http://tfl.nu/nba1
  Replies (20) Good night (864) Bad night (7539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party. http://tfl.nu/3iq6
  Replies (16) Good night (2626) Bad night (3431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers, http://tfl.nu/ct0l
  Replies (2) Good night (391) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official http://tfl.nu/mdan
  Replies (15) Good night (4517) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment. http://tfl.nu/imr3
  Replies (43) Good night (1580) Bad night (5373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3712) Bad night (1711)
• Favorite

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (308): Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/mlvm
  Replies (8) Good night (1760) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video http://tfl.nu/4318
  Replies (10) Good night (2488) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen. http://tfl.nu/l4cq
  Replies (11) Good night (3274) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out http://tfl.nu/4j6r
  Replies (12) Good night (440) Bad night (949) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (16140) Bad night (1255)
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  we've started having sober sex

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you really do like him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd
  Replies (19) Good night (8604) Bad night (816)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt http://tfl.nu/hqwl
  Replies (12) Good night (3065) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8x8
  Replies (3) Good night (1275) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises. http://tfl.nu/xzxa
  Replies (8) Good night (3973) Bad night (1325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj. http://tfl.nu/3mtz
  Replies (13) Good night (4774) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was... http://tfl.nu/mlza
  Replies (82) Good night (8889) Bad night (2346) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
  Replies (12) Good night (5809) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully. http://tfl.nu/qn1h
  Replies (119) Good night (12216) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever. http://tfl.nu/fx8m
  Replies (21) Good night (4457) Bad night (1380) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous http://tfl.nu/ia7j
  Replies (28) Good night (8898) Bad night (943)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
  Replies (20) Good night (6262) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs http://tfl.nu/e5lz
  Replies (8) Good night (1900) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
  Replies (29) Good night (9562) Bad night (1239) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE. http://tfl.nu/pbaf
  Replies (68) Good night (2938) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable. http://tfl.nu/pwwk
  Replies (15) Good night (2200) Bad night (986) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (6231) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies? http://tfl.nu/c806
  Replies (6) Good night (3053) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  details please.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life. (1-317): details please. (317): they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first." http://tfl.nu/d384
  Replies (61) Good night (5173) Bad night (432)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me http://tfl.nu/9ayb
  Replies (41) Good night (5676) Bad night (1209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone. http://tfl.nu/u0bu
  Replies (4) Good night (1358) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him. http://tfl.nu/xg0w
  Replies (23) Good night (10521) Bad night (719)
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events http://tfl.nu/1mgv
  Replies (7) Good night (765) Bad night (1187) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything. http://tfl.nu/up9n
  Replies (56) Good night (773) Bad night (5118)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this? (1-204): ....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best http://tfl.nu/o3b5
  Replies (7) Good night (2144) Bad night (469)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order. (1-614): I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale! http://tfl.nu/h6yb
  Replies (50) Good night (5141) Bad night (723)