Texts From Last Night · amandakev's Favorites

amandakev's Favorites Texts:

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(416): View more from Ontario

I wanna be on tlc

(905): View more from Toronto

Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.

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(647): View more from Ontario

if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(647): View more from Ontario

So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(647): View more from Ontario

I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines

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(416): View more from Toronto

I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

(647): View more from Ontario

Was he satisfied?

(416): View more from Toronto

No, and very vocal about it.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

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(416): View more from Toronto

DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(416): View more from Toronto

I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

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(416): View more from Toronto

How did it go last night?

(647): View more from Ontario

Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?

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(416): View more from Toronto

You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.

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(705): View more from Ontario

We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?

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(705): View more from Ontario

Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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(705): View more from Ontario

He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.

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(805): View more from California

Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(347): View more from New York

I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Casually had to file a missing persons report last night

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(404): View more from Georgia

NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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(850): View more from Florida

It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis

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(226): View more from Ontario

wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love

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(509): View more from Washington

We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(614): View more from Ohio

I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.

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(314): View more from Missouri

she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.

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(713): View more from Texas

Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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(386): View more from Florida

At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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(407): View more from Florida

There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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amandakev's Favorites Texts:

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