Texts From Last Night

jmspartan's Favorites Texts:

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  (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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  (212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl
  Replies (36) Good night (1518) Bad night (627)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
  Replies (55) Good night (6785) Bad night (1380)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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  (913): The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them. http://tfl.nu/9puy
  Replies (22) Good night (7848) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

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  (330): Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/vs2k
  Replies (12) Good night (419) Bad night (2797) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.

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  (253): My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support. http://tfl.nu/g29g
  Replies (4) Good night (503) Bad night (2369)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
  Replies (29) Good night (6371) Bad night (2402)
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  (925): View more from California

  i just saw a foot job.

  (925): View more from California

  porn is incredible...

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  (925): i just saw a foot job. (925): porn is incredible... http://tfl.nu/di0c
  Replies (5) Good night (1240) Bad night (715)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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  (727): Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think? (1-727): I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again. http://tfl.nu/gesf
  Replies (32) Good night (2380) Bad night (4235)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  dude you need to get laid

  (906): View more from Michigan

  me?

  (616): View more from Michigan

  no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

  (906): View more from Michigan

  oh I thought you were talkin about me

  (906): View more from Michigan

  wait

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  (616): dude you need to get laid (906): me? (616): no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months (906): oh I thought you were talkin about me (906): wait http://tfl.nu/self
  Replies (10) Good night (686) Bad night (1593)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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  (317): ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions. http://tfl.nu/8qmh
  Replies (23) Good night (3348) Bad night (449)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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  (253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre
  Replies (30) Good night (10315) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I can be that talented

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  (805 ): Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters (303): I can be that talented http://tfl.nu/rub2
  Replies (35) Good night (5974) Bad night (301)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
  Replies (17) Good night (7555) Bad night (1606) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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  (310): ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude. http://tfl.nu/5a88
  Replies (174) Good night (5420) Bad night (77574) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you want me

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'd rather choke on a dick.

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  (773): you want me (978): i'd rather choke on a dick. http://tfl.nu/nrvz
  Replies (3) Good night (526) Bad night (1276)
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  (347): View more from New York

  I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

  (347): View more from New York

  I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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  (347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su
  Replies (41) Good night (10617) Bad night (1849)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  I don't want it.

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  (609): IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU (1-609): I don't want it. http://tfl.nu/jvul
  Replies (36) Good night (872) Bad night (7525) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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  (703): So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out. (1-703): You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend. http://tfl.nu/y4qo
  Replies (24) Good night (4930) Bad night (730)
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  (789): View more from

  If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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  (789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days. http://tfl.nu/hp74
  Replies (26) Good night (5391) Bad night (597)
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  (925): View more from California

  don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

  (510): View more from California

  big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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  (925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0
  Replies (11) Good night (6104) Bad night (764)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
  Replies (59) Good night (12447) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (151) Good night (62620) Bad night (2942)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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  (724): Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted. http://tfl.nu/tz2e
  Replies (40) Good night (15932) Bad night (1892) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
  Replies (29) Good night (10877) Bad night (2108) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.

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  (513): Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere. http://tfl.nu/ay2u
  Replies (11) Good night (4864) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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  (785): I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever. http://tfl.nu/2hpf
  Replies (37) Good night (12204) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
  Replies (63) Good night (7834) Bad night (378)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them

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  (412): I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them http://tfl.nu/s8n3
  Replies (30) Good night (5089) Bad night (1434) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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  (716): she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives. http://tfl.nu/3y3d
  Replies (9) Good night (1001) Bad night (4741) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
  Replies (16) Good night (9951) Bad night (1001)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Glad to see your being a lady about this

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  (336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd
  Replies (49) Good night (8898) Bad night (844) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
  Replies (22) Good night (1386) Bad night (9925) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
  Replies (40) Good night (2364) Bad night (8971) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

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  (817): I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck. http://tfl.nu/i3zz
  Replies (15) Good night (7484) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
  Replies (81) Good night (31262) Bad night (989)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
  Replies (27) Good night (12729) Bad night (1704)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
  Replies (70) Good night (4787) Bad night (9188) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
  Replies (34) Good night (4795) Bad night (1156) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.

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  (858): we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching. http://tfl.nu/2epj
  Replies (7) Good night (521) Bad night (1158) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
  Replies (20) Good night (3153) Bad night (420)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  splinters make it hard to masturbate

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  (713): splinters make it hard to masturbate http://tfl.nu/uhm3
  Replies (20) Good night (629) Bad night (6483) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
  Replies (75) Good night (20707) Bad night (997)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."

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  (780): I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked." http://tfl.nu/ikiz
  Replies (37) Good night (4559) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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  (660): We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend. http://tfl.nu/9y0s
  Replies (31) Good night (5771) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Want to have sex later?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  This feels like a trap

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  (419): Want to have sex later? (614): This feels like a trap http://tfl.nu/uak4
  Replies (27) Good night (3073) Bad night (611)
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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  (818): I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever. http://tfl.nu/1b0y
  Replies (57) Good night (941) Bad night (7055)
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  (914): View more from New York

  This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.

  (1-914): View more from New York

  maybe it's her son

  (914): View more from New York

  thats not any better.

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  (914): This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out. (1-914): maybe it's her son (914): thats not any better. http://tfl.nu/9ktq
  Replies (23) Good night (324) Bad night (2878)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.

  (214): View more from Texas

  kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.

  (903): View more from Texas

  I'll be there in 10

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  (903): I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem. (214): kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night. (903): I'll be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/kykh
  Replies (19) Good night (5540) Bad night (471)
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  (650): View more from California

  Get your hand out of your ass!

  (734): View more from Michigan

  how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

  (650): View more from California

  In your belly button

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  (650): Get your hand out of your ass! (734): how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..? (650): In your belly button http://tfl.nu/hvbh
  Replies (3) Good night (599) Bad night (937)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
  Replies (375) Good night (124148) Bad night (3432) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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  (631): just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high. http://tfl.nu/w9mm
  Replies (28) Good night (5875) Bad night (614) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
  Replies (62) Good night (7037) Bad night (448)
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  (916): View more from California

  He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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  (916): He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants http://tfl.nu/xfxv
  Replies (46) Good night (12706) Bad night (1770) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?

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  (816): you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint? (636): you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint? http://tfl.nu/hfu5
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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  (561): I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date http://tfl.nu/ynms
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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  (608): Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea http://tfl.nu/i55m
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  no his phone, idiot.

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  (321): Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot. (1-321): he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn. (321): no his phone, idiot. http://tfl.nu/beyf
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  (949): View more from California

  i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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  (949): i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit http://tfl.nu/gr8g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where my bra went.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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  (303): I don't know where my bra went. (1-303): Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy. http://tfl.nu/03yq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

  (786): View more from Florida

  that would mean it's on tape

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  (804): i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately. (804): i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof. (786): that would mean it's on tape http://tfl.nu/zipf
  Replies (6) Good night (3635) Bad night (701)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's always exciting to touch a new boob.

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  (814): It's always exciting to touch a new boob. http://tfl.nu/e374
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
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  (207): View more from Maine

  We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.

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  (207): We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math. http://tfl.nu/vxcn
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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  (352): Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes (1-352): I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos. http://tfl.nu/ch4a
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?

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  (610): So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues? http://tfl.nu/kfs7
  Replies (16) Good night (984) Bad night (3245)