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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
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