Texts From Last Night

jplush's Favorites Texts:

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  (386): View more from Florida

  And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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  (386): And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur http://tfl.nu/llqd
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore

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  (708): We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore http://tfl.nu/3p2d
  Replies (10) Good night (1897) Bad night (989)
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  (716): View more from New York

  i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.

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  (716): i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man. http://tfl.nu/v8cz
  Replies (6) Good night (1963) Bad night (777) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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  (830): Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester http://tfl.nu/187b
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  (631): View more from New York

  Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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  (631): Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel. http://tfl.nu/lrsp
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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  (605): They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now? http://tfl.nu/s9tm
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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  (931): I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s. http://tfl.nu/244n
  Replies (12) Good night (2835) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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  (417): In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D. http://tfl.nu/wwrb
  Replies (9) Good night (2605) Bad night (744)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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  (970): I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie. http://tfl.nu/haj1
  Replies (23) Good night (6559) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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  (520): He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car.. http://tfl.nu/pywi
  Replies (14) Good night (2594) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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  (912): Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here. http://tfl.nu/xdo1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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  (732): He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper. http://tfl.nu/grbq
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  (818): View more from California

  I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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  (818): I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire http://tfl.nu/rfl8
  Replies (6) Good night (5634) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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  (541): Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid. http://tfl.nu/2ym3
  Replies (25) Good night (7417) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.

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  (714): Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days. http://tfl.nu/680e
  Replies (8) Good night (1399) Bad night (3283) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
  Replies (11) Good night (5472) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

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  (330): come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned http://tfl.nu/3008
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
  Replies (19) Good night (10575) Bad night (1123)
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  (347): View more from New York

  She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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  (347): She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her http://tfl.nu/h5zu
  Replies (10) Good night (4383) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.

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  (780): He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again. http://tfl.nu/j7t8
  Replies (19) Good night (4455) Bad night (1433)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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  (281): My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone http://tfl.nu/zfoz
  Replies (8) Good night (7939) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
  Replies (55) Good night (21359) Bad night (1234) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos

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  (617): the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos http://tfl.nu/3hab
  Replies (11) Good night (3598) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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  (901): Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed http://tfl.nu/avah
  Replies (9) Good night (1445) Bad night (4258) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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  (631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o
  Replies (19) Good night (2126) Bad night (6503) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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  (902): If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I. http://tfl.nu/orkf
  Replies (37) Good night (8265) Bad night (1265) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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  (519): Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical. http://tfl.nu/sqyk
  Replies (12) Good night (6447) Bad night (1735) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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  (408): im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college. http://tfl.nu/q0uk
  Replies (12) Good night (7171) Bad night (851)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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  (516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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  (520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2
  Replies (35) Good night (4369) Bad night (1136)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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  (503): His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit. http://tfl.nu/ykdx
  Replies (45) Good night (5248) Bad night (1395) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
  Replies (22) Good night (5377) Bad night (1303) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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  (248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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  (902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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  (708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity. http://tfl.nu/m9p5
  Replies (53) Good night (1501) Bad night (7688) Order T-Shirt
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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  (807): I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever. http://tfl.nu/8cfr
  Replies (23) Good night (5051) Bad night (1028) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls

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  (720): I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls http://tfl.nu/uqfq
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq
  Replies (34) Good night (3137) Bad night (4134) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.

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  (313): Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award? (734): She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy. http://tfl.nu/0kwr
  Replies (33) Good night (970) Bad night (2788)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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  (781): I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy. http://tfl.nu/bakf
  Replies (43) Good night (2233) Bad night (7323) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

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  (843): Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean. http://tfl.nu/s35t
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  (914): View more from New York

  Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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  (914): Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it http://tfl.nu/0jmm
  Replies (27) Good night (2163) Bad night (4773) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.

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  (816): She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years. http://tfl.nu/8lob
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

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  (631): I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York. http://tfl.nu/aty3
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend

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  (303): How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend http://tfl.nu/ip7i
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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  (720): You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger. http://tfl.nu/3qkv
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  (310): View more from California

  i fucked a milf yesterday.

  (619): View more from California

  i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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  (310): i fucked a milf yesterday. (619): i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old. http://tfl.nu/l3df
  Replies (28) Good night (13231) Bad night (1649)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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  (931): Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person. http://tfl.nu/od1c
  Replies (46) Good night (6905) Bad night (735)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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  (713): You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin (954): Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language http://tfl.nu/75up
  Replies (34) Good night (914) Bad night (4882)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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  (631): I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever... http://tfl.nu/ojc2
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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  (205): I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean. http://tfl.nu/fik0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
  Replies (27) Good night (8713) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it

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  (949): i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it http://tfl.nu/yzwv
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  (806): View more from Texas

  If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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  (806): If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut http://tfl.nu/i4w4
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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  (603): I forgot how few teeth there are in this state... http://tfl.nu/03va
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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  (757): He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds. http://tfl.nu/ihy8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (786): View more from Florida

  i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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  (786): i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot. http://tfl.nu/tkrk
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
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  (707): View more from California

  he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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  (707): he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?" http://tfl.nu/pefr
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We shouldn"t be alone together

  (606): View more from Kentucky

  you didn"t say that yesterday

  (813): View more from Florida

  you weren't married yesterday

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  (813): We shouldn"t be alone together (606): you didn"t say that yesterday (813): you weren't married yesterday http://tfl.nu/oykj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  I ordered a moonbounce.

  (813): View more from Florida

  Fuck, you win.

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  (813): Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party. (1-813): I ordered a moonbounce. (813): Fuck, you win. http://tfl.nu/qedv
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  (631): View more from New York

  she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.

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  (631): she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever. http://tfl.nu/9adr
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

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  (717): I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian. http://tfl.nu/9yc5
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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  (609): Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand. http://tfl.nu/nkg8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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  (802): We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money." http://tfl.nu/9u0b
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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  (302): dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit http://tfl.nu/61qr
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  (914): View more from New York

  every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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  (914): every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now http://tfl.nu/173b
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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  (662): I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits" http://tfl.nu/79pd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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  (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken... http://tfl.nu/8g1q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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  (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right http://tfl.nu/htd0
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.

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  (248): Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/ywit
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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  (732): I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.' http://tfl.nu/iq97
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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