Texts From Last Night

Unit562's Favorites Texts:

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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.

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  (765): He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified. http://tfl.nu/qdiz
  Replies (10) Good night (907) Bad night (344)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far

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  (785): He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far http://tfl.nu/hear
  Replies (8) Good night (597) Bad night (1046) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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  (601): You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass. http://tfl.nu/96n6
  Replies (7) Good night (2119) Bad night (293)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..

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  (219): N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever.. http://tfl.nu/4w8h
  Replies (4) Good night (409) Bad night (694)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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  (713): Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help. http://tfl.nu/jai4
  Replies (13) Good night (1669) Bad night (262)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set

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  (702): By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set http://tfl.nu/1rax
  Replies (12) Good night (1159) Bad night (711) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4578) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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  (910): Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer. http://tfl.nu/mbe5
  Replies (5) Good night (1378) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.

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  (714): They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost. http://tfl.nu/dynq
  Replies (3) Good night (1666) Bad night (441) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?

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  (321): Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding? http://tfl.nu/i6fm
  Replies (15) Good night (1122) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
  Replies (11) Good night (3181) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.

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  (920): YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF. http://tfl.nu/pvmt
  Replies (12) Good night (2425) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

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  (262): Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer? http://tfl.nu/h12n
  Replies (20) Good night (472) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows

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  (908): I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows http://tfl.nu/eaw6
  Replies (5) Good night (1539) Bad night (394) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

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  (740): Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to. http://tfl.nu/nnoc
  Replies (20) Good night (3440) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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  (805): What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc. http://tfl.nu/01sm
  Replies (29) Good night (3267) Bad night (445)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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  (708): I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie. http://tfl.nu/rjzr
  Replies (6) Good night (4420) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment

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  (910): oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment http://tfl.nu/2in4
  Replies (7) Good night (2927) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.

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  (785): I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name. http://tfl.nu/h5ua
  Replies (8) Good night (547) Bad night (2473) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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  (610): all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck http://tfl.nu/mnqh
  Replies (49) Good night (1147) Bad night (7141) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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  (209): I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him. http://tfl.nu/e78z
  Replies (25) Good night (7556) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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  (425): Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina? http://tfl.nu/gdbr
  Replies (20) Good night (3794) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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  (519): she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!" http://tfl.nu/5ib0
  Replies (19) Good night (3482) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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  (617): pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle. http://tfl.nu/r2o0
  Replies (3) Good night (2962) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
  Replies (26) Good night (8378) Bad night (1238)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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  (715): I haven't seen her in ages, how is she? (651): Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better http://tfl.nu/q7yr
  Replies (5) Good night (1981) Bad night (429)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.

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  (720): Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something. http://tfl.nu/z9g9
  Replies (18) Good night (796) Bad night (2093) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
  Replies (59) Good night (8072) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?

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  (404): It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar? http://tfl.nu/lonp
  Replies (6) Good night (1307) Bad night (602) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

  (440): View more from Ohio

  seek help.

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  (216): I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out (440): seek help. http://tfl.nu/dyh0
  Replies (24) Good night (5013) Bad night (649)
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  (315): View more from New York

  He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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  (315): He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender http://tfl.nu/9vxe
  Replies (23) Good night (1813) Bad night (4472) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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  (423): today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married http://tfl.nu/xv8o
  Replies (68) Good night (13128) Bad night (1358) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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  (512): Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong http://tfl.nu/wvqv
  Replies (14) Good night (2728) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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  (512): I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high. http://tfl.nu/3kr7
  Replies (27) Good night (5217) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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  (512): I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub. http://tfl.nu/cojk
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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  (512): The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"? http://tfl.nu/3j2r
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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  (303): You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories. http://tfl.nu/6f6h
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (353) Good night (7746) Bad night (48314)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now

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  (910): She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now http://tfl.nu/y52f
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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  (360): Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats. http://tfl.nu/2ns1
  Replies (7) Good night (1412) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

  (850): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm going back tonight

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  (270): Her idea of kinky involved a tazer (850): wtf? (270): I'm going back tonight http://tfl.nu/a9kb
  Replies (15) Good night (2591) Bad night (596)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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  (202): In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American. http://tfl.nu/gnds
  Replies (14) Good night (3231) Bad night (432) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168281) Bad night (42163) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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  (917): She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for. http://tfl.nu/k05b
  Replies (7) Good night (3508) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much

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  (917): his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much http://tfl.nu/cn35
  Replies (30) Good night (1516) Bad night (5023) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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  (313): Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good. http://tfl.nu/3acn
  Replies (19) Good night (1245) Bad night (6082) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
  Replies (34) Good night (18194) Bad night (1177)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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  (720): Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown (303): I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself. http://tfl.nu/zmkv
  Replies (44) Good night (8368) Bad night (886)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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  (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. http://tfl.nu/rq4b
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?

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  (303): she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out? http://tfl.nu/1nw7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (16202) Bad night (1168) Order T-Shirt
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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  (848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa http://tfl.nu/605l
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
  Replies (260) Good night (3964) Bad night (78188)
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.

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  (848): Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work. http://tfl.nu/02os
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?

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  (209): I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry? http://tfl.nu/5luf
  Replies (15) Good night (466) Bad night (1329)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1468) Bad night (5110)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.

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  (586): I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food. http://tfl.nu/52ze
  Replies (27) Good night (1280) Bad night (1339)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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  (484): judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog. http://tfl.nu/kq70
  Replies (6) Good night (2005) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt