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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
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