Texts From Last Night

basherk139's Favorites Texts:

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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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  (651): I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country http://tfl.nu/ju5o
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

  (425): View more from Washington

  Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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  (206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t
  Replies (7) Good night (5642) Bad night (857)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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  (231): So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was? http://tfl.nu/e02a
  Replies (21) Good night (1384) Bad night (4515) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

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  (937): Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not. http://tfl.nu/7iqg
  Replies (9) Good night (4269) Bad night (1116) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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  (562): I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex. http://tfl.nu/ik0l
  Replies (15) Good night (5509) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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  (913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?! http://tfl.nu/fugu
  Replies (67) Good night (1789) Bad night (4430) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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  (978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous http://tfl.nu/iens
  Replies (15) Good night (5212) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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  (281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd
  Replies (46) Good night (9954) Bad night (1204)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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  (214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me. http://tfl.nu/otui
  Replies (12) Good night (2515) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

  (303): View more from Colorado

  lol who won

  (727): View more from Florida

  well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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  (727): im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night (303): lol who won (727): well im in the hospital right now so u tell me http://tfl.nu/pmtb
  Replies (15) Good night (1434) Bad night (769)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.

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  (727): What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette? (1-727): Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast. http://tfl.nu/lpfv
  Replies (2) Good night (1255) Bad night (417) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
  Replies (16) Good night (13509) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up

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  (727): I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up http://tfl.nu/lw6q
  Replies (10) Good night (3534) Bad night (431) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.

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  (727): I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was. http://tfl.nu/ul38
  Replies (14) Good night (4448) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Lol welcome to greek life

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  (727): if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now. (1-727): Lol welcome to greek life http://tfl.nu/i7uo
  Replies (43) Good night (768) Bad night (4083)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

  (727): View more from Florida

  More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

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  (954): I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning. (727): More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort. http://tfl.nu/lvyr
  Replies (15) Good night (4601) Bad night (516)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.

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  (727): i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened. (1-727): shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face. http://tfl.nu/dien
  Replies (13) Good night (4470) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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  (727): what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway http://tfl.nu/b3sf
  Replies (23) Good night (2203) Bad night (6904) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
  Replies (117) Good night (2991) Bad night (11686)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class

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  (727): I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class http://tfl.nu/b4xz
  Replies (49) Good night (5327) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
  Replies (36) Good night (6952) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I don't remember what your face looks like..

  (727): View more from Florida

  I don't remember your face either, just your dick.

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  (248): I don't remember what your face looks like.. (727): I don't remember your face either, just your dick. http://tfl.nu/odit
  Replies (19) Good night (6244) Bad night (802)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.

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  (727): I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake. http://tfl.nu/tfkj
  Replies (12) Good night (5412) Bad night (1014) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38284) Bad night (1722)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer

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  (727): just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer http://tfl.nu/wsrg
  Replies (16) Good night (3712) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.

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  (727): In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up. http://tfl.nu/1vdz
  Replies (22) Good night (933) Bad night (4313) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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  (727): I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place. http://tfl.nu/vbxd
  Replies (18) Good night (5799) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!

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  (727): A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend! http://tfl.nu/ajdu
  Replies (12) Good night (3470) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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  (727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh
  Replies (42) Good night (10106) Bad night (1091) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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  (727): Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think? (1-727): I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again. http://tfl.nu/gesf
  Replies (32) Good night (2570) Bad night (4422)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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  (727): Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize http://tfl.nu/86pd
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
  Replies (16) Good night (4860) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?

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  (845): I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back? http://tfl.nu/r4ga
  Replies (4) Good night (1199) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

  (1-845): View more from New York

  i wanted you to too

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  (845): im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to (1-845): i wanted you to too http://tfl.nu/498i
  Replies (15) Good night (700) Bad night (1301) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  8:17pm: So, How was fun day?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success

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  (845) 8:17pm: So, How was fun day? (201) 1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success http://tfl.nu/xkzo
  Replies (11) Good night (1496) Bad night (373)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.

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  (845): Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand. http://tfl.nu/fgi3
  Replies (0) Good night (487) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

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  (845): I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick. http://tfl.nu/cye7
  Replies (9) Good night (3874) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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  (845): I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred. http://tfl.nu/ocgs
  Replies (11) Good night (925) Bad night (1814) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations

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  (845): Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations http://tfl.nu/d924
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  (845): View more from New York

  no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.

  (516): View more from New York

  You wear Armani Exchange.

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  (845): no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue. (516): You wear Armani Exchange. http://tfl.nu/2dtf
  Replies (16) Good night (573) Bad night (2029)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

  (845): View more from New York

  Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

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  (302): Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one? (845): Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides. http://tfl.nu/6dzh
  Replies (125) Good night (4735) Bad night (580)
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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  (845): It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot. http://tfl.nu/ztf1
  Replies (69) Good night (4117) Bad night (675)
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  (845): View more from New York

  would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?

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  (845): would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high? http://tfl.nu/v2jv
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  (845): View more from New York

  If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?

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  (845): If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one? http://tfl.nu/fmgu
  Replies (11) Good night (740) Bad night (3817) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.

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  (845): She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle. http://tfl.nu/du41
  Replies (25) Good night (4967) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.

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  (845): he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after. http://tfl.nu/w4bv
  Replies (78) Good night (5724) Bad night (2606) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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  (845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy
  Replies (33) Good night (1365) Bad night (6212) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

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  (845): Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD http://tfl.nu/xg03
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  (845): View more from New York

  the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did

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  (845): the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did http://tfl.nu/11j3
  Replies (11) Good night (1022) Bad night (4263) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  mondays should just be called national damage control day

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  (845): mondays should just be called national damage control day http://tfl.nu/14ab
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  (845): View more from New York

  We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Who won mens moguls?

  (845): View more from New York

  That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

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  (845): We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously? (1-845): Who won mens moguls? (845): That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude. http://tfl.nu/8mik
  Replies (63) Good night (6544) Bad night (2058)
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  (845): View more from New York

  As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth

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  (845): As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth http://tfl.nu/7fqn
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  (845): View more from New York

  i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

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  (845): i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room http://tfl.nu/beeq
  Replies (13) Good night (872) Bad night (3369)
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  (845): View more from New York

  So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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  (845): So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation. http://tfl.nu/fvna
  Replies (21) Good night (9774) Bad night (1165)
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  (845): View more from New York

  The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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  (845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7
  Replies (5) Good night (3769) Bad night (1296) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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  (845): They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory. http://tfl.nu/jr9q
  Replies (7) Good night (1068) Bad night (3533) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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  (845): no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill http://tfl.nu/ddir
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.

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  (608): It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table. http://tfl.nu/47ew
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

  (404): View more from Georgia

  how did that work out?

  (478): View more from Georgia

  Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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  (478): So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking (404): how did that work out? (478): Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder... http://tfl.nu/o1yp
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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  (570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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  (678): Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it. http://tfl.nu/0dlq
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  (518): View more from New York

  i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.

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  (518): i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream. http://tfl.nu/w7qz
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

  (518): View more from New York

  No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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  (313): Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween? (518): No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate. http://tfl.nu/4msk
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (518): View more from New York

  im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

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  (518): im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine. http://tfl.nu/cj5c
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  (518): View more from New York

  idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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  (518): idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever http://tfl.nu/70al
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  (518): View more from New York

  Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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  (518): Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy. http://tfl.nu/8m2c
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  (518): View more from New York

  As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.

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  (518): As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon. http://tfl.nu/t4x8
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  (518): View more from New York

  he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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  (518): he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name. http://tfl.nu/imhe
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  (845): View more from New York

  Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

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  (845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo http://tfl.nu/oxyw
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  (845): View more from New York

  just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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  (845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay
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  (845): View more from New York

  beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween

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  (845): beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween http://tfl.nu/oes5
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  (845): View more from New York

  People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk

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  (845): People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk http://tfl.nu/qmhf
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.

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  (845): I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says. http://tfl.nu/83ho
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  (845): View more from New York

  maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut

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  (845): maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut http://tfl.nu/29rz
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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  (845): i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore http://tfl.nu/w95h
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  (845): View more from New York

  i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

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  (845): i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning. http://tfl.nu/8v63
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.

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  (845): I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day. http://tfl.nu/52wz
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  (914): View more from New York

  My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

  (845): View more from New York

  She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

  (914): View more from New York

  well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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  (914): My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener. (845): She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn? (914): well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey http://tfl.nu/elol
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  (845): View more from New York

  just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

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  (845): just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism http://tfl.nu/ktmw
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  (845): View more from New York

  our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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  (845): our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever. http://tfl.nu/jcyn
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  (845): View more from New York

  Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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  (845): Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore. http://tfl.nu/7ot8
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  (845): View more from New York

  Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

  (1-845): View more from New York

  then get some ugly ones...

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  (845): Stop trying to talk to my friends!! (1-845): then get some ugly ones... http://tfl.nu/5xvc
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  (845): View more from New York

  Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

  (716): View more from New York

  gotta love spring break

  (845): View more from New York

  gotta love slutty girls from the south

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  (845): Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy. (716): gotta love spring break (845): gotta love slutty girls from the south http://tfl.nu/ze0i
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  (845): View more from New York

  They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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  (845): They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids. http://tfl.nu/mgv1
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
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  (845): View more from New York

  i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

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  (845): i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it. http://tfl.nu/ii10
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  (845): View more from New York

  its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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  (845): its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth http://tfl.nu/7jau
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success

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  (845): Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success http://tfl.nu/8g5x
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  (845): View more from New York

  I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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  (845): I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ. http://tfl.nu/s7ef
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  (845): View more from New York

  so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

  (845): View more from New York

  i guess it runs in the family.

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  (845): so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date (845): i guess it runs in the family. http://tfl.nu/gfn4
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  (845): View more from New York

  my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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  (845): my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie http://tfl.nu/7ez3
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  (845): View more from New York

  I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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  (845): I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting http://tfl.nu/6shn
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  (845): View more from New York

  Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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  (845): Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention http://tfl.nu/alzz
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  (845): View more from New York

  I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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  (845): I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/6xbj
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  (516): View more from New York

  Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

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  (516): Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door. http://tfl.nu/5od7
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  (516): View more from New York

  He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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  (516): He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one. http://tfl.nu/wrt6
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college

  (516): View more from New York

  is she hot?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  She is now

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  (802): My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college (516): is she hot? (802): She is now http://tfl.nu/4xoq
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  (516): View more from New York

  then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"

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  (516): then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already" http://tfl.nu/32w5
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  (516): View more from New York

  is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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  (516): is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon? http://tfl.nu/8edy
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  (516): View more from New York

  he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.

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  (516): he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor. http://tfl.nu/s1qd
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  (516): View more from New York

  I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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  (516): I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory http://tfl.nu/t9t2
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  (516): View more from New York

  Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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  (516): Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/zzy7
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  (516): View more from New York

  please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.

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  (516): please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself. http://tfl.nu/xysw
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  (516): View more from New York

  Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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  (516): Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me? http://tfl.nu/2ksh
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  (516): View more from New York

  just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination

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  (516): just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination http://tfl.nu/dj79
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (516): View more from New York

  Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked

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  (516): Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked http://tfl.nu/j7ko
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

  (516): View more from New York

  was the water running?

  (917): View more from New York City

  yeah but he said he knows how to swim

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  (917): i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower. (516): was the water running? (917): yeah but he said he knows how to swim http://tfl.nu/akph
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  (516): View more from New York

  i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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  (516): i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik. http://tfl.nu/oo49
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  (516): View more from New York

  The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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  (516): The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving. http://tfl.nu/b59v
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  (516): View more from New York

  watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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  (516): watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball... http://tfl.nu/7xuo
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  (516): View more from New York

  i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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  (516): i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles. http://tfl.nu/x8s9
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  (516): View more from New York

  so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs

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  (516): so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs http://tfl.nu/qh32
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  (516): View more from New York

  doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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  (516): doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine http://tfl.nu/5fcf
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
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  (516): View more from New York

  My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

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  (516): My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say http://tfl.nu/znzu
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  (516): View more from New York

  i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.

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  (516): i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok. http://tfl.nu/l3f8
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  (516): View more from New York

  I understand why you refuse to be sober now

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  (516): I understand why you refuse to be sober now http://tfl.nu/j30b
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  (516): View more from New York

  The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

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  (516): The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse" http://tfl.nu/y3e0
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  (516): View more from New York

  shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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  (516): shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously. http://tfl.nu/hrom
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  (516): View more from New York

  and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.

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  (516): and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars. http://tfl.nu/d908
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

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  (516): Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn" http://tfl.nu/e8ge
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  (516): View more from New York

  The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

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  (516): The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home. http://tfl.nu/xzym
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  (516): View more from New York

  any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?

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  (516): any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club? http://tfl.nu/452g
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  (516): View more from New York

  Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

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  (516): Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand. http://tfl.nu/xjsp
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  (516): View more from New York

  my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

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  (516): my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall http://tfl.nu/7d2k
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us

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  (225): True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us http://tfl.nu/tf5l
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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  (978): he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works http://tfl.nu/o828
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  Do they take checks?

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

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  (606): Do they take checks? (1-606): Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL? http://tfl.nu/lvo7
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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  (317): i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex http://tfl.nu/eh60
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.

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  (301): We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else. http://tfl.nu/5mkn
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.

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  (303): Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs. http://tfl.nu/ukka
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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  (919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4
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  (925): View more from California

  I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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  (925): I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible http://tfl.nu/u9b3
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
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  (516): View more from New York

  i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone

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  (516): i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone http://tfl.nu/1arh
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  (516): View more from New York

  until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

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  (516): until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life http://tfl.nu/jc1p
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  (516): View more from New York

  my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper

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  (516): my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper http://tfl.nu/iwmr
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  (516): View more from New York

  I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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  (516): I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy. http://tfl.nu/zkq5
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  (516): View more from New York

  I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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  (516): I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay. http://tfl.nu/nx25
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  (516): View more from New York

  if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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  (516): if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine http://tfl.nu/b6e8
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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  (250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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  (781): I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy. http://tfl.nu/bakf
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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  (702): she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/em4c
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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  (709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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  (903): Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe http://tfl.nu/shgh
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  (626): View more from California

  I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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  (626): I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text" http://tfl.nu/ij6d
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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  (330): fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever http://tfl.nu/itin
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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  (253): I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs. http://tfl.nu/cszc
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

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  (330): My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for http://tfl.nu/h1bq
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