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I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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