Texts From Last Night

until_today's Favorites Texts:

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  (301): View more from Maryland

  A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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  (301): A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero. http://tfl.nu/wa7o
  Replies (17) Good night (4637) Bad night (386)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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  (304): You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up http://tfl.nu/adeo
  Replies (34) Good night (6863) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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  (912): Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina http://tfl.nu/x70u
  Replies (16) Good night (931) Bad night (3430) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am

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  (415): there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am http://tfl.nu/m06t
  Replies (2) Good night (722) Bad night (2030) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
  Replies (22) Good night (4602) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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  (302): I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress http://tfl.nu/yb5l
  Replies (16) Good night (5286) Bad night (723) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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  (706): She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night. http://tfl.nu/uc8q
  Replies (4) Good night (6674) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
  Replies (54) Good night (11425) Bad night (1395)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
  Replies (41) Good night (26184) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
  Replies (25) Good night (5629) Bad night (3282)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
  Replies (13) Good night (6598) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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  (217): Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship. http://tfl.nu/eyj6
  Replies (9) Good night (4364) Bad night (690)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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  (202): He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like. http://tfl.nu/n0vb
  Replies (6) Good night (2878) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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  (914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u
  Replies (32) Good night (2473) Bad night (4706)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
  Replies (16) Good night (7569) Bad night (1246)
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  (239): View more from Florida

  While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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  (239): While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth". http://tfl.nu/xyop
  Replies (6) Good night (4788) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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  (202): My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin! http://tfl.nu/ygvu
  Replies (18) Good night (5238) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me

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  (201): They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me http://tfl.nu/zcpa
  Replies (6) Good night (3766) Bad night (755)
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  (718): View more from New York

  walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)

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  (718): walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :) http://tfl.nu/3uv4
  Replies (36) Good night (5745) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  First class.

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  (609): Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass. (1-609): First class. http://tfl.nu/3mby
  Replies (16) Good night (4599) Bad night (437) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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  (217): I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello. http://tfl.nu/7dqs
  Replies (14) Good night (1615) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

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  (518): wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision http://tfl.nu/37aw
  Replies (11) Good night (5651) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
  Replies (45) Good night (19359) Bad night (640)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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  (740): I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream http://tfl.nu/eta2
  Replies (28) Good night (2328) Bad night (6665) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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  (973): Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever. http://tfl.nu/k2hn
  Replies (87) Good night (1395) Bad night (23107) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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  (704): he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time.. http://tfl.nu/irbs
  Replies (6) Good night (1154) Bad night (4027) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
  Replies (26) Good night (8609) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."

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  (202): And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan." http://tfl.nu/9mrq
  Replies (17) Good night (1483) Bad night (425) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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  (619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei
  Replies (27) Good night (1163) Bad night (6119) Order T-Shirt
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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  (763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy
  Replies (43) Good night (2211) Bad night (6074) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
  Replies (6) Good night (4914) Bad night (959)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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  (513): You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm. http://tfl.nu/60sn
  Replies (10) Good night (4113) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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  (734): turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis http://tfl.nu/zgff
  Replies (64) Good night (7547) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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  (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars. http://tfl.nu/7ljv
  Replies (185) Good night (8816) Bad night (6819) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
  Replies (12) Good night (6542) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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  (571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday. http://tfl.nu/tetw
  Replies (73) Good night (10565) Bad night (1283) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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  (203): So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?" http://tfl.nu/t9pp
  Replies (7) Good night (4516) Bad night (947) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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  (631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc
  Replies (30) Good night (11289) Bad night (892)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
  Replies (11) Good night (4986) Bad night (1658) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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  (610): Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick... http://tfl.nu/36kw
  Replies (67) Good night (5164) Bad night (615) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (7765) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
  Replies (37) Good night (653) Bad night (3425)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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  (315): Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial. http://tfl.nu/jwzw
  Replies (20) Good night (1200) Bad night (6785) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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  (617): You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable. http://tfl.nu/i02t
  Replies (3) Good night (2591) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7476) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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  (732): You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name. http://tfl.nu/cvf5
  Replies (18) Good night (6111) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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  (714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester http://tfl.nu/u653
  Replies (10) Good night (9014) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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  (412): At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? http://tfl.nu/fbfw
  Replies (8) Good night (1003) Bad night (2553) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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  (905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi
  Replies (24) Good night (3829) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (10974) Bad night (951)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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  (757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec
  Replies (27) Good night (7921) Bad night (1341) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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  (818): apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today" http://tfl.nu/nsmf
  Replies (20) Good night (6159) Bad night (2021) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side

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  (425): the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side http://tfl.nu/wowf
  Replies (27) Good night (5225) Bad night (590) Order T-Shirt
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  (876): View more from Jamaica

  After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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  (876): After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone http://tfl.nu/ammv
  Replies (32) Good night (7986) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

  (806): View more from Texas

  he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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  (512): he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before (806): he probably also told you he thought u were pretty http://tfl.nu/s8x5
  Replies (22) Good night (1310) Bad night (5801)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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  (708): Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight? http://tfl.nu/wnvq
  Replies (38) Good night (16444) Bad night (1662) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.

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  (714): Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex. http://tfl.nu/8q2z
  Replies (9) Good night (696) Bad night (3939)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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  (702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar? (1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry. http://tfl.nu/t675
  Replies (54) Good night (1719) Bad night (7241) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

  (607): View more from New York

  what a beautiful fairy tale

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  (315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out (607): what a beautiful fairy tale http://tfl.nu/50v3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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  (253): She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much. http://tfl.nu/wscf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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  (807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

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  (757): he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so. http://tfl.nu/ifvf
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick

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  (585): Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick http://tfl.nu/4ktv
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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  (773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix
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  (281): View more from Texas

  # days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279

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  (281): # days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279 http://tfl.nu/pu81
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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