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I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You took a bar mat shot.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
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