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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
she smelled like a LAN party
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
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