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she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish you could order shots online.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
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