Texts From Last Night

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  (705): View more from Ontario

  You sprinted into the side of a parked car

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  (705): You sprinted into the side of a parked car http://tfl.nu/8ptj
  Replies (0) Good night (734) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.

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  (905): Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk. http://tfl.nu/f6av
  Replies (3) Good night (573) Bad night (194) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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  (317): When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work. http://tfl.nu/4lb8
  Replies (13) Good night (2071) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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  (810): I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire http://tfl.nu/lsgu
  Replies (7) Good night (2069) Bad night (462) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
  Replies (15) Good night (1771) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

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  (307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity. http://tfl.nu/x8mh
  Replies (2) Good night (1114) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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  (562): So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now. http://tfl.nu/6kpj
  Replies (17) Good night (577) Bad night (2007)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Ugh he's texting me.

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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  (204): Ugh he's texting me. (1-204): Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess. http://tfl.nu/6r54
  Replies (5) Good night (1458) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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  (512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position (1-512): I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed. http://tfl.nu/u3vm
  Replies (9) Good night (2037) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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  (301): so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards http://tfl.nu/20k7
  Replies (11) Good night (2061) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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  (330): Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum. http://tfl.nu/36en
  Replies (8) Good night (1366) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  You rang?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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  (707): You rang? (405): Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone. http://tfl.nu/xnwm
  Replies (15) Good night (2222) Bad night (657)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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  (810): Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor. http://tfl.nu/mqcd
  Replies (8) Good night (1719) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.

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  (318): If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night. http://tfl.nu/4uhw
  Replies (6) Good night (1690) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (559): View more from California

  I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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  (559): I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives. http://tfl.nu/x41u
  Replies (6) Good night (1674) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.

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  (651): I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his. http://tfl.nu/2lgm
  Replies (15) Good night (2381) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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  (302): Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit. http://tfl.nu/yb12
  Replies (27) Good night (4332) Bad night (997) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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  (402): Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week. http://tfl.nu/y6xg
  Replies (16) Good night (3717) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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  (773): I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming. http://tfl.nu/u6dn
  Replies (7) Good night (3993) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

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  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
  Replies (25) Good night (1722) Bad night (4323)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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  (401): We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other http://tfl.nu/z80n
  Replies (14) Good night (1610) Bad night (4098) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
  Replies (23) Good night (5533) Bad night (982)
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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  (641): My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/v9dh
  Replies (9) Good night (3598) Bad night (929) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (85) Good night (38177) Bad night (1644)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80306) Bad night (4335) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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  (708): there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again http://tfl.nu/npn0
  Replies (11) Good night (2107) Bad night (1061) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.

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  (562): My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me. http://tfl.nu/w036
  Replies (5) Good night (948) Bad night (2325) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up

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  (707): please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up http://tfl.nu/kqwh
  Replies (9) Good night (1728) Bad night (1478) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

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  (270): We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel. http://tfl.nu/l81q
  Replies (7) Good night (3619) Bad night (1115) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
  Replies (42) Good night (12782) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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  (570): I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison. http://tfl.nu/ax4a
  Replies (13) Good night (2394) Bad night (1318) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Did everyone make it back alive?

  (309): View more from Illinois

  You say that with such hope.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Is that a no?

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  (217): Did everyone make it back alive? (309): You say that with such hope. (217): Is that a no? http://tfl.nu/rkmk
  Replies (3) Good night (3127) Bad night (789)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

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  (314): I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario http://tfl.nu/9b6y
  Replies (3) Good night (1972) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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  (803): the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar http://tfl.nu/ly2i
  Replies (12) Good night (7839) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
  Replies (4) Good night (5011) Bad night (957) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
  Replies (19) Good night (6725) Bad night (898) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.

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  (505): My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help. http://tfl.nu/hde2
  Replies (18) Good night (3297) Bad night (1108) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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  (781): I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again" http://tfl.nu/7as1
  Replies (4) Good night (3937) Bad night (768) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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  (302): Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself. http://tfl.nu/ycey
  Replies (8) Good night (3383) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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  (519): I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it. http://tfl.nu/dyf5
  Replies (8) Good night (2830) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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  (201): at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was http://tfl.nu/89k6
  Replies (21) Good night (3210) Bad night (1104) Order T-Shirt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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  (786): you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you http://tfl.nu/pl4e
  Replies (2) Good night (3040) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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  (520): Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries. http://tfl.nu/00in
  Replies (6) Good night (2549) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
  Replies (17) Good night (9205) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I have no recollection of sleep choking you

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  (860): I have no recollection of sleep choking you http://tfl.nu/6fhf
  Replies (8) Good night (1481) Bad night (2137) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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  (231): I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon. http://tfl.nu/pf2r
  Replies (21) Good night (7038) Bad night (1054) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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  (732): You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you. http://tfl.nu/wi1w
  Replies (7) Good night (3382) Bad night (1515) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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  (217): I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart. http://tfl.nu/psm5
  Replies (6) Good night (2025) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars

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  (248): Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars http://tfl.nu/5z1n
  Replies (10) Good night (4821) Bad night (921)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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  (901): There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/rmal
  Replies (2) Good night (2988) Bad night (891) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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  (902): hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help. http://tfl.nu/mkef
  Replies (5) Good night (1394) Bad night (3054) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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  (517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed. http://tfl.nu/94v6
  Replies (10) Good night (5580) Bad night (873) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club

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  (514): You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club http://tfl.nu/px87
  Replies (3) Good night (1685) Bad night (847)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  haha i know

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  (406): i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt. (1-406): haha i know http://tfl.nu/vo1w
  Replies (21) Good night (7507) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine

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  (+44): The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine http://tfl.nu/6flp
  Replies (12) Good night (987) Bad night (3640) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.

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  (573): I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him. http://tfl.nu/m4j0
  Replies (3) Good night (1822) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

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  (678): As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off. http://tfl.nu/2oau
  Replies (3) Good night (2716) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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  (813): im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots. http://tfl.nu/i8ur
  Replies (5) Good night (3898) Bad night (1425) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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  (360): Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name. http://tfl.nu/xkiq
  Replies (22) Good night (4136) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

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  (314): she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this http://tfl.nu/4qkx
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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  (618): This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape. http://tfl.nu/eyxg
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  (850): View more from Florida

  The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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  (850): The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight. http://tfl.nu/6ch9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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  (330): theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles. http://tfl.nu/gk69
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

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  (217): I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel. http://tfl.nu/8hwr
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.

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  (405): You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party. http://tfl.nu/3ntk
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.

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  (651): I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed. http://tfl.nu/6al2
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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  (785): he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing http://tfl.nu/bfcf
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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  (419): Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this... http://tfl.nu/jh8c
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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  (941): Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches. http://tfl.nu/ctw0
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.

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  (617): im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone. http://tfl.nu/veb9
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