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My nipple is on Facebook.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
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