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the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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