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The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
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