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she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
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