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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
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