White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
