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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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