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It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
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