Texts From Last Night

TheGODDAMbatman's Favorites Texts:

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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM

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  (610): I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM http://tfl.nu/hx9z
  Replies (23) Good night (1227) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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  (406): Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you... http://tfl.nu/o96h
  Replies (5) Good night (1038) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.

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  (520): i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/utjt
  Replies (8) Good night (1241) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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  (614): Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof http://tfl.nu/erp7
  Replies (13) Good night (629) Bad night (2290) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES

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  (815): THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES http://tfl.nu/zxql
  Replies (7) Good night (700) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She seemed pretty into it.

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  (304): I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl. (440): Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that. (304): She seemed pretty into it. http://tfl.nu/8b1w
  Replies (2) Good night (1075) Bad night (479)
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  (650): View more from California

  Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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  (650): Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens http://tfl.nu/mv4i
  Replies (13) Good night (1986) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.

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  (910): I gasped. Both pairs of lips did. http://tfl.nu/2kuf
  Replies (4) Good night (2073) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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  (406): Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink http://tfl.nu/w6xd
  Replies (5) Good night (1721) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
  Replies (24) Good night (5891) Bad night (1065)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
  Replies (15) Good night (6375) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5468) Bad night (1176)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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  (519): I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen? http://tfl.nu/tjza
  Replies (20) Good night (6019) Bad night (866) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

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  (949): In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor. http://tfl.nu/vpx7
  Replies (33) Good night (6182) Bad night (1982)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
  Replies (24) Good night (7620) Bad night (1053)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  DRUNK CANOEING

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Please text me if you survive.

  (207): View more from Maine

  LAND HO BITCH

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  (207): DRUNK CANOEING (804): Please text me if you survive. (207): LAND HO BITCH http://tfl.nu/6y3l
  Replies (27) Good night (10019) Bad night (766)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
  Replies (163) Good night (31691) Bad night (1874) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
  Replies (59) Good night (35587) Bad night (976)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38495) Bad night (3096)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
  Replies (85) Good night (38178) Bad night (1645)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38606) Bad night (1482)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
  Replies (79) Good night (37816) Bad night (1584) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
  Replies (118) Good night (39690) Bad night (1625) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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  (812): I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos. http://tfl.nu/9xke
  Replies (194) Good night (38177) Bad night (1500) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40220) Bad night (1546)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
  Replies (82) Good night (39648) Bad night (1961)
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
  Replies (74) Good night (40262) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39372) Bad night (1514) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
  Replies (97) Good night (43691) Bad night (1479)
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (43857) Bad night (1669) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
  Replies (348) Good night (43867) Bad night (4588) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
  Replies (118) Good night (45005) Bad night (3407) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51672) Bad night (2293)