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I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
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