Texts From Last Night

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  (518): View more from New York

  Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.

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  (518): Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you. http://tfl.nu/bm50
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.

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  (785): We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool. http://tfl.nu/h5uz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?

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  (940): Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow? http://tfl.nu/gsnf
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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  (601): You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka." http://tfl.nu/g6um
  Replies (6) Good night (3292) Bad night (694) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me

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  (708): I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me http://tfl.nu/82r8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero

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  (732): I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero http://tfl.nu/o55w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

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  (+44): Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world. (303): Welcome to America. You're gonna love it. http://tfl.nu/yt2w
  Replies (13) Good night (2737) Bad night (340)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
  Replies (30) Good night (19810) Bad night (1246) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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  (301): Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/5jwu
  Replies (10) Good night (3246) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass

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  (302): His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass http://tfl.nu/wy91
  Replies (5) Good night (1318) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2850) Bad night (435)
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  (714): View more from California

  He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings

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  (714): He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings http://tfl.nu/vyv5
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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  (704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own. http://tfl.nu/ehgs
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  (650): View more from California

  last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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  (650): last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.' http://tfl.nu/3iza
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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  (704): Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen" http://tfl.nu/5w2n
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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  (201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9
  Replies (17) Good night (5471) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair

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  (985): And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair http://tfl.nu/0fee
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.

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  (901): Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain. http://tfl.nu/cpjv
  Replies (2) Good night (1238) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
  Replies (6) Good night (4437) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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  (281): I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy.. http://tfl.nu/39a9
  Replies (12) Good night (2893) Bad night (495)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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  (360): well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home http://tfl.nu/1sb0
  Replies (8) Good night (2639) Bad night (514) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.

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  (831): oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK. http://tfl.nu/xtip
  Replies (12) Good night (515) Bad night (1948) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.

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  (601): i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this. http://tfl.nu/9qd9
  Replies (5) Good night (762) Bad night (1688)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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  (919): It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed. http://tfl.nu/521h
  Replies (9) Good night (3037) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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  (907): I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone? (810): shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you http://tfl.nu/u0b0
  Replies (13) Good night (2244) Bad night (587)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.

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  (414): No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student. http://tfl.nu/q9kq
  Replies (9) Good night (2151) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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  (701): He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success. http://tfl.nu/xbmk
  Replies (12) Good night (4420) Bad night (524)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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  (304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like? (859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch. http://tfl.nu/w6yr
  Replies (19) Good night (3530) Bad night (551)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?

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  (407): the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day? http://tfl.nu/2o1l
  Replies (17) Good night (5543) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

  (1-618): View more from Illinois

  We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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  (618): I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it? (1-618): We wouldn't be friends if you didn't. http://tfl.nu/4027
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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  (773): No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape. http://tfl.nu/zpzm
  Replies (6) Good night (2648) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
  Replies (19) Good night (12585) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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  (732): There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish. http://tfl.nu/b1hn
  Replies (20) Good night (11337) Bad night (951) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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  (612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh
  Replies (42) Good night (11373) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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  (601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

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  (425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/qnyh
  Replies (27) Good night (1562) Bad night (4097)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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  (801): I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high. (1-801): We could get him to build Inspector Gadget. (801): I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!! http://tfl.nu/5lpc
  Replies (31) Good night (6901) Bad night (608)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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  (505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

  (906): View more from Michigan

  I resent that

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  (989): If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back (906): I resent that http://tfl.nu/qneu
  Replies (6) Good night (2694) Bad night (1436)