Texts From Last Night

usmctanker's Favorites Texts:

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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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  (816): You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you http://tfl.nu/d6cu
  Replies (8) Good night (934) Bad night (2769)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  How did you break your hand eating pizza?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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  (603): Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza. (1-603): How did you break your hand eating pizza? (603): Boxes are hard to see rocks through. http://tfl.nu/kquz
  Replies (7) Good night (2535) Bad night (681)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

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  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
  Replies (25) Good night (1713) Bad night (4311)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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  (253): I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight. http://tfl.nu/gw0c
  Replies (4) Good night (1874) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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  (951): I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's. http://tfl.nu/x6q1
  Replies (18) Good night (3046) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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  (585): that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag http://tfl.nu/7pz9
  Replies (11) Good night (1293) Bad night (3612) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
  Replies (4) Good night (4991) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

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  (+44): he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami http://tfl.nu/r6ze
  Replies (22) Good night (1059) Bad night (3768) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.

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  (609): I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments. http://tfl.nu/kh7m
  Replies (6) Good night (1432) Bad night (1091) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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  (406): apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone... http://tfl.nu/2d2g
  Replies (12) Good night (4427) Bad night (948) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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  (913): I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name? http://tfl.nu/qxdg
  Replies (3) Good night (2697) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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  (403): You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine http://tfl.nu/d0ou
  Replies (23) Good night (2785) Bad night (1216) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

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  (804): Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting http://tfl.nu/9m8j
  Replies (5) Good night (3810) Bad night (909) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
  Replies (50) Good night (9220) Bad night (2831) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

  (219): View more from Indiana

  I need you to use more vowels.

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  (812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw
  Replies (15) Good night (8034) Bad night (856)
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  (714): View more from California

  I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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  (714): I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom. http://tfl.nu/8p10
  Replies (19) Good night (3719) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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  (805): Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke http://tfl.nu/mqiv
  Replies (35) Good night (826) Bad night (7736) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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  (814): he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard. http://tfl.nu/0fj9
  Replies (42) Good night (2138) Bad night (4421) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver

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  (212): at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver http://tfl.nu/1ssj
  Replies (10) Good night (2071) Bad night (1092) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
  Replies (25) Good night (10950) Bad night (782)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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  (252): it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet http://tfl.nu/si54
  Replies (6) Good night (2062) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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  (775): He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had. http://tfl.nu/a3aj
  Replies (13) Good night (3444) Bad night (1533) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer

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  (313): I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer http://tfl.nu/w7yv
  Replies (8) Good night (2106) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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  (810): I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm. http://tfl.nu/2iai
  Replies (9) Good night (1074) Bad night (3738) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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  (954): I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals. http://tfl.nu/1tkg
  Replies (16) Good night (990) Bad night (4488) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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  (916): Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus. http://tfl.nu/w1gl
  Replies (17) Good night (913) Bad night (5128) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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  (315): It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!" http://tfl.nu/cmoy
  Replies (23) Good night (4605) Bad night (1757) Order T-Shirt