Texts From Last Night

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  (630): View more from Illinois

  my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

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  (630): my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone. http://tfl.nu/0m3h
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  (818): View more from California

  Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

  (818): View more from California

  Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

  (818): View more from California

  And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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  (818): Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week. (818): Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks. (818): And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it. http://tfl.nu/ncbc
  Replies (14) Good night (3085) Bad night (382)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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  (970): I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises. http://tfl.nu/lren
  Replies (65) Good night (18922) Bad night (718)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.

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  (704): Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009. http://tfl.nu/cvp3
  Replies (54) Good night (3831) Bad night (1263) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.

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  (513): I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence. http://tfl.nu/wy8q
  Replies (14) Good night (2380) Bad night (663)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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  (410): Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles' (301): Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar.. http://tfl.nu/a4j3
  Replies (42) Good night (802) Bad night (5079)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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  (216): I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself. (1-216): It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you. (216): He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry. http://tfl.nu/dfyj
  Replies (27) Good night (382) Bad night (4914)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.

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  (416): Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine. http://tfl.nu/wzgr
  Replies (4) Good night (1953) Bad night (343) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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  (817): just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing. http://tfl.nu/3pw8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"

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  (913): id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!" http://tfl.nu/e9j9
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
  Replies (130) Good night (19399) Bad night (1776) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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  (206): Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry. http://tfl.nu/kkw8
  Replies (7) Good night (3545) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (196) Good night (76679) Bad night (3800) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.

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  (845): when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me. http://tfl.nu/56i6
  Replies (2) Good night (352) Bad night (2822) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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  (630): just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now. http://tfl.nu/m10w
  Replies (29) Good night (7600) Bad night (339) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

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  (337): i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar. http://tfl.nu/sm5q
  Replies (25) Good night (5663) Bad night (412)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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  (847): sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant. http://tfl.nu/gemh
  Replies (15) Good night (723) Bad night (5616) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you

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  (917): i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you http://tfl.nu/qry0
  Replies (8) Good night (3363) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML

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  (202): i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML http://tfl.nu/7ngy
  Replies (4) Good night (830) Bad night (290) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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  (484): there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself. http://tfl.nu/ays9
  Replies (34) Good night (660) Bad night (6320) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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  (620): We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example. http://tfl.nu/aei8
  Replies (23) Good night (5590) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.

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  (570): remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident. http://tfl.nu/c1ns
  Replies (4) Good night (405) Bad night (1117) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.

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  (612): I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate. http://tfl.nu/beue
  Replies (40) Good night (961) Bad night (6743)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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  (404): A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show. http://tfl.nu/h6zp
  Replies (16) Good night (7371) Bad night (663) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

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  (269): I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week. http://tfl.nu/9ao4
  Replies (33) Good night (5696) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  my professor just said "the power of the situation"

  (216): View more from Ohio

  drink

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  (574): my professor just said "the power of the situation" (216): drink http://tfl.nu/g82n
  Replies (17) Good night (4940) Bad night (555)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
  Replies (67) Good night (7308) Bad night (3482)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it

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  (443): you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it http://tfl.nu/4e12
  Replies (9) Good night (897) Bad night (3919) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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  (571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday. http://tfl.nu/tetw
  Replies (73) Good night (10565) Bad night (1283) Order T-Shirt