Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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