I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize