I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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