So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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