Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
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I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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