this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
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nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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